Reality is a bitter pill to swallow when the marriage you entered with such hope and expectation comes to an end. We all have our stories and they are all different, you could be married for decades, for a year, children or no children but there is still much hurt. The main thing on your mind now might be how to move forward and adjust as a single person. Here are four tips to help you reinvent yourself on your new journey from a divorce expert:
1) Allow yourself to mourn
2) Work through your feelings
3) Learn to love yourself
4) Dare to be alone
Allow yourself to mourn
When you get married divorce is usually the last thing on your mind. Even if by the time you both decide it’s best to call it quits and move on, divorce still represents a loss. No matter what experiences you have had in your marriage and divorce, grief will definitely be a major emotion experienced. You may feel remorse for what you did or did not do or you wonder what you may have done to deserve this heartbreak. No matter the situation you do need to dwell on the past. While you need to make space for those feelings you do not need to get consumed by them. Just mourn as there will be an empty space where something once was. Talk to a friend or counselor, there are various help hotlines.
Work through your feelings
You need to work through your feelings as the worst thing you can ever do is carry the baggage from your marriage into your new relationship. You need to focus your energy on a healthy activity that you enjoy. You don’t sweep these emotions under the rug but if you don’t work through them they will pollute your new relationship. Work towards a better life.
Learn to love yourself
As cliché as this might sound many people face self-rejection after a divorce and again you may want to blame yourself for what you could have done differently or better. Work on getting your confidence back and have faith in yourself. Believe in your own worth.
Dare to be alone
It is truly natural to feel completely lost after a divorce but I dare you to enjoy your own company. Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely or isolated. It just means you are not coupled up and you are definitely in no rush to do so. You are now open to meeting new friends and joining new social circles. Embrace the possibilities!
We all make mistakes in life but we do not need to spend the rest of our lives beating up ourselves. We need to accept what was and look forward to what the future will hold. Divorce is not the end of the world no matter how much love, time and effort you feel you have invested. Forgive him, forgive yourself, sell your diamond engagement ring, and move on. It will all get better in time.
Happy New Year and welcome to a fresh start! Last year sucked for so many people. I had some challenges too so I’m glad 2016 is behind me. Now we have the chance to start again with a fresh new sheet of paper.
Last year sucked for so many people. I had some challenges too so I’m glad 2016 is behind me. Now we have the chance to start again with a fresh new sheet of paper.
We get to write a new story for a new chapter of our lives. There are a lot of opinions about how to make it a great year, how to keep your resolutions, and how to be successful. There are even these lists of 17 things floating around for how to make 2017 great.
Personally, I get overwhelmed with a list that’s over five items so to keep it simple for everyone I only have three things to do to make 2017 the best ever.
Here are my top three tips for how to have the best new year ever
1. Stop caring about what other people think
As I get older I care less and less about what other people think, but this year I cared way too much. Big mistake. I was miserable trying to keep up with the opinions of others. That was a total failure.
This year I’m pulling the rug out from under the opinions of others who are not where I want to be or have not experienced what I have experienced. I’m taking the attitude of Trust, but verify. I have to do a gut check to see if what others are saying, the advice they are handing out like lollipops, is worth the time and energy to follow.
Take a page out of my book and just stop caring about what other people think. Start following your heart instead. You know the answers and if you don’t pray for wisdom and trust that God will give you the right answers and send the right people your way.
2. Do you (improve along the way)
We live in such a copycat world right now that it’s hard to know what is genuinely you and what is someone else’s influence. Social media plays a huge part in this phenomenon. However, you have to decide to do what you do best and forget about the rest.
Embrace your personality, your quirks, even your dark side. In the process, you will learn to trust and love yourself more so you have more to give your children and the world when it’s time. The hidden benefit of doing you is your level of self-acceptance increases.
When you accept yourself it is easier to make small improvements along the way. It is fun and you don’t feel the pressure of having to change because someone else said you should.
3. Plan for success and focus only on what you want
Finally, make a plan for success. How?
Simply decide what you want for the year (I suggest the top 3 things), write it down and post where you will see it each day.
The next thing is to focus only on what you want and ignore the rest. You almost have to have tunnel vision so you can’t see the distractions or the B.S. that is constantly coming up. This is the key and what they mean about living your life on purpose.
If you want to go to school put it on the list. Start with getting information about the school, programs, and enrollment dates. Talk to an adviser about your goals. Then register for a class to test out whether it is right for you.
Just stay focused on the activities that will get you toward your goals. Let the rest fall our of your view.
If you do these three things for the first three months of the year, the rest of the year will be on fire! Amazing! Unstoppable!
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A girl in her midtwenties who wore a peasant shirt arrived for a simple checkup of her sprained right wrist. She’d been
wearing a brace and managing within her work restrictions. Blonde-haired and doe-eyed, she appeared reserved but polite. I proceeded to examine the wrist and check the fit of the brace. I also offered her a different medication and asked about physical therapy.
We then chitchatted a bit, during which she told me she was working an assembly line job and raising her sons, but she’d just graduated from acting school and was very excited to audition the next day for a commercial in Cincinnati. She thought it was important to show her sons the importance of following a dream by following her own. She said she’d always wanted to portray characters that brought out emotions in those watching. I commended her for this and wished her the best for the audition.
I encouraged her to show the joy in what she was doing, even if it was an awkward tryout, as though the time on stage would truly be what she’d be doing for a living; projecting her comfort would allow the producers to feel more relaxed and happy to hire her for the part. I asked her if there was anything else about her health that we should talk about, and she stated she’d had migraines since childhood.
I felt a sense of properness while in the room with her; a sense of calmness that was more like forced tranquility than genuine peace. So, I brought to her attention that allowing her true feelings to come out, such as anger, would not only help with her migraines but also with her performance on stage. I felt that somewhere during this young adult’s upbringing, she’d learned to turn off any anger, having judged and condemned it as improper.
“As a matter of fact,” I told her, “anger can be very helpful.”
I recommended that she join a self-defense class where she could strike out, kick, and punch, and with each one of these offensive moves, assign with it something that happened to her that caused her to feel angry. She was to channel that feeling and event into every strike.
I told her that if she did that, she would not only help her migraines but also be able to channel that emotion in the human characters she played. I explained that the suppression of this emotion doesn’t get rid of it but instead just chains it up for a while and builds inner pressure that can result in all sorts of destructive influence on the body. Emotions are vibrations, and the body, under poor vibrations, can develop disease and be unwell, exhibiting symptoms such as migraines, ulcers, and stomach issues.
She nodded in agreement and said that in her final exam at acting school, she’d had to deliver part of a monologue of a very angry woman, standing alone on stage. She said she had done very poorly because she hadn’t been able to get in touch with the anger. I’d told her that it made a lot of sense because she’d never given herself permission to access it. While she worked through this, I recommended that she try butterbur, an herb showing promise in treating migraines, embraced by large neurology clinics for its effectiveness and low side effect profile.
I then asked if I could say a prayer with her for her audition and new dream career. She agreed, and I held in my mind the portrait of her as an actress who was so in touch with each of her emotions that she could portray any character, and the genuineness of this would be felt by all the audience members, who would be in turn inspired to find the genuine nature in their own lives. I saw this so clearly for her and asked that she be guided to this, as she felt comfortable in allowing it to happen. She’d been an inspiration, and I was blessed with a new realization about prayer from our visit.
In having prayed and seen the young actress so sharply in my mind’s eye doing and loving what she wanted so much to do, I felt what true prayer is. True prayer is holding a deeply felt, detailed image of someone’s best self, when he or she isn’t yet able to do so. I was reminded of Jesus among the sick. He saw his fellow beings in their full state of radiant health, walking with their beds instead of focusing on their lameness and skin lesions. He held so strongly the vibration of their well-being that they all let go of their own beliefs of sickness in his presence. We can all do this for each other by focusing on each other’s best selves and holding that in our hearts as our image of them.
About the author
Dr. Amy E. Coleman is the CEO and founder of Wellsmart, a company that cultivates technologies and healthcare strategies that strengthen the patient/doctor relationship. She served as a United States Air Force flight surgeon, and was appointed the youngest and first female Commander of the U.S. Air Force Special Operations Clinic. There, she helped guide global medical missions and build creative clinic systems, including those employing complementary care methods still employed today throughout the Air Force.
Now that is the million dollar question everybody is asking, right? Well let me tell you, I learned how to go from minimum wage to six figures over a period of time. It was an interesting journey that I believe anyone can take with a plan.
So how do you do it? You do it by having a plan of action and actually taking that action until you reach your goal. That’s it in a nutshell. As easy or simple as it sounds, believe me it is not an easy journey and not for lazy or scary people.
My Single Mom Minimum Wage to Six Figures Story
I did it with my two kids, a full-time job, classes and homework, and a ton of determination. There were times I wanted to quit. There are days I cried and felt like giving up. Sometimes there were even people who tried to stop me. I even got distracted and off course for a little while, but I would not give up.
I went from working at the Probate Office in the county courthouse for the then minimum wage of $6.35/hr to a temporary job for $8.00 at AFLAC. Then I was hired full-time with benefits at $10.00/hr. My journey took me back to college after 10 years with a 6-month old and a four year old to a new city. My pay dropped to $8.50/hr working for the college then went up to $12/hr part time as an intern at NASA.
I was then hired as a full-time contract technical writer making $17/hr. Within a year I was promoted to Sr. technical writer and received a raise to $20/hr. From there I went to other companies and made $27/hr, $32/hr, $45/hr, to $50+/hr. As my skills and experience increased so did my income. I went from court clerk to SharePoint Corporate Trainer. None of what I’m sharing is to brag but it’s to show you that my hard work, prayers, and determination made the difference.
Even though I am a single mom it has never kept me from going after my dream. Maybe part of it is that I’ve always been an over achiever, but it’s mostly that I did not and would not let my circumstances or other people dictate my life and financial future. I decided what I wanted to do and I did it because I had two amazing kids keeping me motivated.
Dreams, Goals, & Plans are Key
You simply cannot give up on your dreams. You have to turn those dreams into goals. You have to create a plan. I’m not saying it has to be perfect but it has to at least drive you toward something better.
My process for going from $6.35 an hour to six figures was not a cut and dry path. I did not have a blueprint or cheatsheet. The truth is I had to piece together several parts to get to where I wanted to be. I can share those pieces with you but it’s up to you to take them and apply them to your life. In the end, it will probably look nothing like my journey.
Get the Puzzle Pieces Here
If you want to get the pieces to my puzzle you can join, enroll, or grab my $6.35 to Six Figures Master Class. In it I share how to create a Money Master Plan to elevate your income and upgrade your quality of life! There is no magic bullet but I can say my methods are sound and will help you along this financial journey.
Have you ever asked yourself “Why am I on this roller coaster ride? How do I get off?” What can you do to silence the nagging voice that keeps whispering in your ear “just quit”? Despite having faith and juggling life, as a single mom, there will be times that feel like everything is suffocating you. This does not indicate weakness. This is life—the life of a single parent. While I have no silver bullet that will help you defeat trying times, I do have a set of invaluable coping strategies that will empower you on your journey.
These are the 5 coping strategies:
Crying-Purge set some things free
As much as crying yourself to sleep at night will bring no positive result or qualified answers to the problem that you are facing in the moment, it is still effective. Crying is a purging process that ultimately relieves some of the heaviness you carry daily.
Faith- You have to have something you believe in and that fills you up
Having faith to know and believe that no matter what is happening in your life there is something greater than you and will never fail you is critical. Believe in the power of the universe to hold you up, show you the way, and open up closed doors when you have met the end of your own strength.
Quiet Time- Rest your mind, Reclaim your power and Rejuvenate your spirit
As a single mother, a lot is asked of you. You give until you have nothing left in you. Take the appropriate time to sort things out and to spend some time alone relaxing your mind.
Self-Improvement-Feed yourself positivity. Feed Your Mind
It is critical that you as a single mother do not stop growing and becoming better. It keeps your mind alert and continues to open up the door to opportunities to offer more to your children. And let’s be honest, it is good to lead by example.
Devotion/Meditation- Tap into your inner core
My favorite scripture is “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” from Philippians 4:6. Whether it is to run over, step over, climb over, roll over, or even crawl over the mountains before you, it has to be done; quitting is never the only option. Single mother’s you must pull out your mantra/verse and recite it with unwavering belief to produce the inner strength and power to make it a little longer.
These strategies are a starting point for overcoming the “I quit” syndrome. You have no barriers or boundaries except the ones you create. Single mother’s, you will never be faultless or handle every situation the right way, but you can give your best. You are more than you think you are and can go much further than you know. Be confident and be bold. You must have faith to know that you are chosen, equipped, and ready to change the face of the next generation. You have to release “I quit” in order to receive “I can”.
About the Author
Grayce Bernard is the founder of IMPAC, Inc. and the author of the book: Raising Giants-Repurposing the Life of the Single Mother. She helps women break the cycle of generational poverty to build wealth by creating a life plan and step into a bigger vision of herself. C. Grayce serves as a voice and advocate for the voiceless. She specifically helps single mothers reframe their stories of shame into stories of empowerment. C. Grayce Bernard is a coach, speaker, trainer and transformational leader. Book C. Grayce Bernard for your upcoming event at443.364.8789 or email: email@example.com. Connect with her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram