When I was growing up I thought my parents knew everything in the whole world.  While I certainly don’t know everything, I try to learn something new every day and I encourage my kids to do the same.

Not all of us were able to get a post-secondary education but that doesn’t mean that we’re incapable of learning or that we can’t expand our personal world with a little bit of knowledge.

I personally love learning and though I was never able to go to university I have always made it a point to use the resources available to improve my skills, learn new ones or simply find answers to questions that I have.

Books – Reading is one of my passions in life and always has been.  Without the information I have acquired through reading, my world would be very dull.  We have an excellent library in our area and when my kids were small we would pick a topic and then go research it just for the sake of knowing about it.   Any piece of knowledge is useful in my opinion and you just never know when someone will want to discuss the mating habits of the scarlet tanager!  It doesn’t have to be something scientific either; it can be new recipes or information on living a healthier lifestyle.  When I meet someone from a different country I make an effort to research their country so that I can converse better with them and as a result I have learned so much about places that I have never been.

One problem that I’ve noticed many of us single moms run into is not having the time to read.  I always keep a book with me and if I’m waiting in line somewhere, sitting in the doctor’s office or even if I arrive at work 5 minutes early, I use the time to read.  Why grumble about having to wait when you can lose yourself in a book?

Internet – The internet has become one of my go-to places when I want to know something.  I know that not all of the data is accurate so I like to research carefully but I love the fact that there is so much at our fingertips.  Until six months ago I didn’t have a computer at home so I can really appreciate the wealth of information available at the click of a mouse.  My daughter has introduced me to wikihow.com.   I have learned how to remove a steering wheel from a tractor, give myself a caviar manicure (!) and find cat urine with a UV light.  On a more personally relevant note I have learned how to improve my e-mail etiquette and make my own deodorant spray.   Another good site is Pinterest and I confess I’m addicted.  Whether you’re looking for recipes, garden tips, ideas for activities to do with the kids or any other kind of information that involves living, Pinterest has great ideas for everyone.

Continuing Education – With the availability of online courses, it is much easier now to take classes that may have been off limits to us before because of distance, time constraints or lack of child care.  There are various free online classes available through websites such as www.alison.com or www.uopeople.org  or www.khanacademy.org.  I have not yet enrolled in any courses through these websites but am looking into it.   A website that is helpful in upgrading work place skills is www.gcflearnfree.org, another one that I plan to use in the near future.

Seminars and Workshops – Many libraries, community centres, medical clinics and local interest groups sponsor seminars and workshops that are free or a minimal cost and some even offer childcare to enable parents to attend.  I live in the Toronto area and there are enough of these events to keep me busy every day of the week if I choose.   A One Parent Families group that I attend has an informative speaker once a month and the topics vary from physical fitness to helping kids cope with trauma to photography.  It’s a great way to get practical information that we may not normally be exposed to and to get out and talk to new people.

Learning from People Around You – Our friends, family, neighbours and co-workers often have handy tips to pass on and are glad to do it.  There are times I have gone out for a walk and seen someone watering their flowers and have complimented them on their garden.  These people were very proud of their gardens and were happy to give advice and answer any gardening questions I had.  Over the years I have learned many creative ways to stretch budgets, ground beef and my thinking ability simply by taking the time to listen to others instead of waving them off and remaining in my own little world of Me, Myself and I.  I believe that everyone has something to teach someone and some of my most valuable lessons have come from people that I have made small talk with in the lineup at the drugstore, at the bus stop or at the cash register.   I have not seen some of these people since but the wisdom they were willing to share with a stranger impacted my life in a very positive way.

Even if you don’t like to read, don’t have access to the internet, are too exhausted at the end of the day to even think about attending a seminar and really don’t feel comfortable talking to people unless you have to, it is still possible to learn something new every day if you remain open to it.  Whether it’s discovering a new route to get to and from work or another destination or stumbling upon a new way to trick your kids into eating vegetables, every piece of knowledge that we gain is valuable.   Learning can make life more interesting and give us a sense of accomplishment when all we seem to do is never-ending dishes, the pile of dirty laundry doesn’t seem to shrink and our home never seems to stay clean and tidy.

The mind is like a muscle and there are opportunities for us to exercise ours all around us every day.

Happy learning!

One of the best things you can do as a solo mom is get out and have fun. I don’t mean the clubbing, get down and dirty drunk, kind of fun but clean fun that energizes you. There is a big difference.

I had that kind of fun this weekend at a Masquerade Ball sponsored by my church’s social committee. It was not the standard stale and boring banquet you see in typical churches. Nope it was a party with a band, costumes, and lots of dancing!

My life is blessed because it is filled with supportive people from my church as well as family. I can be me and feel 100% accepted. Isn’t that what we all want deep down?

If you can find a place or group of people like that then you have an awesome head start. It kills the isolation that is very present in the single mom life. It also puts a dent in your depression.

I used to think I couldn’t go to parties if I didn’t have a date so I wouldn’t go. Not any more. I go because I want the fellowship and fun. So far I’ve had no regrets, plus I get to meet and dance with all the single guys there.

Here are a few pictures from the event. While you are looking through them why not find a party or other social event to attend. You really need it.

I am always amazed by the single moms doing awesome things in the world. They are holding it down despite having to do everything. Shana “The Control Freak” Naylor is a phenemenoal and influential woman who happens to be a single mom too.

I had the opportunity to interview her about her life as a single mom, success, and her unusual nickname. Enjoy and share your thoughts about the interview.

How many children do you have?

I have one, 17 year old daughter.

What challenges have been the hardest?

• I was a teenage mother so it was hard when I couldn’t move around freely with my friends.  I didn’t understand it then but the best thing for me was, not being able to just drop my daughter off with my mother while I ran the street.  I remember thinking; she’s a stay at home mom, why couldn’t she just keep her too? My parents were old school and what I called strict, my siblings and I weren’t dropped off at everyone’s house and she was very particular about who kept us. So part of her rule was “you stay home with your own baby!!”

• Then it was hard to hold a full time job and go to school.  It took me exactly 15 years to complete my Bachelors but I was determined, even if it would have taken 25 years.

• Being the sole disciplinarian was hard for me, I wanted to say “I’m going to tell your daddy” or even just “I’ll let your daddy handle it” Ugh I wanted help.  But I thank God she’s a great teenager.

• Lastly, making decisions based on what I thought others wanted to see or thought of me.  Trying to prove people that doubted me, wrong. Now I wonder if I was just living in my own guilt.  I wasted so much time trying to create a picture perfect Shana.

How did you turn them into opportunities for success?

Not being able to freely go, taught me responsibility and accountability. I believe it played a major role in my daughter’s now well-disciplined behavior and her respectful character.

I have learned what it means to be determined.  I’ve learned to stay focused on Shana and not what everyone else is doing. Hey I caught up with all my classmates that went straight through college. Mostly through this I’ve learned to love the Not so perfect ME!

How do you keep your lives on track? Open Communication, we talk often about everything. We have 1 TV in the house that’s in the living room; it gives us the opportunity to hang out watching our shows together.  We also sit down with a calendar planning and prioritizing our schedules, we know what’s going on for the whole month.

What’s your favorite thing about being a mom?

My daughter and I have so much fun. I love watching her; she’s such a beautiful young lady inside and out.  I must admit I love that other people often notice her ability and cultivate her strengths.

Has higher education played the big part in your sense of success?

Yes more so my success and accomplishments as a single mother.  I promised my mom when I got pregnant that I would finish school. She would always tell us “my kids are no dummies, I have smart children”.  I also take pride in being the role model for my daughter and my siblings, I told them I expect for them to academically obtain nothing less than me.  When I graduated with my MBA my

daughter said, “you’re not going for your PhD or you?” that was too funny!

Who is your favorite celebrity now?

I am a Mary J Blige fan and then Iyanla is running a tight race now.

Who is your favorite celebrity mom?

O wow! Definitely Michelle Obama.  When I look/read about her I am empowered. I see a woman who has it under CONTROL.  Even as First Lady she has a genuine image.

She didn’t compromise her beliefs, values or style, we shop in some of the same stores.   There’s no difference  between her and us except her husband is President.  She works hard, she publicly displays her love and affection for her family.  I would bet that it hasn’t been an easy road for her, Like many of us, but she still stands tall and in my eyes she looks out and says “Still I Rise”.  She accidentally referred to herself as a “single-mom” although we know it’s not the case, what we do know is that with the schedule of our President she bears similar responsibilities as us. I know one thing, if she were a Single Mom, she would Rock!

Does issues with your child’s father’s surface often?

My daughter is older now so they can deal directly with each other.  There are times that I still have to call and get clarification on things but for the most part she handles things.  She’s a Mini Control Freak.

What makes you feel financially successful?

I believe in visualization to attract positive things into my life. I’m visualizing my financial success through faith, building wise spending and saving habits, donating to charities and learning to become an expert in my career, I believe these things will ultimately help me gain financial success.

I am on the leadership committee of Dove Empowerment Ministries a non-profit organization that is very dear to me. We have been serving the Houston community and abroad for ten years counseling, equipping, and encouraging women and teenage girls, victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human sex-trafficking.  For more info see www.dove-ministries.org

Who has had the most positive impact in your life?

My mom, for her continuous encouragement and support. My Grandmother, she’s such a strong independent woman. Now she is definitely the Grandmother of the Control Freak (laughing) Bossy little thing she is. She was a single mom of 2. So I can only imagine that being in control just came naturally.  Especially when you are the sole-provider, sole disciplinarian, and the sole decision-maker.  She carries herself with such dignity and respect.

What would you change about your life?

Wow!! I wouldn’t have lived so long cheating myself, not realizing my true value and living in fear.  Fear of failure, fear of what people would think of me, fear of not being good enough, fear to step out of the box…when all along I was keeping myself from Success.

How did you handle doing it all by yourself?

I thank GOD for my Family, I had the most supportive parents.  We pitch in and help each other.  Everyone babysat or did taxi duty, my dad, my sister and my little brother.   No one can be successful doing it alone.

What advice would you give about navigating through single motherhood?

Create your personal mothering brand by answering the question, “What do you want your child to say about you at 25?” Then aim to be that person. Make your child’s life priority but remember to find you some Guilt Free Me Time.  

About Shana Naylor:

She was once shattered by her own insecurities and self-worth of being a teenage mother and having two failed marriages. Despite being labeled a CONTROL FREAK, she felt her life was being controlled by others, their opinions and expectations of her. What separates her from other coaches is despite having an MBA, a daughter who is a model teenager and being a successful professional, her life was once “OUT OF CONTROL”. She uses her life experiences to help support her clients in TAKING CONTROL! Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and at ShanaNaylor.com

Last week I went on Spring Break vacation with my kids to the Georgia Coast. You may have seen the pictures and posts I’ve put on RichSingleMomma.com. The trip was both educational and relaxing. I splurged on the hotel rooms this time around because there is just nothing like a great night sleep in luxury hotel. Of course I asked for and got a reasonable discount that made it affordable for me.

The beach was great and the lighthouses we saw were amazing.

Have you ever been to a beach and it was covered in seaweed and driftwood? It’s hard to enjoy when you are trying to step over and around it, right? Fortunately we didn’t see any seaweed or driftwood along the beach line. In the past I’ve seen to much of it which didn’t make a very pleasant experience.

Seaweed and Driftwood Experiences
That brings me to a point I want to share with you about what I call seaweed and driftwood relationships. In my life (and I’m sure in yours) I want love and quality relationships, but sometimes I get distracted by people and situations that distract me from my true desire. A good looking guy, an interesting opportunity, or a situation that seems okay at the moment takes my attention away from the things I really want.

Waiting for Paradise
I lose sight of the “paradise” or that “pristine beach experience” I really want because I’m distracted by all the driftwood and seaweed around me. So instead of getting the great quality man, the perfect opportunity, or an amazing situation, I miss it because I’m so focused on the driftwood and seaweed. My energy is consumed by the trivial, which costs me the valuable experience I desire and deserve.

Recognizing the Difference and Waiting for the Best
I’m learning to recognize the driftwood and seaweed (D & S) much better. When an ex calls or texts out of the blue thats D & S. When a guy that is clearly wrong for me but terribly good looking flirts with me that is D & S. When I see a new way to make money that distracts me from my current goals, that is D & S. Basically anything that takes me off course or disturbs my peace is D & S. I deserve better. You deserve better. So let the D & S drift on by as you keep you eyes on the prize.

Stress, you can’t avoid it but you can outsmart it!

Each April, in light of Stress Awareness month, experts on the topic, offer information intended to make us smarter and better armed against stress. Some of today’s leading authorities on stress believe this modern-day pandemic has become so pervasive that we’ve simply adapted to this unhealthy condition.

Stress ages us, it creates mental and emotional overload, creativity, clarity and decision making abilities decline, it causes aches and pains, adds fat to our belly area, fragments our thinking and can make us exceptionally irritable and unpleasant to be around. In fact, stress has been found to be the number one proxy-killer disease and the American Medical Association notes it as the basic cause of more than 60% of all human illness.

Harvard-trained integrative physician and New York Times bestselling author of The Hormone Cure: Reclaim Balance, Sleep, Sex Drive, and Vitality with The Gottfried Protocol, Dr. Sara Gottfried, explains, “Chronic stress burns through your happy brain chemicals such as serotonin, the neurotransmitter that supports your mood, sleep, and appetite. In other words, if you don’t manage stress – it manages you by causing or worsening 95% of disease and robbing you of sleep, good humor, and a thin waist.”

Helping to educate more people about the seriousness of stress, HeartMath, widely recognized for its science-based stress solutions, created this infographic showing how stress affects the body and offering five uncommonly known facts about stress. This is an excellent picture of how stress affects us – whether we know it or not.

So what can you do to reduce stress or even outsmart it?  Try one of following suggestions or better yet try them all. Either way you’ll be lessening your own stress and taking steps towards a healthier, happier life.

1. Pets are a great way to manage stress. Animals help by allowing us to focus on the positive things in our lives. Playing with pets and just having them in the house can reduce fears and anxieties in most situations. Moreover, the simple act of touching or petting an animal can actually change the way you respond to a stressful situation. It’s important to note that this may not be a solution for everyone – as pets do come with additional work and responsibility. For most people, the benefits can outweigh the drawbacks.

2. Adjust your eating habits. Long-term stress can increase your appetite and cause you to binge on unhealthy foods. This kind of emotional eating is often the body’s way of coping with the stressors. Mother Nature makes excellent stress fighters. Foods naturally rich in vitamins and minerals can help fight increased levels of cortisol – a stress hormone. Next time you get the urge to binge on greasy fast food or ice cream, try a handful of vitamin C-packed berries instead.

3. Train and guide yourself to better manage stress. For those that are serious about reducing stress, there are high-tech tools to help. For example, the Inner Balance trainer provides a highly specialized 3-step technique, and real-time feedback helps you synchronize your breath and heart rhythms as you retrain your mind body response to stress. This techno stress reducer has become widely popular with healthcare professionals that want an effective solution they can suggest to patients. “If a patient rolls her eyes at my prescription of yoga or mindfulness, I whip this out. This isn’t some crazy Berkeley woo-woo idea— major healthcare organizations use it. Using this technology I am less likely to fight with my husband or scream at my children. I still have the same stressors but I can meet them differently with this training,” said Dr. Gottfried.

4. Be social. While there are times it feels like relationships with friends and family may be the cause of stress, a strong supportive network of family and friends can also significantly reduce stress and act as buffer. Enjoying the company of others can relieve feelings of tension and improve overall psychological well-being. Being with others that we care for and love can increase our positive emotional experiences. Some positive emotions have been shown to increase DHEA, known as the anti-aging hormone, and trigger oxytocin, known as the love hormone. These good-for-you hormones can help combat stress and may even boost the immune system.

This April, take advantage of the added information available throughout Stress Awareness Month. Adding even one of these new ideas into your daily life may help in creating the healthier, less stressful lifestyle you deserve!

About HeartMath®:

HeartMath (www.heartmath.com) was founded by Doc Childre and is a cutting-edge performance company providing a range of unique services, products and technologies to improve health and well being, while dramatically reducing stress. HeartMath clinical studies have demonstrated the critical link between emotions, heart function and cognitive performance. HeartMath studies have been published in numerous peer-reviewed journals such as American Journal of Cardiology, Stress Medicine, Preventive Cardiology and Journal of the American College of Cardiology. Its stress reducing solutions are used in leading healthcare organizations, VA hospitals and clinics, as well as by more than 15,000 health professionals and dozens of school systems throughout the US.

Recently I asked single moms and a few experts how new single moms can handle everyday stress. They shared this advice…

Real Single Moms Speak

I get my mom to watch them after they are asleep and go out for a few hours.–michigamom5150

I get stressed and I let it ride out.–delilahsmom1177

Basically spend his nap time, and bedtime doing things for me. –Delila12

I find something calming for all of us to do together. –happylife123

I take it day by day ..moment by moment.. breath by breath.. –KRIZZ25

I would take my kids to the park and or the pool for some destressing time…–brieri

What’s working momentarily (she is three, after all) is playing music with her.–thesj180herself

Being apart during the day helps us… he is in school or camp and I am at work. –virginiamama71

What helped with my stress is when my son had baseball practice.i got to see other parents and just talk…-baseballmom5416

I learned meditation years ago to handle every day stress and to unwind at night. –Robsessed98

The Experts Speak

Life Transitions Coach and Single Mom

I am a Life Transitions Coach and a single mom of two children aged 11 and 14. While their dependency on me has changed over the years, I have found that the tried and true tip that works at all ages is to prepare the night before to simplify the morning routine. Pack lunches, lay out clothes, pack school bags (sign permission slips, write notes to teachers), and plan the meal for the next evening.

Lisa L. Payne, Life Transitions Coach. LisaPayne.com 

Syd Hoffman

Get the whole family exercising together. Everyone’s stress will be reduced! Try whatever makes your family the happiest. At our house, we have a jar with slips of paper (hiking, biking, rollerblading, etc.) to use for a random choice. Jump roping, running, dancing to the radio … so many free activities!!!!

Syd Hoffman
Author of All-Day Energy: 100 Ways to Boost Your Energy…Now!
480-814-1780
www.SydHoffman.com

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It’s NOT selfish to put your own needs before your children’s when there is a healthy balance on both sides. Children need to learn that all of their needs are not going to be met all of the time, and that the needs of others also need to be considered and respected.

DR. JOSEPH CILONA

www.drcilona.com

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Heather Hans

Laugh! Remember that comedy is the flip side of tragedy. The two are closer to the same thing than you may think. Not only does every cloud have a silver lining, but it has a hilarious side, as well. Nothing challenges our faith as much as seeming tragedy. Humor helps us see our life from a new perspective (often times a more objective one), and it also allows us to come up with creative solutions to our problems. It raises our consciousness and energy level and can serve to enhance our spiritual connection amidst times of turmoil and life questions.

Heather Hans

www.heatherhans.com

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As a psychotherapist, family counselor and single parent, one thing I did was to leverage my time and energy by forming a neighborhood cooperative where we took each other children for a few hours to give us a cost-free break. AND, it was often easier with a friend or two as they entertained each other and freed up more time to think and breath while remaining available.

Edie Raether, MS, CSP – The Bully Buster
Change Strategist: Speaker Author Coach
www.raether.com

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Teresa Van-Zelle

Mom must put herself 1st. It’s not selfish, it is responsible. She can’t continue to give and give and give is she has no way of re-filling herself – perhaps having a friend or relative watch the kids for 2 hours two or three times a week to take a walk, go to the gym and roam around the book
store. Something she does just for herself. She will feel better about herself, release those endorphins and the result will be more patience with the kids and work. She will just be a better mom, friend, etc.

Teresa Van-Zeller, ACCHt
www.hypnosis2000.com

 

 

 

 

Dr. Peter Zafirides

Single moms deal with so much pressure. It is hard enough to take care of all  the obligations of taking care of the kids and running a household on their own. They feel like they have to do everything AND do everything perfectly. Realize you are human and set proper limits – with kids, extended family and work.

Peter Zafirides, MD

We all go through challenging times at one point or another in our lives. It’s so important to not allow ourselves to get off course during these times. If we do find ourselves off course, it’s important to get back on course by having a plan or set goals so that we are able to get you where we need to be.

Develop a Relationship with God / Read Scripture

A relationship with God sustains you. As a believer, when you put your relationship with God first it causes you to leave your worries behind (Matt. 6:33 and Prov. 3:5-6) and to focus on Him. He will take care of you and He knows what you need. You have to remember that nothing is bigger than God (Phil. 4:13). He is your creator; He loves you, and wants nothing but the best for you.

It’s important to find scriptures that are uplifting to you and that you can refer to when you need to be uplifted. If you don’t know any, get on your computer and search for uplifting scriptures and go from there.

Sometimes our friends or family are not around when we need to be uplifted. God has provided His word for us at just those times. Consider it your manual for your life from your manufacturer. After all, when you buy something from a store whether it is a toaster or a vacuum cleaner, it always comes with an owner’s manual.

When we are broken and need to be fixed or uplifted, we need to refer to our manual to find out what will help us get back on track so our lives we will run smoother. It’s also important to pray for His protection to surround you during challenging times. It’s during these times that we are quite vulnerable.

A protection scripture I refer to daily is Psalm 91. I know that there are others but this one is a favorite of mine. Again, you can always do a search and find scriptures for protection. Always remember who you are and whose you are.

Keep a Journal

A journal is another way outside of having a prayerful life that allows me to release what’s inside of me onto paper so I can see in black and white what I’m feeling at that moment. This release causes me to take time to breathe and focus.

It allows me to say, “Okay this is what’s going on right now, this is how I’m feeling, I’m here right now but where I really want to be is over there. How do I get there?” Even though you may not realize it at the time, it’s as though you are writing your own directions to a road map, your own road map to your course of life. This “distraction” has caused me to be at Point A but I need to be at Point B.

The journey or directions that we take to get to our Point B is also important. What you do during your journey should sustain you. Your “directions” are the actions you need to take in order to get you to where you need to be.

Do you want to go back to school?

Do you need to forgive someone for hurting you?

Do you need to put an end to a relationship?

Do you want to lose weight?

Write the steps you need to take in order to get to Point B and review them often. If it helps to write them on note cards, post-it notes, on your to-do list, etc. Just write them down and refer back them often.

Maybe you want to purchase a house and having a picture of a house that you see yourself buying is what you need to keep you on track. Find that picture and keep it on your mirror, refrigerator, wherever you will see it to remind you that this is your Point B.

Whether it is when you are feeling discouraged or if it’s a daily reminder to yourself that you are on the right track, it is a way to remind you that this is your Point B and you will be here in no time.

Goals and the steps to obtain them are your starting point, middle point, and your end point. Remember that obtaining goals takes time and that’s okay. The process you will go through to achieve your goals will be the process where you gain more wisdom, more strength and growth. Remember that goals usually don’t happen overnight but with faith, patience and a plan you will get there.