One of the best things you can do as a solo mom is get out and have fun. I don’t mean the clubbing, get down and dirty drunk, kind of fun but clean fun that energizes you. There is a big difference.

I had that kind of fun this weekend at a Masquerade Ball sponsored by my church’s social committee. It was not the standard stale and boring banquet you see in typical churches. Nope it was a party with a band, costumes, and lots of dancing!

My life is blessed because it is filled with supportive people from my church as well as family. I can be me and feel 100% accepted. Isn’t that what we all want deep down?

If you can find a place or group of people like that then you have an awesome head start. It kills the isolation that is very present in the single mom life. It also puts a dent in your depression.

I used to think I couldn’t go to parties if I didn’t have a date so I wouldn’t go. Not any more. I go because I want the fellowship and fun. So far I’ve had no regrets, plus I get to meet and dance with all the single guys there.

Here are a few pictures from the event. While you are looking through them why not find a party or other social event to attend. You really need it.

Runtime: 7 minutes 26 seconds

I had the pleasure of chatting with Rachel DeAlto, the Flirting Expert via Skype. She shared her tips on dealing with a bad date, how to get great dates, and more about her FlipMe cards and new book coming out in October.

I broke the videos up so you can see each segment in bite-sized pieces. We have a great time talking about single motherhood, flirting, and being your best self. So sit back and enjoy.

Here’s how to contact Rachel and get your own FlipMe Cards

Rachel DeAlto
Flirting and Communications Expert
Founder and CEO of FlipMe LLC
www.flipme.com
www.theflirtexpert.com
www.webtalkradio.net/shows/the-naked-truth-about-dating/

Leave your comments and let me know about your bad dates and how you dealt with them. Also let me know how you like the videos. Do you want more?

A few months ago I wrote an article about how to ignore your baby’s daddy and forget about child support. It’s a hot topic in terms of ignoring the father on one hand, but who can ignore child support.

The video below goes into more detail about why it’s good for your mental and emotional health to let the baby daddy drama go and move on with your life. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Single motherhood usually comes about because of toxic relationships and in some cases death of a spouse. But toxic relationships are the usual culprit. For one reason or another the two people involved make decisions, choices the other cannot life with.

Been There, Done That, Got the T-Shirt

I’ve been there before. My past relationships all started out pretty good though I admit most were rushed, but they were good none the less. I enjoyed the moments of love and hoped it would last forever. But one day my eyes were opened or I began to feel uncomfortable with the way things were happening. I missed a lot of signs out of ignorance or willful blindness.

Finding Myself in Deep Doo-Doo

Then I found myself in a situation where I felt neglected, used, and abused. I was in a toxic relationship. It was not good and I wanted out (or he wanted out).  But sometimes wanting to get out and actually making the choice and taking the steps can be hard. The relationship is familiar and in its own distorted way, feels “safe”.

Remembering My Little Girl Dreams

But what I really wanted was a healthy relationship, what I call a “rich” relationship. I dreamed about it when I was a young girl. I wanted a quality man who loved me and took care of me. I wanted him to protect me and make me feel safe. I wanted to be cherished but somehow I got the opposite. How sad for me .

Poor Little Me Self-Pity is Self-Defeating

For years I wallowed in self-pity and confusion. I did not know how to get what I really wanted deep in my heart. There was a wall I could not get through, over, or around. I felt stuck and afraid I would never know what it was like to have a healthy relationship. My behavior pulled me toward men who preyed on me because I was very needy and desperate. That is a bad combination and toxic, or what I like to call crummy men, know how to sniff out a desperate woman.

Being a Target for Crummy Guys is Toxic

It was like I had a bulls eye on my forehead that said, “come take advantage of me”. Yep it was that bad. I was a nice lady so why did men take me for granted, use me, and abuse me? Why couldn’t I find a nice guy and live happily ever after? Everyone told me I’d make a great wife because I had all the qualities a man could want. Yet I attracted one crummy guy after another.

Taking a Break to Get Clear is Healthy

After a few of them, I took a break to get myself together. I was so tired and ready to give up on men completely. But that’s not what I really wanted because I actually really like men ! I wanted my dream of a healthy, rich relationship filled with mutual respect, love, and compatibility. I was determined to find out how to get it, or rather attract it.

Getting Clarity and Dumping the Baggage

After much prayer, meditation, and working on my stuff I found the answers I needed to turn my love life around. Now I attract quality men who are thoughtful, kind, protective and whom I enjoy getting to know. But more importantly I am no longer acting out of desperation and the bull’s eye is in the garbage, by the curb, along with all my other baggage.

Learning a New Way of Relating is Fun

The crazy thing is it did not take me years to learn how to attract great guys and rich relationships. The thing that takes time is going through and dumping the baggage. But you don’t have to wait that long to start attracting quality people. You just have to be willing to change or shift your mindset about 45 degrees and it will happen for you.

Sharing What I Learned with You is Liberating

I get emails from and have conversations with women and single moms all the time who talk about their toxic relationships. They want advice, help, and answers to why their guy is misbehaving. They want to know how to cope in that kind of relationship. The truth is you can’t thrive and truly be your best self in this kind of relationship.

Share Your Story and Get My Gift to You

So are you in a toxic relationship? Have you ever been in one before? Take the quick survey below and let me know.

Want to read this mini guide I wrote about why you may be attracting crummy guys, toxic relationships and heartache? Click the ebook to take a quick 5-question survey and it’s yours. I really hope you are in a great relationship right now. But if you aren’t you don’t have to be miserable if you want better. I really wish you all the best! Check out the ebook. It’s good medicine

I had an amazing weekend! I went to visit my parents and see the young people in their church get in front of a large group of people to give a speech. These young men are only twelve years old, but they were courageous enough to stand in front of an audience and share a message of hope and the power the youth have to change the world.

Later I got to hang out with some really great people at a costume party and watch the kids have fun playing games. We had a bonfire (sorry no marshmallows this time), lots of laughs and good food.

I returned home early to attend the Annual Challenge to Change Brunch benefiting Chayil (pronounced Ky-ill). Chayil is an Atlanta Women’s Transformation Program that helps women who have experienced domestic violence and are now moving out of a shelter into the real world on their own.

Chayil bridges the gap through providing 24-hour counseling, financial education, and self-esteem coaching. Women who leave an abusive relationship often do not have a place to turn, no resources, and no one to really understand what they are going through.

The brunch was a celebration of the work Chayil does and recognition for community leaders who support the organization and makes a difference in other ways.

Among the recipients of the Challenge to Change award was Jasmine Guy. Yes, the Jasmine Guy, she played the socialite southern belle Whitney Gilbert and kept us in stitches laughing at her antics and southern drawl on A Different World.

For those of you who have never seen that show, it was a spinoff from The Cosby Show.

Ms. Guy has gone on to many other projects in music, dance, and theater productions.

She is an Atlanta native and advocate for change. She was gracious and spoke on the need for a change of mind.

Without a mindset change, a woman that lives in a world of abuse and violence can never hope to really be set free. How often do we hear about women who go back to their abusers? It’s mostly because they do not believe they can make it on their own or their abuser has wounded their mind so much they believe he (or she) actually loves her.

A mental shift cannot happen in a toxic environment. Programs like Chayil makes a way for women to permanently change not just their location, but their minds as well. This powerful shift gives them hope.

Ms. Guy is so right about a need to change your mindset. Even if we are not in an violently abusive situation, it’s important to recognize when we are mentally bound by other types of abuse. It could be verbal, mental, sexual, or financial abuse. They are no better, and no less harmful than physical abuse.

Another thing to remember is abusive relationships are not just from a significant other. It can be from friends (you know, those frenemies you have), family members (that aunt who is always badgering you or just out right mean), a manager, and even a church leader.

The face of abuse comes in many shapes and sizes so we have to recognize when it’s happening to us.

Three sure signs you are being abused are:

1. Put downs meant to demean you
2. Name Calling
3. Using manipulation, guilt, and shame to get you to do something you don’t want to do

If this is happening to you, it’s up to you to stop it. It may seem scary at first, but it is necessary to stay safe both physically and emotionally. No one has a right to abuse you. We teach our kids safety so it’s time we learned how to keep ourselves safe too. This is called learning boundaries.

Here are a few books I read to break the cycle of abuse in my own life:

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life
Codependent No More

How can you tell when you are being abused? What are the signs? Why do you let it happen? What can you do to stop it?

In our current political climate it’s easy to feel uneasy about the way the world is going. As women we sometimes feel powerless as we watch grown men bicker, fight, and sabotage our world because of egos and power struggles.

But we have forgotten just how powerful we really are. We have to find our power and use it for good so our children’s future will be secure. We can do it without running the economy in the ground, without violent protests, and without waging wars that ultimately affects women and children worldwide.

We have to remember (or finally learn) that women truly rule the world. It’s time to take our power back. It’s time to use our gifts to influence the men in our lives (husbands, uncles, brothers, cousins, and friends).

Maybe this poem by William Ross Wallace will put things in perspective for you:

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Oh, no matter where the place;
Would that never storms assailed it,
Rainbows ever gently curled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Infancy’s the tender fountain,
Power may with beauty flow,
Mother’s first to guide the streamlets,
From them souls unresting grow–
Grow on for the good or evil,
Sunshine streamed or evil hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Woman, how divine your mission
Here upon our natal sod!
Keep, oh, keep the young heart open
Always to the breath of God!
All true trophies of the ages
Are from mother-love impearled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Blessings on the hand of women!
Fathers, sons, and daughters cry,
And the sacred song is mingled
With the worship in the sky–
Mingles where no tempest darkens,
Rainbows evermore are hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.
William Ross Wallace

and for a little modern reminder, courtesy of Summer’s Eve, “Hail to the V”! I love this commercial!

Expert Reveals How Life Can Imitate Art In Relationships

Amy Beth O’Brien’s friends think she watches a few too many movies, but she just may be on to something.

In her book Stuck with Mr. Wrong? Ten Steps to Starring in your own Life Story (www.amybethobrien.com), O’Brien shares her secret to avoiding bad relationships by looking at life from an audience’s perspective.

“Everyone loves the movies,” said O’Brien. “We get to lose ourselves in a story and live vicariously through the main character. I encourage women to be the main character in their own life story by stepping into their starring role as leading lady and stop playing extra or best supporting actress to someone else.”

Her lessons are taught through movie analogies that help women take control of their lives, and help them avoid the mistakes that often lead to good women putting up with bad male behavior. Her tips include:

Embrace Your Inner Screenwriter – Every woman has some version of the story they want to live. We can write our script based on fears of what would happen if we made any changes or out of faith that taking control of our lives, and being our most authentic selves, is the best story we could ever write.

Listen to Your Director – While the screenwriter spins the yarn, the director delivers the vision to guide the story. When the players are acting out of character, or the story seems to take a wrong turn, the director guides us to make the best choices to put us back on track. Listening to your director means understanding that our intuition is our best friend and guide.

Become the Star – If we looked at our life as a movie, would we see ourselves as the leading role in our own movie, or an extra or supporting player in the lives of those around us? We all have family and friends we support, and for whom we make sacrifices. How much of our time is spent on those responsibilities and obligations, and how much is dedicated to living the scripts of our own lives? Many of us live with the guilt-ridden thesis that if we spend time on our own goals, we are somehow neglecting others. That’s patently false and we need to ensure that we don’t spend our lives playing roles in other people’s movies, to the extent that we’re unable to star in our own.

“Your dreams, values, passions and creativity are meant to be expressed,” O’Brien added. “Relationships may challenge us, but they should never turn us into people we are not, suppress our talents, or squelch our dreams and desires. I encourage women to stop acting — to stop conforming to another person’s tastes, keeping silent when they have something to say, compromising their spirit, or staying in a bad situation out of fear. Move forward with faith toward the life of your dreams.”

Watch for my video book review on this book in the next month or so.

Are you stuck with a Mr. Wrong? Got plans to move on to Mr. Right? Share in the comments below!