When I was thinking about you today, a few REALLY important ideas came to mind.
Let me ask you two deeply essential questions.
Do you know why you’ve collected so many red flags in relationships (up until now, that is)?
And
Do you know how to spot GREEN FLAGS in relationships so you feel confident about moving forward and going HIGHER in your relationship?
My goal is for you to say YES to both questions, and feel confident that you’re self aware enough to move forward POWERFULLY in the process of having the relationship you want.
If you’re not saying YES right now, I want to help you.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
It’s over. The divorce process is complete; the papers have been signed.
The relationship you once had much expectation of, has been officially dissolved.
So, what next?
Every relationship has a story. Whether married for a year or decades, have children or not. Maybe the divorce was your idea or your partner’s, agreed amicably or blindsided leaving you heartbroken, the fact remains that the change taking place is inevitable.
But regardless of how you got there, divorce can bring incredible pain, devastation, and emptiness. You have lost a significant part of yourself.
But now, the central question is, how do you reinvent yourself?
How do you rebuild your life and start heading towards a happier place? By reinventing yourself.
Here are our tips to start small and build-up a new full life.
1.Mourn your marriage
To thrive and move on, you need to first grieve your terminated marriage.
Whether the divorce was through a joint decision or a surprise, it’s vital to acknowledge your feelings and grieve. It’s perfectly normal to feel devastated.
Allow yourself to binge-watch the romantic comedies, cry, scream, laugh, and look at your old photo albums if needed, but grieve the loss. Vent to your friends and journal down your feelings. Regardless of the way you do it, don’t feel ashamed of releasing your emotions. Everyone grieves differently, do it your style.
Don’t skip the mourning phase but don’t allow yourself to remain there forever..
2.Let go of your bitterness and embrace forgiveness
Divorce can cause bitterness and every person carries the baggage of their previous marriage to their new life. This includes the wounds caused by actions and words exchanged throughout the marriage and divorce process.
It is easy to hold onto resentment and anger. However, embracing forgiveness and letting go of your bitterness and other negative thoughts will lead to;
Improved mental health
Healthier relationships
Improved heart health
Improved self-esteem
Less stress and hostility and;
Better co-parenting with your ex.
Besides, forgiveness helps a person understand their feelings, ushering in the healing process, and embracing the new life.
To start working on forgiveness, start by figuring out your feelings by joining support groups, seeking support from family and friends, focusing on healthy activities like exercising, going for therapy, and starting a meditation or spiritual practice.
Additionally, for any post-divorce legal issues like modifying child custody, child support and alimony payments, let the legal experts, like the New Jersey divorce attorneys, handle them. This prevents any confrontation that can block or set back your forgiveness journey.
3.Readjust your mentality from ‘married’ to ‘single’
When married or in a relationship, you become identified with titles like partner/husband/wife. However, once your relationship ends, letting go of the identity can be difficult unless you readjust your mentality and embrace your ‘single’ title.
Start small by finding a new routine, different from your previous one, and stick to it. Habits give the mind a needed structure to adjust to your new life.
Schedule mandatory responsibilities like household and work obligations while leaving room for new ventures, exploration, and experiences. Learn new roles since you have a new hat to wear now, like handling your yard work, housekeeping, finances, and cooking responsibilities on your own.
However, take it slow, you can’t master everything in a day. Be patient with yourself.
Lastly, don’t forget to include healthy activities in your new routine that allows you to heal and connect with others. Try mediation, workout regimen, joining a club, or visiting new places.
Don’t be afraid to let the new routine and experiences to shape you. You might surprise yourself.
4.Take care of your inner and outer self
Divorce can create turmoil between your inner and outer self, affecting your physical, mental, and spiritual health.
For your outer self, you start by;
Changing your look
Changing your look helps you feel and look different. Maybe a new hairstyle or adopt a new dressing style. Whatever your choice, making subtle changes helps in boosting self-confidence and motivates a fresh start. Embrace regular exercise to improve your overall body condition.
Eating healthily
Eating nutritious food gives you beautiful skin and boosts your self-esteem. To achieve this, eat food rich in vitamins, collagen, and antioxidants or opt for supplements. And don’t forget to drink water to stay hydrated and detoxify your body.
Sleeping well
Enough sleep helps to regenerate and re energize your body cells, giving you a healthy and fresh look, thus boosting your outer self.
Doing yoga, meditation or other mindfulness practices
A few minutes of yoga or meditation helps clarify and refresh your mind, giving you a positive outlook which is essential to rebuilding your life.
Keeping a journal
Writing acts as a therapeutic option in keeping your inner being calm and balanced. Calm your mind by writing down your worries, gratitude, and anything occupying your mind.
Spiritual practice
Good spiritual health goes a long way when you are reinventing yourself after a separation. Prayers help in mind-soul connection, releasing anxiety and fear while fostering emotional and mental control, calm, and support.
A healthy and active inner and outer self allows you to leave your comfort zone, learn to trust and listen to yourself as you discover your individualism.
5.Dream again
After a divorce, our primary focus is survival. But, we can take a little energy to shift gears and dream again.
Carve out from your cocoon and ask yourself questions like, what’s my value? What gives me joy? What are my goals? What do I want to achieve in my next phase?
Journal down everything and freely, do soul searching, and remind yourself that there is hope.
Start with specifics. It could be anything from your body, career, friendships, finances, health, love life, spirituality, children, community, and anything else important to you..
Remember: no goal and dream are too small or big to realize but you got to get started.
Don’t forget to celebrate even the smallest achievement. It’s a motivational therapy.
Bottom Line
Like your fingerprint, your divorce is unique to you. Therefore, the ways of reinventing yourself should be personal and tailored to fit your new path, interests and dreams.
Regardless of the divorce tsunami debris left on your path, learn to clear it, and with positive energy and attitude, go on to your happy life ahead.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
You’ve accepted the fact that the marriage is over, you’ve signed the dotted line to finalize everything. Now, you’re wondering when it would be the right time to move on and start dating someone new. Maybe your ex has already moved on and you’re wondering if you should do the same. Maybe neither of you is dating someone new yet, but you think you just might be ready to start.
The short and sweet answer to this burning question would be, there really is no set or “right” amount of time to wait after a divorce to start dating again. Honestly, this is different for each and every person. Some may feel ready after only a couple of months, others after a year or more, others feel ready before the divorce is even finalized. You have to decide what is best for you. No one can answer that for you, however, there ARE a few ways to know if the time is truly right.
1.) You have sorted through your feelings
You have sorted through your feelings and are sure that you want to re-enter the dating world because you’re ready and not because you have any ill intentions. Your intentions for dating should not be to make your ex jealous, to seek validation or because you are lonely and want someone to fill your time. Dating should be something you seek to have fun and find a love that is a blessing to you. No person or thing can complete you so you want to be sure that you are healthy and whole before bringing another person into your life.
2. You are sure that you are no longer holding on to your ex
Be honest with yourself in determining whether or not you are truly over your ex. Many of us have signed the final paperwork and have SAID we’re ready to move on while deep down we are still holding out hope that we will reconcile things with our ex.
3. You’re not doing it because someone else says you should
Maybe you’ve gotten to a place where you’re comfortable and happy alone. This is not “wrong” or “weird”, in fact, this is wonderful. Please do not allow friends, family, society, anyone make you feel as if they should be able to tell you when YOU should be ready to get back out there. You aren’t here to “keep up with the Joneses”, you are here to live your life and you only get one. Live your life on YOUR terms.
4. You feel in your gut that it is time.
You know what feels right to and for you. Women’s intuition is a beast! All you have to do is pay attention to your intuition and you will know. No one will be able to tell you better than you when it’s time to move on, when it’s time to date again or anything for that matter. Learn to trust your own voice, your own intuition.
5. You aren’t doing it because of FOMO
I know you see all the cute couples on Instagram and Facebook with their cute pictures with the cute captions. You see pictures of couples out on dates and on vacations and giving each other nice gifts and you just want to experience the same. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it simply means that you are human. However, you have to know that what’s for you is and will always be for YOU. You will not miss any, that is not ONE thing will pass you by if it is truly meant for you. You don’t have to rush it, you don’t have to beg it, you don’t have to force it. Your time WILL come.
6. Considered how our children will react
If you are now a single mom, you will want to be sure you have considered your children and how they will react. They will be affected by the decisions you make so you, as always and in all things, want to be sure you are making good decisions for them. Now, let me be clear here in saying that I, in no way, shape or form want you to ever feel shame or allow anyone else’s opinion to make you feel wrong for wanting to date as a mom. I don’t care if your kids are under the age of five or are teenagers getting ready to head off to college. You are human and you not only deserve, but you NEED a life outside of your kids. So, please know that my suggestion to consider your children’s reactions simply means that you feel ready to introduce them to someone new should you think it appropriate. You want to be sure you feel this new person would be a good fit for your family when and if it gets to that point.
Overall, this process is all about you and what you feel comfortable with. If you want to date and feel it is the right time, go for it! If you want to date, but feel you may need a little more time, take your time! There is no right or wrong answer here! This is YOUR life and you want to live it to the fullest! Do you, boo! Enjoy your life and let no one make you feel bad for it!
Shakina is a relationship and sexuality coach as well as a blogger, and motivational speaker. She is a single mom of two and resides in Jackson, Mississippi with her two handsome boys. She’s passionate about helping women recognize their greatness in life, love, and between the sheets.
Follow her on Social Media:
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Instagram-@shakinatalkssex
A reader had a question about how to deal with her single mom dating frustrations. She wanted to know how to find a great guy who is not needy and expecting her to do all the emotional and financial work.
She also wanted to know how to find a man who is strong, professional, and not looking for a needy woman (which she is the complete opposite of). She’s tried online dating but that doesn’t work and she wants a different kind of man but keeps attracting the same kind as the one she dumped.
This lady has several things going on in her head and her emotions are very high. I can understand her dilemma and hopefully I can offer some insight to at least give her hope and peace.
I want to start with this caveat. Everybody is looking for love and looking for relief from the loneliness they feel. It is universal and deeply heartfelt. As humans we can’t get around this because we are all born with a hole in our soul that yearns to be filled with love.
First – Decide What You Want Out of Life and Single Mom Dating
Having said that, I want to encourage this woman to take a deep breath and really think about what she wants. She might use the time after her child is asleep to list all the good things she wants out of life. She will benefit from imagining her desires by closing her eyes and seeing those good things happening to her. This visualization is key to getting what you want out of life.
If she wants a strong, professional man she should imagine herself with that kind of man. Sometimes we focus so much on what we don’t want we end up attracting those things into our lives, over and over again. She mentioned that she keeps running into and attracting the same kind of man.
Second – Be the Kind of Person You Want to Attract
The next step is to look into her own life and heart and see if she is the kind of person she wants to attract. We are like mirrors and magnets. We see in others what we see in ourselves and we attract to ourselves, just like a magnet, the kind of people we really are on the inside.
Despite her saying she didn’t want a needy man, she is portraying neediness in desperately wanting to date, find a good man, and hold on to her strong, professional mask. Yes I said mask, because this is what she is hiding behind.
Remember I said that every person longs for love and has a space in their soul that needs to be filled? Often we hide behind one or several layers of masks to avoid being hurt or because we want to appear a certain way. This mask protects us, we think; but in reality it imprisons us and keeps us from the very thing we want. Love.
Looking deep within and seeing her character and personality is much more important than feeling strong and wearing the “I’m a professional” badge. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you cannot connect to others on an intimate level.
Forth – Look Deeper Into Your True Needs
I’ve gone a bit deep, I know, but the issues are deeper than they look on the surface. This woman thinks she wants a man who is different from what she’s dated, but what she probably really wants is deep connections with others, period.
She cannot attract the kind of man she wants until she is content with who she is as a person and gives up the search. She is not ready to receive the gift of a great relationship because she hasn’t accepted the gift of her own beautiful soul.
Fifth – Start Living Life and Open Your Heart
What if she looked around and started befriending people who need her love and support.
What if she took her daughter to volunteer once a month at her favorite charity?
What if she signed up for a sports league in her neighborhood?
What if she offered her professional services to the local networking group?
In each one of these scenarios she could meet the man of her dreams. When she is open and receptive because she is opening her heart to causes, the right man will come into her life.
Sixth – Focus on What You Want (Not What You Don’t Want)
As a whole, single moms are probably worn out because they have to do it all. I know I am, but I’m learning to take care of myself and giving myself a break. I am focusing on what I want and not on what I don’t want; and guess what? I am getting more of what I want out of life.
This ability to focus does not happen overnight. We do not wake up one day and discover our lives have done a complete 180 degree turn. We usually begin to notice our frustrations and pain in life then begin to seek answers. In our search we may find the problem we thought we had is very different than the one we actually have.
So the woman who is frustrated about the lack of date-able men and wants to find the perfect man may soon find her problems could disappear if she will only look a little deeper and refocus her problems.
Opening her heart to new opportunities in the areas of giving loving support, volunteering once a month, playing in the neighborhood sports league, or networking to share her professional skills will open the door to quality, date-able men.
Are you still reeling or healing from a toxic relationship? My book, No More Crumbs, can help you build up your resistance to future bad relationships. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. To do that you have to be healthy and know how to spot unhealthy men who will take you down a screaming roller coaster ride of terror. Pick up a copy of the book and begin healing your life.
Single Mom Dating Frustrations: 6 Steps to Getting Your Heart and Mind Ready for Love
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Note from Samantha: I’m bringing this guest post because I was married to a narcissist. It was the most painful, confusing, and soul-sucking experience I’ve ever had. It feels impossible to get out with your sanity, but it is possible to breakup with a narcissist, recover, and feel a sense of normalcy again.
You’ve tried everything to fix your relationship. You started with marriage courses, tears, anger, and now you’re finally had enough. But getting over a breakup is a difficult thing to do, especially after dating someone with a narcissistic personality.
Many often-associate narcissism with Greek mythology. The myth states that Narcissus was a hunter and the son of the river god Cephissus. He was a handsome young man who many people fell in love with, only to be turned away and treated with contempt.
While out hunting, Narcissus caught sight of his reflection in a pool of water and fell in love with himself. When he realizes he will never be able to be with the reflection in the water, he takes his own life.
Based on this story, it is no surprise that a narcissist is characterized as someone who is self-loving, egotistical, and has an inflated idea of their own importance.
On top of this already difficult personality, narcissists also commonly lie, violate boundaries, become highly aggressive when criticized, use emotional invalidation, gaslighting, and other invalidations to get their way.
Trying to raise your children while being treated like second-banana by your spouse creates emotional baggage and unresolved feelings that can be difficult to get rid of. Here are 6 ways to start.
1. Focus on Self-Love
In the study Empathy in Narcissistic Personality Disorder: From Clinical and Empirical Perspectives, researchers found that “clinical presentations of NPD suggest that empathy is not simply deficient in these individuals, but dysfunctional and subject to a diverse set of motivational and situational factors.”
Simply put, narcissists lack genuine empathy for others unless it serves their own purpose.
Having a partner who lacks empathy, especially while you were trying to raise children together, is extremely frustrating. Your former spouse’s lack of seeing things from your perspective or having sympathy for you can leave you feeling unloved and unremarkable after the relationship is over.
Therefore, it’s important to focus on self-love both inside and out.
Remember your worth. A study published by Berkeley found that cultivating gratitude and developing self-compassion can help you through a difficult breakup.
Start feeding your body good food that’s nutritious. Exercise daily. And start building yourself up with positive self-talk.
2. Disassociate from your Ex
One of the biggest suggestions for getting over a breakup with a narcissist is to cut off all contact you have with them. This means blocking them on social media, deleting them out of your phone, and refusing to stalk them online/check their email/asks friends about them.
Your primary focus right now should be you and your children, not worrying about what your ex is up to.
Do not fight back if they try to engage with you. Keep a record of their bad behavior, in case a custody battle should ever occur, but do not respond to it.
If you still share custody of your children, then it’s important to maintain communication as parents, but only about matters regarding the children. Furthermore, you do not have to see or speak to your ex in person or be friends with them. All you have to do is keep each other updated about your little ones.
3. Have a Support System
It can be embarrassing to tell those close to you that you are no longer with your partner. You may feel guilty or ashamed. But there is no need for these negative emotions when it comes to your separation.
Utilize your support system. Call them to chat, vent, or to let them cheer you up. Make social outings a regular part of your week for both you and your kids. And don’t be afraid to call a friend when you’re feeling down. It will do you good not to shut people out.
4. Take Back Your Power
A narcissist can make you feel incredibly powerless in your own life. They feed off of manipulation and control. Don’t let that narcissist continue to rob you of your power or individuality after you’ve broken up.
Get back in the game. Take the control back in your life by:
Practicing acceptance. What happened to you was awful. You could spend night after night replaying the worst ways you were treated and cringing about your abusive, narcissistic spouse. But don’t. Allow yourself a mourning period and then accept what happened and make it your goal to move forward.
It is also important to be productive after your breakup. Your little ones will make this an easy task for you. However, many women also find it helpful to make to-do lists or take up bullet journaling. Not only is this a great way to schedule out your days and routines, but it can also give you physical proof of the hard work and accomplishments you’re making in your life.
5. Take a Marriage Course
Whether you’re looking to get back into the dating game or are trying to deepen your knowledge of healthy relationships, taking an online marriage course can help.
Online marriage courses can be done from the comfort of your own home – and they aren’t just for married people.
These courses can teach you great communication strategies, learning compassion, relationship building, and navigating financial challenges – all of which can do wonders for both your relationship with your children and any future romances you have.
6. Stop Judging Yourself
How you would react if your best friend had been the victim in a controlling, narcissistic relationship? Would you say such things as: “You were so stupid not to realize what was going on!” or “I can’t believe you let your kids live in that environment”? Hardly! You would be kind, loving, and supportive of your friend.
So, why are you treating yourself any different?
Be understanding and kind to yourself about your past relationship. Don’t berate yourself. Instead, focus on the future and promise yourself never to let something like this happen again.
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Author Bio:Rachael Pace is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Today’s relationships are nothing like they were in the late 1900’s. Traditional values that once were the foundation of a committed relationship no longer play any significant role in those seen in today’s date.
For those that wish to know of whether the relationship they are in is considered as being exclusive by your significant other, then the mentioned below pointers or signs can help you better figure out where you stand in your relationship:
Mutual Time Spend TogetherPhoto Credit: Pexels.com
Whether it’s for a casual stroll in the park, time spent watching movies in the theatre, or even spend watching Netflix within the comfortable vicinity of your home for those that consider themselves to be introverts, spending a significant amount of time with your partner is an essential for a committed relationship.
In today’s fast-pacing life, time is the one commodity which cannot be bought, nor brought back. If your partner chooses to spend their precious time getting to know you better or opts for spending quality time with you more often, is an excellent sign of your relationship.
You Plan Your Future
Another first sign that you may be involved in a committed relationship includes both the partners altering or considering to change their life plan in accordance to ones that match each other or may be more convenient for the other. Single life is all about making decisions primarily based on your well-being and priorities.
While on the other hand, when in a relationship, if your significant other chooses to modify their plans by yours, you can consider your relationship to be a committed one.
You Make It Public
Making it public maybe 20 years ago involved introducing your partner to your parents or your friend’s circle; however, in today’s technologically advanced age, social media has taken over the role of making things go public.
A public shout-out to your bae, or your boo, in the world of social media, implies that your significant other is entirely comfortable with their respective family or friends circle knowing of your on-going relationship.
Mutual Vacationing
Vacationing together at your mutually desired location gives you a chance to create memories that can last an entire lifetime. On a more general note, no one wants to spend not only their time but also their hard-earned money alongside someone they may not consider as someone they are emotionally committed to.
Another way to test whether your significant other considers you as being exclusive, you may want to throw in the idea of going on a vacation together.
Talking About Bodily Functions
It may sound hilarious, but talking about bodily functions even if it may pertain to talking about an upset stomach can lead to creating a bond with the other that you may not have with those around you. The intimate conversations about your anatomy not only serve the purpose of sealing your relationship as more than just causal partners but also can be utilized as your occasional humorous story.
Most of all, it is communication that matters most. If you are unaware of where you may stand for your partner in their life right now then it is best to convey your feelings, thoughts, questions or emotions to your partner effectively via detailed communication.
Author Bio:
Mark was born and raised in New York. He is studying computer science to improve his knowledge about technology. Mark is an open-minded individual who loves exploring new ideas. He likes to review gadgets and outdoor products. Read his latest post on Make a Commitment with Promise Ring.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Hi! Welcome to RichSingleMomma.com. I started this website almost a decade ago because I couldn't find any blogs back then that helped single moms with money. I was having some success in that area so I decided to share what I knew about side hustles, making extra money, and managing money. Read more...
