When I was thinking about you today, a few REALLY important ideas came to mind.
Let me ask you two deeply essential questions.
Do you know why you’ve collected so many red flags in relationships (up until now, that is)?
And
Do you know how to spot GREEN FLAGS in relationships so you feel confident about moving forward and going HIGHER in your relationship?
My goal is for you to say YES to both questions, and feel confident that you’re self aware enough to move forward POWERFULLY in the process of having the relationship you want.
If you’re not saying YES right now, I want to help you.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
It’s the age old tale, boy meets girl, they fall in love and get married, have a couple of kids, get divorced and move on with other people.
Okay, okay, that isn’t really the way we were told things would go, but the reality is, that’s the way things went for many of us.
None of us really got married thinking the person we married was anything other than “the one”. None of us really expected that who we vowed to spend forever with wouldn’t actually be a part of our forever.
And what in the world are we supposed to do when we finally get back into these dating streets and meet someone new? How are we ever to determine when we should introduce our new partner or potential partner to our kids? How are we to know when the time is “right”?
We don’t want to upset our kids. We don’t want to have people saying bad things about us.
The Bright Side
The thing to remember though, is no when or how you decide to introduce this new person in your life to the people you love and care about, especially your kids, you run the risk of upsetting your kids and having people say not so nice things about you and/or your choices.
However, another possible outcome to that is, your kids could meet, take to, and build a genuine connection with the new man in your life instantly and the people around you could be genuinely happy for and supportive of you and your decision to move on with someone new.
The truth is, no one can make the decision of when to introduce your new man to your kids for you but you and you need only listen to your heart. You see, no matter what other people feel or what they have to say, the decision is ultimately up to you.
I will, however, give you a few things to think about when trying to make the determination of when the time is right.
Live YOUR Life
Please know that despite what you may have heard or read, it is absolutely fine and actually pretty healthy for your kids to see you dating and happy.
Know that no one controls your life or your happiness, but you. Also know that it’s absolutely okay to casually date and also to introduce a guy you’re casually dating to your kids.
You don’t have to divulge any more information to your kids or anyone else that you don’t feel comfortable with. You can introduce the guy you’re casually dating as a friend (if you guys are just casually dating that IS essentially what he is right?) or… not. It’s totally up to you.
YOU determine what goes on in your life and if you think your kids are old enough, mature enough, or whatever enough to let them know that the guy you’ve introduced them to is someone you’re only casually dating, then do that!
If you feel it best to only introduce a man you’re dating to your kids if you’re dating exclusively then do that! Listen to your heart, your gut and you will not go wrong.
The “right” time is when YOU feel it’s “right” and THAT is what’s most important.
As the time comes to move on, one may begin to wonder when or even IF you should tell the father of your child(ren) you’re dating someone new. You’ve moved on, you’ve met someone new, things are going well with them, and now you are beginning to wonder if you should let your ex in on the situation.
Well, let’s talk about it a bit shall we? While no one can tell you exactly what to do as this is your life and you have to make the decisions that you feel are best for you, I can give you a few things to think about. If your immediate answer is “no”, then you’ll want to consider your situation. Some questions to ask might be; Are your kids old enough to know what’s going on? Are they old enough to divulge the information to him instead of you? Do you think your ex may overreact? Do you think your ex finding out you’re dating someone new would cause issues or uncomfortable tension between the two of you?
On the other hand, if you are leaning more towards your “yes” being your answer, here are some tips; If you do decide to move forward with telling your ex, only give information on a “need to know” basis. You can say something like “I wanted to be the one to tell you that I’m dating someone new and he will be spending time with the kids.” If you know your ex is someone more likely than not to get upset over this, make a plan for what you will say and just let that be that.
Do NOT feed into temper tantrums. When all else fails, revert back to this age old rule of thumb, no matter how hard it seems to be, treat your ex the way you want to be treated. You are in no way, shape or form obligated to let them know your every move or even to let them know about every person you go out with, however, if and when things get serious enough to bring the new person around the kids regularly, you can be open enough to simply say “Hey! Someone I care about and who cares about me will be around our kids. I just thought you should know.” Now, with all this being said, be sure that you are ready for any and all questions your ex may have regarding the situations.
Also, remember that just because a question is asked doesn’t mean you have to answer it. Again, use your best judgement. It may be best to keep things very much on the surface, give only the details that are needed as it pertains to how it will affect the kids. You know your relationship (or lack thereof) with your ex, you know most likely what to expect.
So, on the other side, should your final determination be to keep this information to yourself, just be sure that you already have a plan in mind for the handling of a situation, should one arise, where your ex finds out about the new person in your life via an outside source. It’s also important to be sure that your reason for keeping this information private is because it is truly what you believe to be best and is not based on the perceived thoughts or opinions of anyone else. Please let no one shame you or impose their views onto you about what you decide to do with your life. You are just as worthy of love and affection as anyone else.
I know that there are many people who believe they should give their unsolicited opinions on your life, especially your dating and/or sex life once you become a mother, but remember that your life is your own. You may be told that you should wait until your kids are older. You may be told you shouldn’t date at all until your kids are out of your house. You may be told a bunch of bull that you should definitely let go in one ear and out the other. The only thing you “should” do is make whatever decisions for your life you feel best. So, take your time. Tell your ex you’re dating someone new in YOUR time… or not. Do you, boo. You only live once and you want to do that to the absolute fullest.
Shakina is a relationship and sexuality coach as well as a blogger, and motivational speaker. She is a single mom of two and resides in Jackson, Mississippi with her two handsome boys. She’s passionate about helping women recognize their greatness in life, love, and between the sheets.
Follow her on Social Media:
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Am I ready? Do I really want to go through this again? Do I have the time? Most single moms go through these and a whole other list of questions before they even dip their toes into the dating pool. Dating when you are single and without kids can, at times, be overwhelming, but single parent dating is a whole other story. You are not only choosing a partner for yourself but also someone for your child or children. This makes it that much harder, but not to worry, there are certain steps you can take to make your re-entry into the dating world a bit easier.
Decide what you are looking for
When we have kids, our priorities tend to change substantially. This means that we start looking for some other qualities in men than we did when we were young and single. And it is important that you take your time and make a list of what you need in a future partner.
Be careful though, don’t make one about what you don’t want, that one is easy and tends to preoccupy us a lot more. No, you need to attract someone with a certain set of qualities and that is what you need to focus on.
So, do you want an older or a younger man, do they need to have kids, or would you like someone with whom you can extend your family? These are all important issues to think about.
After all, the values and character traits of your future partner is what you will be bringing home to your kids, and you want them to have a good of a role model as you have been to them so far.
It is time to get back out there
You do want to have someone in your life, someone to rely on, someone who will love you and whom you will love. But you, as many women who have gone through several disappointing relationships and who have children, are afraid of failure and even more so you don’t want to disappoint your children, so there is a tendency to avoid the dating game altogether.
This is never a good option, so just to start you off, you might want to pay a visit to some renowned dating sites. See what is available out there in the dating pool. But make sure to be honest when you create your own profile, state clearly that you have children and how important it is to you to find someone who knows what that means.
Don’t worry, this won’t diminish your chances of finding the right date. On the contrary, you will attract those who are interested in you as a single mom and a hot-blooded woman, not just one or the other.
After you have seen what is out there in the online world, you might want to check out the real one. Dress up, get a sitter and have a night out with your friends, maybe you’ll get to meet someone new at your local cafe or restaurant.
Finally, don’t say no to being set up. Yes, people might think they know what you want, but once in a while they actually might get it right. And at least a blind date or two will get you out of the house and back into the dating game.
Don’t get easily discouraged
Wouldn’t it be nice to get that prince charming on the first try? Well, you might get lucky, but you also need to be prepared to kiss a few frogs first. Starting dating again means that you will get to meet a lot of different men, some might be similar to what you are looking for and some the complete opposite.
However, the most important thing is that you are finally out there, meeting new people, going out and having fun. So, if the first few dates don’t go exactly as you wanted them to, it’s ok, that happens, there is someone out there for you, just don’t get discouraged.
Also, don’t settle if you find only one of his ten jokes funny, and you don’t seem to have that much in common, you can say thank you, next (well, not to his face).
Dating someone just to avoid being alone will prevent you from meeting the person you should be with. So, stay in the game until you find exactly what you are looking for, or until he finds you.
No one said reentering the dating game as a single mom is going to be easy, but hey, you are raising a child alone and there is nothing, and we mean nothing, that can scare you.
That said, take some ‘me’ time, get dressed so that you feel fabulous and get out there, your future Mr. Right might be closer than you think!
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
A reader had a question about how to deal with her single mom dating frustrations. She wanted to know how to find a great guy who is not needy and expecting her to do all the emotional and financial work.
She also wanted to know how to find a man who is strong, professional, and not looking for a needy woman (which she is the complete opposite of). She’s tried online dating but that doesn’t work and she wants a different kind of man but keeps attracting the same kind as the one she dumped.
This lady has several things going on in her head and her emotions are very high. I can understand her dilemma and hopefully I can offer some insight to at least give her hope and peace.
I want to start with this caveat. Everybody is looking for love and looking for relief from the loneliness they feel. It is universal and deeply heartfelt. As humans we can’t get around this because we are all born with a hole in our soul that yearns to be filled with love.
First – Decide What You Want Out of Life and Single Mom Dating
Having said that, I want to encourage this woman to take a deep breath and really think about what she wants. She might use the time after her child is asleep to list all the good things she wants out of life. She will benefit from imagining her desires by closing her eyes and seeing those good things happening to her. This visualization is key to getting what you want out of life.
If she wants a strong, professional man she should imagine herself with that kind of man. Sometimes we focus so much on what we don’t want we end up attracting those things into our lives, over and over again. She mentioned that she keeps running into and attracting the same kind of man.
Second – Be the Kind of Person You Want to Attract
The next step is to look into her own life and heart and see if she is the kind of person she wants to attract. We are like mirrors and magnets. We see in others what we see in ourselves and we attract to ourselves, just like a magnet, the kind of people we really are on the inside.
Despite her saying she didn’t want a needy man, she is portraying neediness in desperately wanting to date, find a good man, and hold on to her strong, professional mask. Yes I said mask, because this is what she is hiding behind.
Remember I said that every person longs for love and has a space in their soul that needs to be filled? Often we hide behind one or several layers of masks to avoid being hurt or because we want to appear a certain way. This mask protects us, we think; but in reality it imprisons us and keeps us from the very thing we want. Love.
Looking deep within and seeing her character and personality is much more important than feeling strong and wearing the “I’m a professional” badge. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you cannot connect to others on an intimate level.
Forth – Look Deeper Into Your True Needs
I’ve gone a bit deep, I know, but the issues are deeper than they look on the surface. This woman thinks she wants a man who is different from what she’s dated, but what she probably really wants is deep connections with others, period.
She cannot attract the kind of man she wants until she is content with who she is as a person and gives up the search. She is not ready to receive the gift of a great relationship because she hasn’t accepted the gift of her own beautiful soul.
Fifth – Start Living Life and Open Your Heart
What if she looked around and started befriending people who need her love and support.
What if she took her daughter to volunteer once a month at her favorite charity?
What if she signed up for a sports league in her neighborhood?
What if she offered her professional services to the local networking group?
In each one of these scenarios she could meet the man of her dreams. When she is open and receptive because she is opening her heart to causes, the right man will come into her life.
Sixth – Focus on What You Want (Not What You Don’t Want)
As a whole, single moms are probably worn out because they have to do it all. I know I am, but I’m learning to take care of myself and giving myself a break. I am focusing on what I want and not on what I don’t want; and guess what? I am getting more of what I want out of life.
This ability to focus does not happen overnight. We do not wake up one day and discover our lives have done a complete 180 degree turn. We usually begin to notice our frustrations and pain in life then begin to seek answers. In our search we may find the problem we thought we had is very different than the one we actually have.
So the woman who is frustrated about the lack of date-able men and wants to find the perfect man may soon find her problems could disappear if she will only look a little deeper and refocus her problems.
Opening her heart to new opportunities in the areas of giving loving support, volunteering once a month, playing in the neighborhood sports league, or networking to share her professional skills will open the door to quality, date-able men.
Are you still reeling or healing from a toxic relationship? My book, No More Crumbs, can help you build up your resistance to future bad relationships. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. To do that you have to be healthy and know how to spot unhealthy men who will take you down a screaming roller coaster ride of terror. Pick up a copy of the book and begin healing your life.
Single Mom Dating Frustrations: 6 Steps to Getting Your Heart and Mind Ready for Love
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
It’s been seven years since my divorce and occasionally I think I’m ready for a new relationship. The problem is I am something of a home body and don’t really like the thought of going “out”. It’s time consuming, expensive, and way outside of my comfort zone.
My daughter thinks I should get out and meet people. I suppose I should be but it all feels too hard for me. I’d rather be behind my computer creating something wonderful for you! 🙂
The loneliness begins to take a toll after a while though so what’s an attractive, smart, and slightly bitchy assertive woman like me to do?
I’ll tell you.
Discovering Online Dating Sites
A few years ago I discovered dating sites. It was almost like discovering fire!
I was initially turned off because of the horror stories I heard.
But as the years went by I began hearing (and meeting) people who were actually meeting and marrying people they met online. Just the other day I met a lady who met her husband online so there are a few success stories.
I began to experiment with the idea then got the nerve up to actually join a site, write my profile, and post a picture. I waited and sure enough I began to get messages. The problem was I couldn’t read them because I had to become a full member first. 🙁
I tried a few different sites and learned a lot of lessons in the process. With my budget at the time, I needed to find free dating sites. It was risky but I had to go through trial by fire if I wanted to meet someone.
I had to implement a few things to weed out the duds including:
Making my intentions clear
Creating a clear, concise, and compelling ad
Sticking to and communicating my boundaries
Following my intuition
Being my authentic self
One site I’ve used is:
PlentyofFish (POF)
Pros
Definitely PlentyofFish on this site from every corner of the globe it seems so you are going to find someone in your neck of the woods
Easy set profile set up. I think it may take about five minutes but I took longer because I wanted a more complete profile.
A great option if looking to date seriously as the search options range from casual to looking for marriage
Features a forum to meet people and talk about the single life or connect with people with the same interest
Great app to check out profiles and your messages as well as respond on the go
Location based results. I was a little freaked out when I was traveling and got messages from people in the city I was visiting. I suppose it’s good if you want to meet someone locally.
Cons
You have too many people to choose from. Too many choices can keep you and a potential date from making a decision.
May run into a few creepy people. Be sure to vet them carefully and follow your intuition.
In part two I’ll discuss other online dating sites and Online Dating Strategies that Works (for me at least 🙂 )
This article was sponsored in part by PlentyofFish.com but the experiences and opinions are my own.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Hi! Welcome to RichSingleMomma.com. I started this website almost a decade ago because I couldn't find any blogs back then that helped single moms with money. I was having some success in that area so I decided to share what I knew about side hustles, making extra money, and managing money. Read more...
