My son is driving me to the brink!

Now that he is 13 years old and a few inches taller than me he thinks he’s grown and tells me so, quite often, while comparing our heights. I firmly let him know being grown is not about how tall you are but how mature you are. He just shrugs and walks away.

But back to why he is driving me to the brink. I am about to air some of his dirty laundry for the sake of illustrating an important parenting point so don’t judge me (or him).

When His Mess Disrupts My Peace There is H*ll to Pay

My creative son the Roman soldier. Everything made from cardboard and scrap fabric. Gotta love ‘em!

Like mother like son. (This is when he was shorter than me…about a year ago)

My son is organizationally challenged but very creative. He gets it honestly from me but his mess is on a whole other level. I mean clothes everywhere and no matter how much I threaten to throw them all away, he is content with his mess.

I’m not one of those mothers who picks up behind him or nags him to clean everyday. My minimum request is to pick up your stuff and make sure there are no offensive odors coming from the room. Being driven to the brink is when his mess spills over into other parts of the house.

“Pizza under my sofa?”

“Really dude?”

” Unbelievable!”

Laying Down the Law Like Only a Ninja Momma Can

His sister ratted him out and I latched on the back of his arm (you know that really tender spot back there) like Cujo. Okay not that badly but I wanted to. I pinched and held on for a good minute while driving my point home about not leaving food under my furniture.

He took it like a little man and refused to cry or let a tear fall but his eyes got pretty round and he understood my point. I asked him what he has to say about it. “I’m sorry” was his response and “I won’t do it again” was his reply when I asked, “what else”.

The Prayer that Would Save Him From Ruin

He is just too cute! I prayed I wouldn’t spoil him for the second woman in his life.

Who could resist the face of this little prince?

My kid was born handsome and I knew if I didn’t put myself in check I would ruin him for the world and any woman he ended up with. So I said a prayer for self-control so I wouldn’t be blinded by his cuteness and spoil him rotten. It’s worked so far but I still have to remain focused on the goal.

I am raising a man, a world citizen who will l eventually leave my home and become a member of society. He can’t make it if I let stuff like pizza under the sofa slide by without consequences.

Lecturing Teaching Personal Responsibility

Later I lectured him on the importance of being responsible and taking initiative. Keeping his room clean and learning are his only real jobs, while going out and working to provide a roof over his head and food to eat is my job.

He then mumbled something (because he dare not say it out loud) about learning being too hard. *Sigh* Big mistake to say that buddy!

Enlightening the Young Grasshopper About Learning

“Too hard?”

“Learning is too hard?”

Well you know I went into another 10 minute diatribe about learning. I explained that learning is something he is constantly doing. When he watches movies and tv shows (with the subtitles on) on Netflix and Amazon Prime he is learning.

When he plays video games he is learning. When he talks to people like grandpa and his aunt he is learning.
When he goes on YouTube and learns how to make a sheath for his new sword out of duck tape he is learning.

“So learning is easy and I don’t ever want to hear you say it’s hard again.”

“Do you understand?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“You no longer have an excuse for not learning because it’s easy.”

Cracking the Whip and Doing Chores Builds Lifelong Character

After my lecture, er…teaching moment, I gave him cleaning instructions and left him to it.

Was he angry? Yes.

Did I care? Nope.

Why?

Because his temporary anger is less important than the long term lessons he will learn and that will equip him for the future.

I’m not his friend but his parent and life coach. Like a dojo master of life I must be tough when I need to be and kind/compassionate when the situation calls for it.

I’ve think I’ve learned to find a balance with both my kids. They each require different coaching styles from me. Where one can handle being fussed at the other dissolves into tears. One is stubborn and tough while the other is more pliable. Knowing their personalities is important in this process. Building character is the goal regardless of their personality because it is what matters at the end of the day.

How do you deal with your son (or daughter) when he/she threatens to drive you to the brink?

One of the best things you can do as a solo mom is get out and have fun. I don’t mean the clubbing, get down and dirty drunk, kind of fun but clean fun that energizes you. There is a big difference.

I had that kind of fun this weekend at a Masquerade Ball sponsored by my church’s social committee. It was not the standard stale and boring banquet you see in typical churches. Nope it was a party with a band, costumes, and lots of dancing!

My life is blessed because it is filled with supportive people from my church as well as family. I can be me and feel 100% accepted. Isn’t that what we all want deep down?

If you can find a place or group of people like that then you have an awesome head start. It kills the isolation that is very present in the single mom life. It also puts a dent in your depression.

I used to think I couldn’t go to parties if I didn’t have a date so I wouldn’t go. Not any more. I go because I want the fellowship and fun. So far I’ve had no regrets, plus I get to meet and dance with all the single guys there.

Here are a few pictures from the event. While you are looking through them why not find a party or other social event to attend. You really need it.

Stress, you can’t avoid it but you can outsmart it!

Each April, in light of Stress Awareness month, experts on the topic, offer information intended to make us smarter and better armed against stress. Some of today’s leading authorities on stress believe this modern-day pandemic has become so pervasive that we’ve simply adapted to this unhealthy condition.

Stress ages us, it creates mental and emotional overload, creativity, clarity and decision making abilities decline, it causes aches and pains, adds fat to our belly area, fragments our thinking and can make us exceptionally irritable and unpleasant to be around. In fact, stress has been found to be the number one proxy-killer disease and the American Medical Association notes it as the basic cause of more than 60% of all human illness.

Harvard-trained integrative physician and New York Times bestselling author of The Hormone Cure: Reclaim Balance, Sleep, Sex Drive, and Vitality with The Gottfried Protocol, Dr. Sara Gottfried, explains, “Chronic stress burns through your happy brain chemicals such as serotonin, the neurotransmitter that supports your mood, sleep, and appetite. In other words, if you don’t manage stress – it manages you by causing or worsening 95% of disease and robbing you of sleep, good humor, and a thin waist.”

Helping to educate more people about the seriousness of stress, HeartMath, widely recognized for its science-based stress solutions, created this infographic showing how stress affects the body and offering five uncommonly known facts about stress. This is an excellent picture of how stress affects us – whether we know it or not.

So what can you do to reduce stress or even outsmart it?  Try one of following suggestions or better yet try them all. Either way you’ll be lessening your own stress and taking steps towards a healthier, happier life.

1. Pets are a great way to manage stress. Animals help by allowing us to focus on the positive things in our lives. Playing with pets and just having them in the house can reduce fears and anxieties in most situations. Moreover, the simple act of touching or petting an animal can actually change the way you respond to a stressful situation. It’s important to note that this may not be a solution for everyone – as pets do come with additional work and responsibility. For most people, the benefits can outweigh the drawbacks.

2. Adjust your eating habits. Long-term stress can increase your appetite and cause you to binge on unhealthy foods. This kind of emotional eating is often the body’s way of coping with the stressors. Mother Nature makes excellent stress fighters. Foods naturally rich in vitamins and minerals can help fight increased levels of cortisol – a stress hormone. Next time you get the urge to binge on greasy fast food or ice cream, try a handful of vitamin C-packed berries instead.

3. Train and guide yourself to better manage stress. For those that are serious about reducing stress, there are high-tech tools to help. For example, the Inner Balance trainer provides a highly specialized 3-step technique, and real-time feedback helps you synchronize your breath and heart rhythms as you retrain your mind body response to stress. This techno stress reducer has become widely popular with healthcare professionals that want an effective solution they can suggest to patients. “If a patient rolls her eyes at my prescription of yoga or mindfulness, I whip this out. This isn’t some crazy Berkeley woo-woo idea— major healthcare organizations use it. Using this technology I am less likely to fight with my husband or scream at my children. I still have the same stressors but I can meet them differently with this training,” said Dr. Gottfried.

4. Be social. While there are times it feels like relationships with friends and family may be the cause of stress, a strong supportive network of family and friends can also significantly reduce stress and act as buffer. Enjoying the company of others can relieve feelings of tension and improve overall psychological well-being. Being with others that we care for and love can increase our positive emotional experiences. Some positive emotions have been shown to increase DHEA, known as the anti-aging hormone, and trigger oxytocin, known as the love hormone. These good-for-you hormones can help combat stress and may even boost the immune system.

This April, take advantage of the added information available throughout Stress Awareness Month. Adding even one of these new ideas into your daily life may help in creating the healthier, less stressful lifestyle you deserve!

About HeartMath®:

HeartMath (www.heartmath.com) was founded by Doc Childre and is a cutting-edge performance company providing a range of unique services, products and technologies to improve health and well being, while dramatically reducing stress. HeartMath clinical studies have demonstrated the critical link between emotions, heart function and cognitive performance. HeartMath studies have been published in numerous peer-reviewed journals such as American Journal of Cardiology, Stress Medicine, Preventive Cardiology and Journal of the American College of Cardiology. Its stress reducing solutions are used in leading healthcare organizations, VA hospitals and clinics, as well as by more than 15,000 health professionals and dozens of school systems throughout the US.

We all go through challenging times at one point or another in our lives. It’s so important to not allow ourselves to get off course during these times. If we do find ourselves off course, it’s important to get back on course by having a plan or set goals so that we are able to get you where we need to be.

Develop a Relationship with God / Read Scripture

A relationship with God sustains you. As a believer, when you put your relationship with God first it causes you to leave your worries behind (Matt. 6:33 and Prov. 3:5-6) and to focus on Him. He will take care of you and He knows what you need. You have to remember that nothing is bigger than God (Phil. 4:13). He is your creator; He loves you, and wants nothing but the best for you.

It’s important to find scriptures that are uplifting to you and that you can refer to when you need to be uplifted. If you don’t know any, get on your computer and search for uplifting scriptures and go from there.

Sometimes our friends or family are not around when we need to be uplifted. God has provided His word for us at just those times. Consider it your manual for your life from your manufacturer. After all, when you buy something from a store whether it is a toaster or a vacuum cleaner, it always comes with an owner’s manual.

When we are broken and need to be fixed or uplifted, we need to refer to our manual to find out what will help us get back on track so our lives we will run smoother. It’s also important to pray for His protection to surround you during challenging times. It’s during these times that we are quite vulnerable.

A protection scripture I refer to daily is Psalm 91. I know that there are others but this one is a favorite of mine. Again, you can always do a search and find scriptures for protection. Always remember who you are and whose you are.

Keep a Journal

A journal is another way outside of having a prayerful life that allows me to release what’s inside of me onto paper so I can see in black and white what I’m feeling at that moment. This release causes me to take time to breathe and focus.

It allows me to say, “Okay this is what’s going on right now, this is how I’m feeling, I’m here right now but where I really want to be is over there. How do I get there?” Even though you may not realize it at the time, it’s as though you are writing your own directions to a road map, your own road map to your course of life. This “distraction” has caused me to be at Point A but I need to be at Point B.

The journey or directions that we take to get to our Point B is also important. What you do during your journey should sustain you. Your “directions” are the actions you need to take in order to get you to where you need to be.

Do you want to go back to school?

Do you need to forgive someone for hurting you?

Do you need to put an end to a relationship?

Do you want to lose weight?

Write the steps you need to take in order to get to Point B and review them often. If it helps to write them on note cards, post-it notes, on your to-do list, etc. Just write them down and refer back them often.

Maybe you want to purchase a house and having a picture of a house that you see yourself buying is what you need to keep you on track. Find that picture and keep it on your mirror, refrigerator, wherever you will see it to remind you that this is your Point B.

Whether it is when you are feeling discouraged or if it’s a daily reminder to yourself that you are on the right track, it is a way to remind you that this is your Point B and you will be here in no time.

Goals and the steps to obtain them are your starting point, middle point, and your end point. Remember that obtaining goals takes time and that’s okay. The process you will go through to achieve your goals will be the process where you gain more wisdom, more strength and growth. Remember that goals usually don’t happen overnight but with faith, patience and a plan you will get there.                                                                   

1. Put the guilt away (preferably in a bag and take it to the curb)

Our society likes to manipulate mothers by playing on our doubts and insecurities. With single moms the guilt seems to be intensified a hundred fold. When society isn’t guilting us, our kids may be guilting us and we often guilt ourselves. We need to keep our expectations of ourselves and our children realistic and if we have no means of gauging what realistic means, a good sensible book will be a huge help. I found “Healthy Parenting” by Janet Geringer Woititz a godsend but there are a number of other great books out there. If we can’t afford to go to Chapters, there’s always the local library. I’ve actually found the bulk of my really helpful books at Value Village and the Salvation Army.

2. Have a laugh

My kids are two of the funniest people I have ever met. A simple game of Crazy Eights or my Tina Turner impression can turn into a ROTFL event and we all feel so much better afterwards. Watching a comedy flick or some comedians on You Tube gives me a break from the stress and seriousness of life and gives me an endorphin shower (can never get too many of those)!

3. Pamper yourself

When it’s my “time of the month” it’s candles and bubble bath every night. If I don’t have bubble bath Epsom salt will do. I don’t consider this frivolous, I consider it necessary in order to maintain some sanity. Sometimes I pray and sometimes I let my mind drift but either way I’m not focused on the stress and I’m also doing something exclusively for me. When I constantly put others first and deny my needs I begin to lose perspective on my value and doing something for myself affirms that I am important.

4. Release the tension in a positive manner

Whether it’s exercising, venting to someone or screaming in the shower we need to release the tension we’re feeling or we’ll end up exploding and possibly harming ourselves or someone else. Much of the illness I have experienced has been a result of stress build-up inside of me and I have learned the hard way to release the tension I’m feeling before it escalates. One thing I do when I’m upset is I clean furiously because it’s physical, I have the energy to do it when I’m stressed out, and the end result is tangible and satisfying. If only the end result would last longer…

5. Keep things in their proper perspective

One of my frequent prayers is that God would help me to see things are they really are. Much of my stress is a result of my skewed perspective on situations. We are surrounded by a million messages that tell us we don’t have enough stuff and we need more, more and more. Do I really need 10 pairs of pants? 3 ski jackets? Do I really need a new loveseat when my 20-year-old loveseat is still in good shape and there’s nothing wrong with it? Whenever one of my kids went through a growth spurt, I would panic and think, “Oh no! What am I gonna do now? I have to buy a new wardrobe for him/her and I can’t afford it!” Not so…especially now that I don’t have to go out to a laundromat anymore. I can do laundry every night if I need to and hang the clothes up if I’m concerned about electricity usage. We can wear the same shirt or pants more than one time in a week. I try to stay focused on what we do have as opposed to what we don’t have. It’s helpful to find someone stable and sensible to talk with to help you keep things in their proper perspective.

These are five tried and true methods that have worked for me over the past 19 years and I hope that you try them too!