Now that he is 13 years old and a few inches taller than me he thinks he’s grown and tells me so, quite often, while comparing our heights. I firmly let him know being grown is not about how tall you are but how mature you are. He just shrugs and walks away.
But back to why he is driving me to the brink. I am about to air some of his dirty laundry for the sake of illustrating an important parenting point so don’t judge me (or him).
When His Mess Disrupts My Peace There is H*ll to Pay
My creative son the Roman soldier. Everything made from cardboard and scrap fabric. Gotta love ’em!
Like mother like son. (This is when he was shorter than me…about a year ago)
My son is organizationally challenged but very creative. He gets it honestly from me but his mess is on a whole other level. I mean clothes everywhere and no matter how much I threaten to throw them all away, he is content with his mess.
I’m not one of those mothers who picks up behind him or nags him to clean everyday. My minimum request is to pick up your stuff and make sure there are no offensive odors coming from the room. Being driven to the brink is when his mess spills over into other parts of the house.
“Pizza under my sofa?”
“Really dude?”
” Unbelievable!”
Laying Down the Law Like Only a Ninja Momma Can
His sister ratted him out and I latched on the back of his arm (you know that really tender spot back there) like Cujo. Okay not that badly but I wanted to. I pinched and held on for a good minute while driving my point home about not leaving food under my furniture.
He took it like a little man and refused to cry or let a tear fall but his eyes got pretty round and he understood my point. I asked him what he has to say about it. “I’m sorry” was his response and “I won’t do it again” was his reply when I asked, “what else”.
The Prayer that Would Save Him From Ruin
He is just too cute! I prayed I wouldn’t spoil him for the second woman in his life.
Who could resist the face of this little prince?
My kid was born handsome and I knew if I didn’t put myself in check I would ruin him for the world and any woman he ended up with. So I said a prayer for self-control so I wouldn’t be blinded by his cuteness and spoil him rotten. It’s worked so far but I still have to remain focused on the goal.
I am raising a man, a world citizen who will l eventually leave my home and become a member of society. He can’t make it if I let stuff like pizza under the sofa slide by without consequences.
Lecturing Teaching Personal Responsibility
Later I lectured him on the importance of being responsible and taking initiative. Keeping his room clean and learning are his only real jobs, while going out and working to provide a roof over his head and food to eat is my job.
He then mumbled something (because he dare not say it out loud) about learning being too hard. *Sigh* Big mistake to say that buddy!
Enlightening the Young Grasshopper About Learning
“Too hard?”
“Learning is too hard?”
Well you know I went into another 10 minute diatribe about learning. I explained that learning is something he is constantly doing. When he watches movies and tv shows (with the subtitles on) on Netflix and Amazon Prime he is learning.
When he plays video games he is learning. When he talks to people like grandpa and his aunt he is learning.
When he goes on YouTube and learns how to make a sheath for his new sword out of duck tape he is learning.
“So learning is easy and I don’t ever want to hear you say it’s hard again.”
“Do you understand?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“You no longer have an excuse for not learning because it’s easy.”
Cracking the Whip and Doing Chores Builds Lifelong Character
After my lecture, er…teaching moment, I gave him cleaning instructions and left him to it.
Was he angry? Yes.
Did I care? Nope.
Why?
Because his temporary anger is less important than the long term lessons he will learn and that will equip him for the future.
I’m not his friend but his parent and life coach. Like a dojo master of life I must be tough when I need to be and kind/compassionate when the situation calls for it.
I’ve think I’ve learned to find a balance with both my kids. They each require different coaching styles from me. Where one can handle being fussed at the other dissolves into tears. One is stubborn and tough while the other is more pliable. Knowing their personalities is important in this process. Building character is the goal regardless of their personality because it is what matters at the end of the day.
How do you deal with your son (or daughter) when he/she threatens to drive you to the brink?
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
One of the best things you can do as a solo mom is get out and have fun. I don’t mean the clubbing, get down and dirty drunk, kind of fun but clean fun that energizes you. There is a big difference.
I had that kind of fun this weekend at a Masquerade Ball sponsored by my church’s social committee. It was not the standard stale and boring banquet you see in typical churches. Nope it was a party with a band, costumes, and lots of dancing!
My life is blessed because it is filled with supportive people from my church as well as family. I can be me and feel 100% accepted. Isn’t that what we all want deep down?
If you can find a place or group of people like that then you have an awesome head start. It kills the isolation that is very present in the single mom life. It also puts a dent in your depression.
I used to think I couldn’t go to parties if I didn’t have a date so I wouldn’t go. Not any more. I go because I want the fellowship and fun. So far I’ve had no regrets, plus I get to meet and dance with all the single guys there.
Here are a few pictures from the event. While you are looking through them why not find a party or other social event to attend. You really need it.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Recently I asked single moms and a few experts how new single moms can handle everyday stress. They shared this advice…
Real Single Moms Speak
I get my mom to watch them after they are asleep and go out for a few hours.–michigamom5150
I get stressed and I let it ride out.–delilahsmom1177
Basically spend his nap time, and bedtime doing things for me. –Delila12
I find something calming for all of us to do together. –happylife123
I take it day by day ..moment by moment.. breath by breath.. –KRIZZ25
I would take my kids to the park and or the pool for some destressing time…–brieri
What’s working momentarily (she is three, after all) is playing music with her.–thesj180herself
Being apart during the day helps us… he is in school or camp and I am at work. –virginiamama71
What helped with my stress is when my son had baseball practice.i got to see other parents and just talk…-baseballmom5416
I learned meditation years ago to handle every day stress and to unwind at night. –Robsessed98
The Experts Speak
Life Transitions Coach and Single Mom
I am a Life Transitions Coach and a single mom of two children aged 11 and 14. While their dependency on me has changed over the years, I have found that the tried and true tip that works at all ages is to prepare the night before to simplify the morning routine. Pack lunches, lay out clothes, pack school bags (sign permission slips, write notes to teachers), and plan the meal for the next evening.
Get the whole family exercising together. Everyone’s stress will be reduced! Try whatever makes your family the happiest. At our house, we have a jar with slips of paper (hiking, biking, rollerblading, etc.) to use for a random choice. Jump roping, running, dancing to the radio … so many free activities!!!!
Syd Hoffman
Author of All-Day Energy: 100 Ways to Boost Your Energy…Now!
480-814-1780
www.SydHoffman.com
It’s NOT selfish to put your own needs before your children’s when there is a healthy balance on both sides. Children need to learn that all of their needs are not going to be met all of the time, and that the needs of others also need to be considered and respected.
DR. JOSEPH CILONA
www.drcilona.com
Heather Hans
Laugh! Remember that comedy is the flip side of tragedy. The two are closer to the same thing than you may think. Not only does every cloud have a silver lining, but it has a hilarious side, as well. Nothing challenges our faith as much as seeming tragedy. Humor helps us see our life from a new perspective (often times a more objective one), and it also allows us to come up with creative solutions to our problems. It raises our consciousness and energy level and can serve to enhance our spiritual connection amidst times of turmoil and life questions.
Heather Hans
www.heatherhans.com
As a psychotherapist, family counselor and single parent, one thing I did was to leverage my time and energy by forming a neighborhood cooperative where we took each other children for a few hours to give us a cost-free break. AND, it was often easier with a friend or two as they entertained each other and freed up more time to think and breath while remaining available.
Mom must put herself 1st. It’s not selfish, it is responsible. She can’t continue to give and give and give is she has no way of re-filling herself – perhaps having a friend or relative watch the kids for 2 hours two or three times a week to take a walk, go to the gym and roam around the book
store. Something she does just for herself. She will feel better about herself, release those endorphins and the result will be more patience with the kids and work. She will just be a better mom, friend, etc.
Teresa Van-Zeller, ACCHt
www.hypnosis2000.com
Dr. Peter Zafirides
Single moms deal with so much pressure. It is hard enough to take care of all the obligations of taking care of the kids and running a household on their own. They feel like they have to do everything AND do everything perfectly. Realize you are human and set proper limits – with kids, extended family and work.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
We all go through challenging times at one point or another in our lives. It’s so important to not allow ourselves to get off course during these times. If we do find ourselves off course, it’s important to get back on course by having a plan or set goals so that we are able to get you where we need to be.
Develop a Relationship with God / Read Scripture
A relationship with God sustains you. As a believer, when you put your relationship with God first it causes you to leave your worries behind (Matt. 6:33 and Prov. 3:5-6) and to focus on Him. He will take care of you and He knows what you need. You have to remember that nothing is bigger than God (Phil. 4:13). He is your creator; He loves you, and wants nothing but the best for you.
It’s important to find scriptures that are uplifting to you and that you can refer to when you need to be uplifted. If you don’t know any, get on your computer and search for uplifting scriptures and go from there.
Sometimes our friends or family are not around when we need to be uplifted. God has provided His word for us at just those times. Consider it your manual for your life from your manufacturer. After all, when you buy something from a store whether it is a toaster or a vacuum cleaner, it always comes with an owner’s manual.
When we are broken and need to be fixed or uplifted, we need to refer to our manual to find out what will help us get back on track so our lives we will run smoother. It’s also important to pray for His protection to surround you during challenging times. It’s during these times that we are quite vulnerable.
A protection scripture I refer to daily is Psalm 91. I know that there are others but this one is a favorite of mine. Again, you can always do a search and find scriptures for protection. Always remember who you are and whose you are.
Keep a Journal
A journal is another way outside of having a prayerful life that allows me to release what’s inside of me onto paper so I can see in black and white what I’m feeling at that moment. This release causes me to take time to breathe and focus.
It allows me to say, “Okay this is what’s going on right now, this is how I’m feeling, I’m here right now but where I really want to be is over there. How do I get there?” Even though you may not realize it at the time, it’s as though you are writing your own directions to a road map, your own road map to your course of life. This “distraction” has caused me to be at Point A but I need to be at Point B.
The journey or directions that we take to get to our Point B is also important. What you do during your journey should sustain you. Your “directions” are the actions you need to take in order to get you to where you need to be.
Do you want to go back to school?
Do you need to forgive someone for hurting you?
Do you need to put an end to a relationship?
Do you want to lose weight?
Write the steps you need to take in order to get to Point B and review them often. If it helps to write them on note cards, post-it notes, on your to-do list, etc. Just write them down and refer back them often.
Maybe you want to purchase a house and having a picture of a house that you see yourself buying is what you need to keep you on track. Find that picture and keep it on your mirror, refrigerator, wherever you will see it to remind you that this is your Point B.
Whether it is when you are feeling discouraged or if it’s a daily reminder to yourself that you are on the right track, it is a way to remind you that this is your Point B and you will be here in no time.
Goals and the steps to obtain them are your starting point, middle point, and your end point. Remember that obtaining goals takes time and that’s okay. The process you will go through to achieve your goals will be the process where you gain more wisdom, more strength and growth. Remember that goals usually don’t happen overnight but with faith, patience and a plan you will get there.
1. Put the guilt away (preferably in a bag and take it to the curb)
Our society likes to manipulate mothers by playing on our doubts and insecurities. With single moms the guilt seems to be intensified a hundred fold. When society isn’t guilting us, our kids may be guilting us and we often guilt ourselves. We need to keep our expectations of ourselves and our children realistic and if we have no means of gauging what realistic means, a good sensible book will be a huge help. I found “Healthy Parenting” by Janet Geringer Woititz a godsend but there are a number of other great books out there. If we can’t afford to go to Chapters, there’s always the local library. I’ve actually found the bulk of my really helpful books at Value Village and the Salvation Army.
2. Have a laugh
My kids are two of the funniest people I have ever met. A simple game of Crazy Eights or my Tina Turner impression can turn into a ROTFL event and we all feel so much better afterwards. Watching a comedy flick or some comedians on You Tube gives me a break from the stress and seriousness of life and gives me an endorphin shower (can never get too many of those)!
3. Pamper yourself
When it’s my “time of the month” it’s candles and bubble bath every night. If I don’t have bubble bath Epsom salt will do. I don’t consider this frivolous, I consider it necessary in order to maintain some sanity. Sometimes I pray and sometimes I let my mind drift but either way I’m not focused on the stress and I’m also doing something exclusively for me. When I constantly put others first and deny my needs I begin to lose perspective on my value and doing something for myself affirms that I am important.
4. Release the tension in a positive manner
Whether it’s exercising, venting to someone or screaming in the shower we need to release the tension we’re feeling or we’ll end up exploding and possibly harming ourselves or someone else. Much of the illness I have experienced has been a result of stress build-up inside of me and I have learned the hard way to release the tension I’m feeling before it escalates. One thing I do when I’m upset is I clean furiously because it’s physical, I have the energy to do it when I’m stressed out, and the end result is tangible and satisfying. If only the end result would last longer…
5. Keep things in their proper perspective
One of my frequent prayers is that God would help me to see things are they really are. Much of my stress is a result of my skewed perspective on situations. We are surrounded by a million messages that tell us we don’t have enough stuff and we need more, more and more. Do I really need 10 pairs of pants? 3 ski jackets? Do I really need a new loveseat when my 20-year-old loveseat is still in good shape and there’s nothing wrong with it? Whenever one of my kids went through a growth spurt, I would panic and think, “Oh no! What am I gonna do now? I have to buy a new wardrobe for him/her and I can’t afford it!” Not so…especially now that I don’t have to go out to a laundromat anymore. I can do laundry every night if I need to and hang the clothes up if I’m concerned about electricity usage. We can wear the same shirt or pants more than one time in a week. I try to stay focused on what we do have as opposed to what we don’t have. It’s helpful to find someone stable and sensible to talk with to help you keep things in their proper perspective.
These are five tried and true methods that have worked for me over the past 19 years and I hope that you try them too!
Depression and single motherhood seem to go hand in hand, am I right? I lived with depression, anxiety, and stress for a lot of years. Sometimes I still feel stress but I think that’s part of life. But when it gets to severe levels it becomes a problem and affect your quality of life.
I won’t go into all the reason why we experience depression but I have learned there are ways to get better without medicine and years of expensive therapy. I’ve used both methods to treat my symptoms but they did not give me (more…)
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Hi! Welcome to RichSingleMomma.com. I started this website almost a decade ago because I couldn't find any blogs back then that helped single moms with money. I was having some success in that area so I decided to share what I knew about side hustles, making extra money, and managing money. Read more...
