These last couple of months have been extremely challenging for me (insert my bad relationship, challenged health, and my bankruptcy story here) LIfe has been so challenging that I felt like giving up on a lot of things including this blog, my work, life as I know it; don’t worry I’m not going checkout or anything. It’s just what I was feeling at the time.
What I’m dealing with, I’m sure many of you can relate. Just yesterday, a fellow blogger talked about it on her blog and I left a comment about how I’m feeling. It has been quite valley experience filled with tears, too many doughnuts, and deep sighs. I still put on a happy face for my kids and the world but I’m living/climbing the rough side of the mountain as the song goes. I have been writing a friend about my experience, and they said I should share my experience with you and chronicle my saga. It may actually help someone else.
Falling…
Into a pit of despair. Feels like hands are reaching up to grab me. Sounds like something from a bad Halloween movie right, but it still feels like falling. Pits are dark and that is how my days have been in spite of the abundant sunshine outside. I get through because of and for my kids. I get through because of my job and the need to maintain my livelihood. I get through because I have to.
Honestly, I want you a year-long break, a sabbatical from all the things I have to do (loving my kids not included). On this break, I will move to a very warm place that has a beach, get up whenever I want, write, and play. Playing is good and I really don’t do enough of it.
Failing…
So what’s failing? Everything and nothing. My wisdom tooth certainly is. I am having oral surgery on Monday to fix it but this time up until that day is filled with Advil and Orajel. I talk about it a bit in my tweets. The pain on one side of my face has been making me cranky. When I put on the Orajel some gets on my tongue and lips so they become numb like my gum area around the bad tooth. Some of it may even go down the side of my throat and numb that too! Oy vey! Swallowing actually took some thought and effort for a minute! LOL! The Advil is a godsend because it relieves the pain for a good six hours. The combination of the two is a blessing until Monday’s surgery.
But my tooth is not the only thing failing in my life. It’s a significant relationship that I thought was getting better and was wanted mutually. But I’m in relationship limbo or purgatory. Ironically, I’ve been here before and I’ve heard all the excuses and felt the same sense of aloneness. It can be better described as a relationship hell. The difference is, now, as compared to what seems like a million times before, I am not moved by it.
It’s funny how life happens and how the things you thought would be the most painful, isn’t. I’m at a point of just wanting this thing (can’t call a relationship because people actually relate in a relationship right?) to be over. Officially over. That’s my last hurdle, where this thing is concerned. Let’s just get it over already! I’m not putting any effort or emotional energy into it anymore so I suppose that’s why I’m not a complete emotional basket case. I really cannot afford to care. Like I tell my daughter, been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and threw it away.
Freaking out…
So far I’ve talked about my health and my relationship. Now it’s time to talk about my money. After all, that’s primarily what Rich Single Momma is about right? So here’s what I’m freaking out about. I’m practically debt-free. I should be celebrating right? I suppose I should if I went through a multi-year process of scrimping, saving, denying, myself the pleasures of life and pouring all my funds into reducing the debt I had. But I didn’t do that.
After much thought and prayer, I decided my best option was to file for bankruptcy. The bulk of my debt was incurred in my marriage. My ex had horrible credit, and I was his meal ticket for the finer things in life. My good credit was the catalyst for trips and toys and entertainment for him. Everything, I mean everything was put in my name, and like a good Christian wife I allowed it, was manipulated into it, and even conned into it. I later learned, from his own mouth, that I was just one of his many victims. He set his sights on me to get what he wanted out of me.
During the separation, he decided he was not going to assume payments on a car he was driving, which was in my name, and for which I had to keep making payments. Everything was not his fault because I incurred a bit of debt myself, but the bulk of his debt was the reason I file bankruptcy. After years of mental torture and fear and stress, I saved the money for an attorney and had the papers filed in June.
Two weeks ago, my bankruptcy was discharged and now I’m a debt-free woman (except I still have student loans). So I’m freaking out because I don’t know what to do with myself without his debt load on my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong though, my student loans are substantial, but that’s just one debt I have to pay back versus over 20 different items.
When I got my discharge papers, I celebrated with a bottle of sparkling grape juice (hehe). I’m thankful for the relief provided under the law. I am one of the millions who has felt the effects of this economic downturn. I have a fresh start and it feels scary, but I will get used to it.
I am currently avoiding debt like the plague because I want is freedom to last for a long time. My failing tooth health will be over soon and so will my failing relationship. With both, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief sooner than later. My fallen emotional state will rise again because I am setting my sights on another kind of freedom. More on that coming soon. So even though things have been rough for me lately I still press on, fight on, live on, because I expect brighter days ahead.
I am not sure if what I’ve shared helps you or not, but it helps me to share and to get this out of my head and on to paper/computer screen.
Have you been through bankruptcy? How did it make you feel? Did it help or hurt your financial life?
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Hi, Samantha,
Like a lot of women, I sometimes fall into the trap of assuming that everyone else has it all figured–everyone but me. So I think your post serves as a reminder that 1) everyone struggles, 2) healing is possible, and 3) shame is a hindrance to healing. We hide our stuff for all sorts of reasons, but the shame can keep us from moving forward because we start to internalize shame’s dark message and because we don’t allow people who care about us to help us because we’re embarrassed to tell them what’s really going on in our lives. As cliched as it is, the telling the truth really does set you free AND it shames that old devil…shame.
Hi Samantha. Thanks for all the hard work you do for free. As you know I am in South Africa and so many women have the same issues no matter where you are in the world. I’m on the board of an NGO that helps single moms get back on their feet. We have benefited so much from all your hard work. Just yesterday I sent a colleague a link to No wedding No womb. So I just want to start out by saying you have no idea how far you reach. God bless you. Talking of God, I am glad that you are a Christian woman. This year Psalm 37 has meant so much to me. I pass it on to you and hope you get the same strength that I have drawn from it. I know what it is like to have a dry well. In fact when I opened my email now I was telling the Lord just that – my well is dry and all I want to do is cry. Your story reminded me of Psalm 37. In the last year or two I feel like every crutch I have ever had in my life is being removed one by one (sometimes 2 by 2). I was just telling a friend I could do with a trip home to my parents round about now. But after reading your post I am so much calmer and smiling. I know all the feelings you are talking about and the frustrations of nothing seeming to fall in place. Good on you if you choose to share this post. It is hard to be this exposed. But if you don’t then it is understandable too. I think after a few days you will know whether to make it public or not. I have alot of admiration for all the time, effort and thought you put into this site. Be blessed.
@Jolly Thank you soooo much for your comment and words of encouragement. It’s been tough but I’m seeing the light. I don’t walk around in a downcast state but mostly deal with inner darkness and turmoil. I’ll re-read Psalms 37 and glean some strength from that passage.
One of the songs I sing often is Fill My Cup Lord. I get that empty feeling often when I’m giving and giving but receiving very little in return. It goes against my nature to be completely self-absorbed but I am learning to set up better boundaries.
Thank you for telling me how my site is helping in your part of the world, too. That is such an encouragement for me. I often wonder if and how others are being impacted, so your sharing the benefits to your community is a blessing. Keep sharing and letting me know the impact my writing and resources has on the people you serve when you get a chance.
It’s all about encouraging each other through the journey.
@Deesha You are so right and I really appreciate your comment and encouragement. Coming clean about the last few months of my life was difficult but necessary. Knowing I’m not alone and you are not alone make the journey bearable when the hard times come. That shame thing is a beast! I hate it and am glad I’m able to use this forum to send it packing :-). I think what I’m learning the most is that life ebbs and flows and it’s okay to take breaks to re-group. Most times my best work comes from my silence and even the darkness.
I voted no. Why? Because I think you should write a book. One post is wonderful, but what you have been through and continue to go through is important in its entirety.
Yes, there are many books out there. That is because there are many stories and many different people who need to hear it. I think yours should be out there as well.
One post is nice, but I would like to read the whole story. Just my two cents. 🙂
@Judith Thanks for reading and for the vote of confidence. Ironically, I’ve been thinking about doing that very thing. I have several journals I could draw from that documents my adult life. So a memoir would be pretty cool. Thanks for believing a book is a viable option.
Good Morning, Samantha!
Lady, first I want to say that you are very brave for sharing your story. Take hope in the fact that you are not the first woman to experience these things and you won’t be the last, so the work that you do is very needed and VERY appreciated. We need to hear that from time to time, as it helps to give us “hope”…
….and I agree with Judith about writing a book about your experiences. I voted ‘No’ for placing it online, only because I think you should share some, but not all of your experience…offer a teaser series that leads up to the offering of your book. Here’s why: while people love and can relate to the “free” story that we give them, most people truly benefit from the extra effort they make to acquire what will help them. People tend to appreciate more, what they had to work for or give something for because they won’t give up something unless they really want what you have to offer.
With that said, I’d like to offer you “in” on a series that myself and other Christian women are doing online right now. We just finished the sixth week of our activities, but you have the benefit of everything being online…and of course I can help you with the materials since we are so late into the offerings. We are taking an indepth study of the Fruits of the Spirit, studying out of a book entitled Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit by Beth Moore. You can find us and the study online at http://www.womensbiblecafe.com/category/living-beyond/. You can see each offering by week.
Finally, I know what it is to struggle in various areas. Don’t ever forget that you can always bend my ear, if you ever need to…and I’m always available for prayer! 🙂
@Savonni Thank you for your encouragement and viewpoint about my story. Like Deesha said, sometimes we feel like we are going through different hardships alone. But sharing and bring things to the light reveals so many more people who are experiencing the same things. I’m glad the work I do is having an impact.
So it seems I’m getting more votes to write a book than a Yes or No vote. That’s pretty cool. I am going to dig out my journals and get things organized. I’ll plan to begin writing in the new year.
Thank you for the invitation to join your group online. That’s a wonderful study. Thank you too for offering your ear and your prayers. I’m sure I’ll take you up on both.
I am so blessed to have ladies like you all cheering me on, encouraging, and motivating me to keep moving forward. Blessed indeed!
Thank you for sharing. I, too, agree with Judith and think you should write a book. Your experiences are a lot like mine and I’m sure others. Even though we don’t see it at the time, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Your story just may be the encouragement for someone to keep pressing toward their mark. Sharing is part of our healing.
Sharing your journey is a powerful, motivational story that, I think, many women would benefit from hearing. Whether is is through a blog post or a book, the overriding point for me is that women can learn, grow and heal from each other. It is so hard for many women to share personal thoughts and feelings — we get caught up in the picture perfect lifestyles that folks post on facebook or portray at the local PTA. I sometimes forget that there are real people behind those public images and I feel like something is wrong with me because I am not pulled together like they are. Hearing the “real” story of your journey — the ups and the downs — reminds me that we are all human, we all have our individual struggles and through kindness, openness and support, we can all improve our journeys.
Thanks, Samantha, for sharing your story.