Today is Valentine’s Day. The day of love, flowers, pink and red decorations, and couples. If you are truly a single mom you are not a part of a couple but are probably alone. You may be happy as a lark or miserable as a fish out of water. I don’t have any tips this year about how to get through the day but I do have something to say about what usually happens on Valentine’s night. Sex. Yep, sex. And it’s not going to be a comfortable topic. But I hope by the end of this conversation you have a better understanding about this day, your heart, and the way you will walk in the future.
The following are 6 counter-intuitive (yet practical) guidelines to get clear and get on with your life happily and whole.
Recently a single mom told me she was saved and joined a denomination a few months ago. Her dilemma is that she battles the desire to have sex but this religion frowns on sex outside of marriage. I felt compelled to answer the question because I’ve faced the same issues and all the confusion, shame, and frustration around it. Here is how I answered her:
The Battle Against Sex
This issue/challenge is one that many people, not just single moms face. I think the issue you face is not so much the sex part but the “Battle” part. Anything you resist will persist. It will stay at the front of your mind. In this case it is sex. I’m familiar with your church and know that they likely put a lot of emphasis on this subject. I am going to go against the grain and tell you to surrender to the idea of sex. It is a natural part of life. It is better in a healthy relationship and it is good because God made it. Accept this and you will find it easier to manage.
Winning Through Surrender to Sex
I dare say that you should give yourself permission to have sex. What I mean is you tell yourself that you can have sex but you choose not to because you want to be in a healthy relationship. You have become powerful over the temptation because you know you can do it if you want to but you want something better. When you feel powerful you don’t have to resist, then it doesn’t fill your thoughts, and you can go on with your life.
Getting Real About What You Really Want
When you feel the urge you just think about what you really want. Is it the physical act or is it intimacy and closeness with a person? Is it that you want to feel validated by a man or is it you want to share tender moments with someone who loves and cares about you just as much as you love and care about them?
How Religion Ruins God’s Gift
Many religions say it’s wrong to have sex outside of marriage but they don’t explain why. It’s not so much wrong as it is unhealthy and will cause other problems. Women bond though sex and when that bond is broken the emotional hell begins. We do crazy things, we act out, we hurt ourselves and others. God designed it for marriage to keep women safe because he knows our hearts because he made us.
Reclaiming the Gift and Finding the Truth
You are powerful. God made you this way and you have the power to decide if sex right now is good for you. You have to think about the kind of future you want. You have to look inside your heart and examine the purpose and pain behind wanting to have sex.
I encourage you to choose love. Choose to love yourself enough to wait for the right man and a healthy relationship. Choose to trust your heart. Give yourself permission to do whatever you want, then choose to wait because it is what is best for your heart.
The Thing That’s 10x’s Better Than Sex
Religion has it’s place but the relationship with God is 10 times better. He only wants your good and will not force you to do anything or make you feel guilty if you make a mistake. He restores you and fills you with His love, mercy, and grace. Believe that, walk in it, and you will be okay.
I hope this helps. I speak from experience because I was where you are. I struggled with it too, but I released it through giving myself permission and accepting my power. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
If you are not sure about how to go forward in life I think I can help. If you are tired of getting involved with guys who mistreat you, disrespect you, or don’t seem to have a chivalrous bone in their bodies, it’s time to change things in your life. It’s time to learn how to attract men who are available to give you the time, attention, affection, and generosity you deserve. I outline the steps to better romantic relationships in my book, No More Crumbs: How to Stop Dating and Mating for Crumbs and Get the Cake You Deserve in 10 Crucial Steps. Order your copy today on Amazon.com and become a relationship genius in 30 days!
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
