Updated 10/11/2018
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and this is the story of how I was able to escape domestic violence.
It’s a time to take a good long look at this problem in our world. Despite all we’ve learned about this problem it still persists in thousands of households each year. People who are not in that situation can’t understand why a woman would stay so long and almost lose her life. Why would she subject her children to such a life of violence?
No Escape?
What those same people don’t realize is a woman in this situation probably feels helpless to leave. She may be a stay at home mom who is isolated from family and friends because of her husband’s (or boyfriend’s) threats and manipulations. She probably doesn’t have the financial resources to leave because she is dependent on him for survival.
My Experience
From firsthand experience, I can tell you being in a situation like this sucks the life out of you. Domestic violence is not necessarily a sudden thing. It creeps in your life little by little and women with very blurry boundary lines are easily victimized. It starts out with verbal put-downs and criticisms. Then it escalates into yelling and screaming to shock the senses and terrorize. The next step is shoving or slapping, which escalates into punching and beating. All the while you are being manipulated into giving up your friends and stop hanging around your family.
If a baby comes you are likely to remain at home and interrogated if you leave the house. You are dependent on the provision of your partner. This is one of the most insidious forms of abuse; being a financial hostage. You have very little or no access to money and every penny you get is taken away.
Holding on to My Identity
My situation was not this bad but it could have gotten to this point very easily. Things never progressed to the shoving, slapping or into being beat. I came to my senses before it escalated to that point. I did, however, experience the verbal and psychological abuse. Money could have easily become an issue but I refused to give up my financial identity. Toward the end, my bank account was almost wiped out, but I had another account that I could transfer my money into. I recognized the downward spiral I was in and determined to regain control of my life.
Going through this was very terrifying and heartbreaking. I was angry, scared and confused, but I had to keep my head on straight. My children depended on me to get us through this nightmare. Fortunately, I had resources before I got involved with this person so I could escape much easier than a woman who has been in bondage for years.
Financial Savvy is Key
When a woman begins seeking a way out all the literature she reads and the people she talks to tells her to stash away money. That is the only way for her to escape a situation like domestic violence. Without money, she is stuck indefinitely.
Financial independence is very liberating so it is important to cultivate a financial mindset. It is never too late to learn all you can about earning, saving, and budgeting. Giving up your financial identity is never a good idea in a relationship, but being empowered with financial knowledge is essential. Cultivate your financial savvy and never give up your personal identity for anyone.
I Found My Power
My situation turned out much better than millions of other women. I already had a very strong sense of who I was (I had only temporarily lost my way) and could tap into my strength. I knew how to get out and get help and I was angry enough (versus too scared) to do something about my situation. I was driven by a sense of fairness and protection for my children. I wasn’t dealing with a crazy man, just a coward who I escaped rather easily when I threatened to expose him to our church. Sometimes that’s all it takes, but other times it’s more difficult.
Educate, Empower, Think
Domestic violence will not go away overnight. Young girls must be taught they are worthy of love and respect. They must be taught not to fall for the first guy that says, “I love you”. They must be empowered through education, critical thinking skills, and financial savvy.
Make it your business to empower yourself and every young lady you know. Learn to make good decisions in every area of your life. Develop a strong sense of who you are and never let anyone label you or tell you who you are. Ask a million questions of potential suitors and trust your instincts.
If you are in a domestic violence situation get help ASAP by calling a domestic violence hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to provide services in more than 170 languages. Hotline advocates answer questions, provide safety planning and information as well as directly connect callers to domestic violence resources available in their local calling area. All calls to the hotline are confidential and anonymous.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
I have goosebumps after reading this post Samantha. I’ve been there too and got out after having my daughter. This happened to me a long time ago when Domestic Violence was something you didn’t talk about even with your family. I left with nothing.
Your advice about being financially independent is important for any woman at any stage in her life. Reality can hit at any time be it DV, an accident, or death. You can chose to live single as well!
I taught my older daughter about money early on and am doing the same with my youngest. Let’s empower each other! Thanks for doing this on your blog.
Connie you are so welcome! Thanks for sharing your experience too! I can’t be silent about my experience because I know it will help others. You had very little choice but I applaud your decision to leave, even when it meant leaving everything behind. I am a firm believer in starting over as many times as necessary to live the life God designed for you.
You are so right about financial independence being for every stage of life. You never know when disaster will strike.
Good job for teaching your daughters. I am doing the same with mine too. I strive to be the voice of empowerment to all women because it is the only way to truly be free and happy—married or single :-).
Thank you for sharing your experiences! I too have suffered in a previous marriage with a verbally abusive husband. But because, I unfortunately suffered at the hands of very abusive parents, it took me awhile to figure out the criticism, fighting, and manipulation were not signs of love. All that you described above happened to me as a child. I was manipulated with money when I didn’t have a chance to even earn any. I had to agree to their views of me in order to survive.
I can say right now, NO ONE EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO TAKE YOUR SENSE OF SELF AWAY! Even if it is your parents. I was never taught to manage money, I believe it was a way to keep me under their control. Money was their expression of love (control).
I won’t ever let my daughter suffer at the hands of anyone who wants to control her or abuse her (I FEEL FOR THE MAN THAT TRIES TO MESS WITH MY FAMILY!) I haven’t survived this type of life by being weak.
The one thing I have learned in life is that at the end of the day, you only have yourself to answer to. Be true to who you are and love yourself. What better example to set for our children. Financially empowered is an area I need to improve, but it will never hold me back. I supported myself after my ex and I divorced with hard work, pure grit and determination. You really find out what you are made of when you go through this type of situation.
I support this cause wholeheartedly and hope women find their voice. If not for themselves, for their children. Don’t let them live in this type of environment. It has taken me years to find myself and some don’t ever break free. It is no way to live.
Hi Samantha,
What a powerful and much needed post, your words took me back many years to a very unhappy period in my life. I did not have the courage to leave an unhealthy marriage for myself, but I found the courage to leave for my children. I also taught my daughters to be financially independent. Thank you again for the post and much love and strength to all my sisters of the rainbow. Financial Empowerment is the key to Freedom.
One of my favorite songs by Helen Reddy
“I Am Woman”
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an’ pretend
’cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
“No one’s ever gonna keep me down again”
Oh yes I am wise
“But it’s wisdom born of pain”…
If I have to, I can do anything…
Hi again Samantha,
Would you mind if I add your post to my blog and forward it with a link to your site? I would love for my followers/vistors to read your post.
lucybaldwin27@yahoo.com
Thanks
Lucille Tyler Baldwin
Lucille,
You are welcome to add this post to your blog. Thank you for asking and being willing to share it with your readers.
@Shannon Thanks so much for your comment. So many women can relate to my post and have been strong enough to come out of abusive situations. The courage to leave is a sign of the strength all women have. In this life we all can make choices that will either advance our lives or keep it stuck in endless cycles of pain. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with the other readers.
@Lucille Good for you for finding the strength, if not for yourself then for your children. Keep teaching them what it means to be a strong woman. They don’t have to carry to world but they must carry themselves in a world that can so easily beat them down. Kudos to you!
Hi Samantha, I have a question. I know this is a site for single moms but from this article it could easily sound like there is no room for housewives anymore. How would you suggest women in families who have decided to have a stay at home parent negotiate finances?
This post was inspiring. I’m actually experiencing a similar situation now, the only difference is that I don’t have the resources to support myself or my son. I’ve been out of work since January and trying to focus on getting my business started. I find myself putting up with alot (Things that I normally wouldn’t deal with since I had my baby)
Samantha, after exhaustively researching an article I’m writing for a domestic violence newsletter, I stumbled upon your post. Do you mind if I quote some of your advice. I will, of course, give you and your blog credit. Thank you!