A reader had a question about how to deal with her single mom dating frustrations. She wanted to know how to find a great guy who is not needy and expecting her to do all the emotional and financial work.
She also wanted to know how to find a man who is strong, professional, and not looking for a needy woman (which she is the complete opposite of). She’s tried online dating but that doesn’t work and she wants a different kind of man but keeps attracting the same kind as the one she dumped.
This lady has several things going on in her head and her emotions are very high. I can understand her dilemma and hopefully I can offer some insight to at least give her hope and peace.
I want to start with this caveat. Everybody is looking for love and looking for relief from the loneliness they feel. It is universal and deeply heartfelt. As humans we can’t get around this because we are all born with a hole in our soul that yearns to be filled with love.
First – Decide What You Want Out of Life and Single Mom Dating
Having said that, I want to encourage this woman to take a deep breath and really think about what she wants. She might use the time after her child is asleep to list all the good things she wants out of life. She will benefit from imagining her desires by closing her eyes and seeing those good things happening to her. This visualization is key to getting what you want out of life.
If she wants a strong, professional man she should imagine herself with that kind of man. Sometimes we focus so much on what we don’t want we end up attracting those things into our lives, over and over again. She mentioned that she keeps running into and attracting the same kind of man.
Second – Be the Kind of Person You Want to Attract
The next step is to look into her own life and heart and see if she is the kind of person she wants to attract. We are like mirrors and magnets. We see in others what we see in ourselves and we attract to ourselves, just like a magnet, the kind of people we really are on the inside.
Despite her saying she didn’t want a needy man, she is portraying neediness in desperately wanting to date, find a good man, and hold on to her strong, professional mask. Yes I said mask, because this is what she is hiding behind.
Remember I said that every person longs for love and has a space in their soul that needs to be filled? Often we hide behind one or several layers of masks to avoid being hurt or because we want to appear a certain way. This mask protects us, we think; but in reality it imprisons us and keeps us from the very thing we want. Love.
Looking deep within and seeing her character and personality is much more important than feeling strong and wearing the “I’m a professional” badge. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you cannot connect to others on an intimate level.
Forth – Look Deeper Into Your True Needs
I’ve gone a bit deep, I know, but the issues are deeper than they look on the surface. This woman thinks she wants a man who is different from what she’s dated, but what she probably really wants is deep connections with others, period.
She cannot attract the kind of man she wants until she is content with who she is as a person and gives up the search. She is not ready to receive the gift of a great relationship because she hasn’t accepted the gift of her own beautiful soul.
Fifth – Start Living Life and Open Your Heart
What if she looked around and started befriending people who need her love and support.
What if she took her daughter to volunteer once a month at her favorite charity?
What if she signed up for a sports league in her neighborhood?
What if she offered her professional services to the local networking group?
In each one of these scenarios she could meet the man of her dreams. When she is open and receptive because she is opening her heart to causes, the right man will come into her life.
Sixth – Focus on What You Want (Not What You Don’t Want)
As a whole, single moms are probably worn out because they have to do it all. I know I am, but I’m learning to take care of myself and giving myself a break. I am focusing on what I want and not on what I don’t want; and guess what? I am getting more of what I want out of life.
This ability to focus does not happen overnight. We do not wake up one day and discover our lives have done a complete 180 degree turn. We usually begin to notice our frustrations and pain in life then begin to seek answers. In our search we may find the problem we thought we had is very different than the one we actually have.
The good news is we are very flexible and have the ability to change and reinvent our lives bit by bit each day.
So the woman who is frustrated about the lack of date-able men and wants to find the perfect man may soon find her problems could disappear if she will only look a little deeper and refocus her problems.
Opening her heart to new opportunities in the areas of giving loving support, volunteering once a month, playing in the neighborhood sports league, or networking to share her professional skills will open the door to quality, date-able men.
Are you still reeling or healing from a toxic relationship? My book, No More Crumbs, can help you build up your resistance to future bad relationships. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. To do that you have to be healthy and know how to spot unhealthy men who will take you down a screaming roller coaster ride of terror. Pick up a copy of the book and begin healing your life.
Single Mom Dating Frustrations: 6 Steps to Getting Your Heart and Mind Ready for Love
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
