As a single mom, my biggest dilemma has always been determining how to keep my children happy. I do want to give them the best the world can offer. But doing it alone can be a tall order. Much has been said about single parenthood, but one will never know the difficulty unless the person finds herself in exactly that position. The most difficult thing is trying to be both the mother and father at the same time.
I have always carried the burden of compensating for my children’s loss of a father. I know the typical role of a father is to provide for their needs and at the same time instill the right discipline to make them responsible adults in the future. I try to keep that at the back of my mind everytime I have to deal with my children. Still, I am aware of my limitations as woman and sometimes doubt that I can do a task that is known to be innate in men.
Providing for their basic needs is actually easy. A little hard work and good budgeting goes a long way. While I can easily give them 3 meals a day and an education, it is still a fact that children need more than just basic. It’s those designer jeans or that nice cellphone that can give that extra boost of self-esteem and exhilaration every child needs. And I do love those tight hugs and endless kisses when I give them something they really want. Then again, I realize that I can’t always give them everything they want. Times are hard and I have to teach them the value of money.
How do you teach your children to be considerate and understand when you can’t buy them something they want? It is very difficult, but it means saying no whenever necessary. Some single parents have difficulty saying no because of vain attempts to compensate for the other parent not being around. But we have to learn that material things can never compensate for the loss of a father. Not having a father is something your children should accept and understand.
It is ok to say no. What is essential is that you build the lines of communication well between you and your children. Do not always treat them like they are infants. I talk to my children and always make them aware of our situation. When we have extra funds, they know. When there is not enough, they also know. I allow them to partly share in the burden of budgeting our expenses. One time, I was deeply touched when my eldest son voluntarily waived his birthday gift at a later time when we had extra expenses I couldn’t handle easily. I realized I was doing a good job after all.
What many parents fail to recognize is that children have the capacity to understand serious matters when necessary. Remember that they understand better with soft words and sincere explanations. Do not lie to them because they know. Single parenthood doesn’t mean you are alone. Never forget that you have your children to share your life with.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Very true. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for at times. I raise my daughter with open communication. If she has a question then I answer it straight up, in a way that she can understand. I think when it comes to our kids honesty really is the best policy… a lie will do more harm than the truth ever will.
I can understand your story of compensation. I know people who do thinking its what’s best. I can’t remember a time that I have though. I stopped worrying about “his” absence when my daughter was still too young to understand the dynamics so she knows and accepts that our household consists of just us and that she has a family who loves her and who reside in different areas. I only hold myself to my own standards, not to the standards of both myself and the absent parent.
Great post.
Thanks for commenting Ms. Bar B. It’s a fine line sometimes when communicating about what is happening in the home. Like you, I no longer feel the need to compensate for his absence. I am enough, though I do encourage a relationship and try to answer questions about his absence with tact. It is working out so I’m thankful for that and they are healthy and happy which makes it all worth it.
thank you so much for this post!
very touching story about your son, and while my daughter isn’t yet at an age where she understands much (only sixteen months), i definitely plan on taking your advice and educating her on the family budget as she grows old enough to grasp the concept of money. you are doing a great thing for your kids, especially at a time when we are starting to realize how uneducated we are about money as a society.
Wow, this is such a touching story. I will definitely teach my son to understand the importance of money. Yhank you so much for this post , it helped me alot.
Amy – I’m glad the post was helpful to you. Teaching our children the importance of money is so important as a single mom.
Theresa – Thank you for commenting. I know you will be successful in your plans to educate your family.
My mom made me read this. this is really touching. I now realize how my mom works so hard. I promise i will bond with my mom more. Thank you for this post.
I really like this article! As you said, saying no to your children teaches them to be considerate, rather than teaching them that they will always get whatever they want. But it also teaches more than that. When you set the example by saying no, it teaches them that they are allowed to say no. If you always say yes, you won’t be able to continue to take care of yourself, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your children.
Love this blog, keep up the good work!