“I want a divorce”-whether you say it or they say it—the movement it makes in your life is stronger than any earthquake. Then the real earthquake happens-the first weekend of visitation. As a stay at home special needs mom, this was the hardest nights I have had to experience in my entire life. I felt like one half of myself was torn away.
I remember when my baby was born, the NICU nurses were mad at me for not laying in bed but taking him to every feeding and delaying returning to my room. I couldn’t walk away, even though I was right down the hall. Now I had to spend an entire weekend away from him. Nevertheless, there is a way to get through it.
Let it out!
Cry-hard and deep and strong. Hold his toys and let yourself collapse in his bed. Whatever it takes. My grandmother used to say “A good cry is the best medicine to move on.” Don’t feel like a sucker or anything. You are going through what will be the hardest beginning of a chapter ever. You are going to need to let emotions out to move forward. Go through tissues, all your hot water whatever you need to do. Just let it out-
Clean Up The House
Let’s face it-during the first few weeks of a breakup you and your house look like it’s ready to be demolished. Put on some energizing music-NO SAD SONGS ALLOWED. Take one room at a time alongside a garbage bag. Note: This is not a time to go through the husband’s leftovers or the keepsake box, it’s time to make this house the home it should be. Laundry in the basket, tissues in the garbage. Believe it or not it will make you feel better. A literally clean slate, starting with your home and moving forward when you are ready.
List Your Single Girl Loves
Take yourself back to a moment where you weren’t “Mommy” or “Honey”. What did you love to do? What made you feel alive? What did you enjoy when the world went to bed but you were too awake? I ask because there now are going to be days where you can be her again a bit. For me it was writing and fashion design. I bought a book where you “finish” a story and started watching Project Runway again doing the challenges. I did it of course around my usual to do list but it was a way to keep the kid free spaces full.
Find a Self Care Item You Can Afford Every Visitation
This can be anything that will not break your budget. I am not asking you to go to Elizabeth Arden or a Manhattan Spa that costs as much as your rent, but something that makes you feel good about yourself. For me its home facials. I feel so much better after them-confident, happy and me. It doesn’t hurt to have that feeling when the ex comes by with the little ones. Bottom line: Something to bring you back to you..cause now that’s all the little ones can count on-especially when you are the majority custody parent.
In the end, you need to get it all out and get it all ready. Prepare for the new chapter by making the main character as strong and ready and independent as possible. Budgeting and readying for the technics can wait till the next visitation-right now you are the priority to prepare. Now get started on this new world of and for you.
Heather is a politico turned special needs single mom who just started journaling her path for other single mom’s. She lives in nyc with the greatest kid ever.
Imagine this: A regular tool belt wrapped around a single special needs mom. In this belt there will not be the usual tools of such a belt but the tools necessary to make life simple, safe and positive for the wearer and her children. One of these tools is technology. As a single mom, technology is our greatest friend. Timers, iPads, iPhones etc. Both for our usage and for the usage of our children. Especially single needs moms. Whether to educate our children or even ourselves, not to mention help us out in our new lives, it works and it helps.
Just before the summer, I added a new title to my forte- Single Special Needs Mom. It has been a trying experience already but I am stronger for it. With this column I hope to strengthen other single needs single moms because let us face it, married or single, most special needs mom at one time or another or 24/7 feel single. So let’s get down to what we should have at the ready.
Today, we are going to look at the iPhone-particularly apps. “There’s an app for that,” will be a quote you will use quite a bit during your new life and with that you should take a sigh of relief. These are the following apps that I downloaded almost immediately:
Let’s be honest. Alimony and Child Support is not immediate, nor a viable option to finance your life. Your husband could lose their job, quit their job, disappear, go to jail the list is endless. There’s a reason “single” is in our new name. We are singly responsible for our lives and the lives of our children. MINT therefore needs to be our newest partner.
MINT allows you to see on one screen all of your financial agendas. Money in, money out and money left. They track your spending and send you alerts on how much you have spent, earned and transaction alerts and gives you a weekly summary that will allow you to figure out your budget. They also give you small and large transaction alerts they hadn’t seen yet from you.
I use this to budget and I even go on the app to ask the “Can I afford this?” question wherever I am. It helps keep the financial sweat off. A great ally for your new fiscal future—which if you haven’t figured out is now in your hands only.
It sounds rinky-dinky but honestly it is a great app. This app allows you to have a tracker for amazing discounts or free items and coupons. If you have an iPhone allow it to alert you. Trust me you will see the payback in stride. I have gotten groceries, stuff for my son, and even self care items for me for amazing discounts. You have to take a few extra steps at times but thanks to COVID things like in-store pickup and delivery is available.
Imagine this: You walk into a Starbucks and get your child or children a treat. Walking out, you not only have said treat and a receipt but also a little stock in the company. Sound amazing? Then download this app. Every time you use your card from this company, you walk out with stock in the company. This not only gives you some financial assistance, it is an asset for the future. A few tips: Go on the app to pick what type of stocks you want them to buy for you and know this isn’t going to make you rich on its own but it will help you have some financial backbone.
I decided to keep this item open because frankly marriage is different, and every divorce is different not to mention the needs of the divorcing couple. For instance, I do not need a calendar for mine because my son’s schedule is majorly my responsibility and the visitation consistent, communication however is a need of mine. Therefore, texting and emailing is enough for me. However, 50/50 parents and parents that have a more fluid custody agreement may need more. Nonetheless, while the mom factor of you should get apps, so should the co-parent.
EVERY SHOPPING-RELATED COMPANY YOU ARE SUBSCRIBED TO
Shipt, Stop and Shop, Amazon etc. Apps for the shopping provider you use needs to be a click away. This is an app you need in your phone. Think of it as an app for outsourcing the crazy shopping trips you know you dread. Not only will they save you sanity but the greatest thing about these apps is they remember the previous shopping trips and that delivery is at the ready. I have all of the ones in a folder at the ready for me, including Thrive Market which I would greatly suggest especially for special needs moms. Think of it as Amazon for healthy foods.
When you think of these apps, use the tool belt visual. It will help you both pick and choose as well as use the apps for the best of your life. This is a tip of the iceberg but I think it’s offerings will give you the perspectives of what needs you have as a special needs single mom: Financial, Personal, Convenience, and Communication. If neither of these fits, I urge you to search related apps because while it’s not the best tool for you…it could be the start of your relationship with the most lucrative one for you.
Heather is a politico turned special needs single mom who just started journaling her path for other single mom’s. She lives in nyc with the greatest kid ever.
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