As single moms or even just as a parent we sometimes forget the dreams we had as girls. Life has gotten in the way and our days are filled with diapers, making lunches, helping with homework, and trying to balance the budget. If you have daughters you have extra concerns as she grows into a young lady. Puberty, periods, and processing what it means to be (or not be) part of the “in” crowd.
What Being a Girl is Go-getters, Innovators, Risk-takers, and Leaders
For my daughter, I wanted her to be a go-getter, innovator, risk-taker, and leader. I am all these things so I wanted her to be those things as well. I made sure she was involved in activities that matched her interests including acting classes, modeling classes, flight school, and a social media apprenticeship. These activities along with her school extra-curricular activities helped her get into an Ivy-league university, become a student advisor, co-found a magazine, and serve on boards. She truly embodies the vision of the Girl Scouts’ G.I.R.L. (Go-getter, Innovator, Risk-taker, and Leader) initiative.
I bring Girl Scouts up because I recently became aware of that acronym. Even though my daughter wasn’t a Girl Scout I believe it could have rounded out her girlhood experience. I’m thinking about all those badges she could have gotten from all the activities she was in and the skills she learned.
Helping Girls Reach Their Goals
A couple of years ago I went to an Atlanta Area Girl Scout event where I was a guest speaker. I got to see the organization up close and personal. I was there for the Camp Leadership career preparation session where I showed the girls how to create a LinkedIn profile.
I was impressed the Girl Scouts of Atlanta had the foresight to begin preparing their scouts for career life.
Being a Girl is More than Looks or Relationship Status
Being a girl is not just about looking pretty and being in a relationship, marriage and babies. It is growing into a woman with options to be whatever they want to be.
For all the things a girl can learn in the Girl Scouts, one of the most valuable things to learn is how to think critically and make decisions.
Being a Girl and Completing What You Start
Going through the LinkedIn profile building exercise helped the girls learn how to think about their future, their accomplishments, and the value of networking.
By the time the session was complete, most of the young ladies had their profile setup. It would take a few more weeks or months to complete it because they were just getting started. The average adult with a profile has only 50% of their profile complete. I am confident these girls will have their profiles completed by the time they finish high school and certainly before they finish college.
The Value of Being a Part of an Organization Like Girl Scouts
For younger girls still in elementary and middle school, the Girl Scouts continues to build their entrepreneurial skills with the annual Girl Scout Cookie campaign. They learn marketing, location scouting, accounting, and customer service.
As a parent who wants to make sure her daughter has the best advantage in life I encourage you to consider Girl Scouts. The friendships, the skills, and the entire experience will make all the difference in their lives.
If you live in the Atlanta area, the Greater Atlanta Girl Scouts’ enrollment campaign is open now. JoinGirlScoutsATL.com. When she’s a Girl Scout, she’s also a G.I.R.L.: Go-getter, Innovator, Risk-taker, Leader.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
It’s over. The divorce process is complete; the papers have been signed.
The relationship you once had much expectation of, has been officially dissolved.
So, what next?
Every relationship has a story. Whether married for a year or decades, have children or not. Maybe the divorce was your idea or your partner’s, agreed amicably or blindsided leaving you heartbroken, the fact remains that the change taking place is inevitable.
But regardless of how you got there, divorce can bring incredible pain, devastation, and emptiness. You have lost a significant part of yourself.
But now, the central question is, how do you reinvent yourself?
How do you rebuild your life and start heading towards a happier place? By reinventing yourself.
Here are our tips to start small and build-up a new full life.
1.Mourn your marriage
To thrive and move on, you need to first grieve your terminated marriage.
Whether the divorce was through a joint decision or a surprise, it’s vital to acknowledge your feelings and grieve. It’s perfectly normal to feel devastated.
Allow yourself to binge-watch the romantic comedies, cry, scream, laugh, and look at your old photo albums if needed, but grieve the loss. Vent to your friends and journal down your feelings. Regardless of the way you do it, don’t feel ashamed of releasing your emotions. Everyone grieves differently, do it your style.
Don’t skip the mourning phase but don’t allow yourself to remain there forever..
2.Let go of your bitterness and embrace forgiveness
Divorce can cause bitterness and every person carries the baggage of their previous marriage to their new life. This includes the wounds caused by actions and words exchanged throughout the marriage and divorce process.
It is easy to hold onto resentment and anger. However, embracing forgiveness and letting go of your bitterness and other negative thoughts will lead to;
Improved mental health
Healthier relationships
Improved heart health
Improved self-esteem
Less stress and hostility and;
Better co-parenting with your ex.
Besides, forgiveness helps a person understand their feelings, ushering in the healing process, and embracing the new life.
To start working on forgiveness, start by figuring out your feelings by joining support groups, seeking support from family and friends, focusing on healthy activities like exercising, going for therapy, and starting a meditation or spiritual practice.
Additionally, for any post-divorce legal issues like modifying child custody, child support and alimony payments, let the legal experts, like the New Jersey divorce attorneys, handle them. This prevents any confrontation that can block or set back your forgiveness journey.
3.Readjust your mentality from ‘married’ to ‘single’
When married or in a relationship, you become identified with titles like partner/husband/wife. However, once your relationship ends, letting go of the identity can be difficult unless you readjust your mentality and embrace your ‘single’ title.
Start small by finding a new routine, different from your previous one, and stick to it. Habits give the mind a needed structure to adjust to your new life.
Schedule mandatory responsibilities like household and work obligations while leaving room for new ventures, exploration, and experiences. Learn new roles since you have a new hat to wear now, like handling your yard work, housekeeping, finances, and cooking responsibilities on your own.
However, take it slow, you can’t master everything in a day. Be patient with yourself.
Lastly, don’t forget to include healthy activities in your new routine that allows you to heal and connect with others. Try mediation, workout regimen, joining a club, or visiting new places.
Don’t be afraid to let the new routine and experiences to shape you. You might surprise yourself.
4.Take care of your inner and outer self
Divorce can create turmoil between your inner and outer self, affecting your physical, mental, and spiritual health.
For your outer self, you start by;
Changing your look
Changing your look helps you feel and look different. Maybe a new hairstyle or adopt a new dressing style. Whatever your choice, making subtle changes helps in boosting self-confidence and motivates a fresh start. Embrace regular exercise to improve your overall body condition.
Eating healthily
Eating nutritious food gives you beautiful skin and boosts your self-esteem. To achieve this, eat food rich in vitamins, collagen, and antioxidants or opt for supplements. And don’t forget to drink water to stay hydrated and detoxify your body.
Sleeping well
Enough sleep helps to regenerate and re energize your body cells, giving you a healthy and fresh look, thus boosting your outer self.
Doing yoga, meditation or other mindfulness practices
A few minutes of yoga or meditation helps clarify and refresh your mind, giving you a positive outlook which is essential to rebuilding your life.
Keeping a journal
Writing acts as a therapeutic option in keeping your inner being calm and balanced. Calm your mind by writing down your worries, gratitude, and anything occupying your mind.
Spiritual practice
Good spiritual health goes a long way when you are reinventing yourself after a separation. Prayers help in mind-soul connection, releasing anxiety and fear while fostering emotional and mental control, calm, and support.
A healthy and active inner and outer self allows you to leave your comfort zone, learn to trust and listen to yourself as you discover your individualism.
5.Dream again
After a divorce, our primary focus is survival. But, we can take a little energy to shift gears and dream again.
Carve out from your cocoon and ask yourself questions like, what’s my value? What gives me joy? What are my goals? What do I want to achieve in my next phase?
Journal down everything and freely, do soul searching, and remind yourself that there is hope.
Start with specifics. It could be anything from your body, career, friendships, finances, health, love life, spirituality, children, community, and anything else important to you..
Remember: no goal and dream are too small or big to realize but you got to get started.
Don’t forget to celebrate even the smallest achievement. It’s a motivational therapy.
Bottom Line
Like your fingerprint, your divorce is unique to you. Therefore, the ways of reinventing yourself should be personal and tailored to fit your new path, interests and dreams.
Regardless of the divorce tsunami debris left on your path, learn to clear it, and with positive energy and attitude, go on to your happy life ahead.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
As a parent, one of the most important decisions you can make for your child is which daycare, if any, to send them to.
Selecting the right facility is so crucial for the safety and growth of young kids. But how do you know which one is right for your child and in line with the values of your family? Should the current climate of the globe have an impact on whether or not you choose daycare at all? Check out these things to consider when deciding on a daycare for your child.
Is it important to you that they have continuous care and socialization?
A huge benefit of sending your child to daycare is knowing that they’ll have constant support, and they’ll begin socializing with other kids at a young age. These early years of growth are pivotal in child development, so it’s a good idea to get them around other little ones from a young age.
What does the daycare feel like when you walk in?
This is simple and straightforward, and it has a lot to do with your initial instinct or gut reaction to the facility. While it may not be brand new, consider whether or not it’s clean, well maintained, and up to date. Is the atmosphere happy and positive, or does it feel dirty and dingy? Does the space have fun decorations, new and well-organized toys, and comfortable flooring? Getting a general feel for the daycare before making your decisions is incredibly important.
Spend time researching the safety of the area.
Not only is it important that the daycare is in a safe part of time, but the facility itself should be secure. Leaving your children in the care of other people—strangers in many cases—is difficult to do, particularly when your kids are so little. Knowing that they’re in good hands is crucial.
Consider the cost.
Daycares do cost much less than a private nanny, but it can still be pricey. If you are able to stay home during the day or you have a relative you can reach out to for support, you may want to consider your financial situation. Will it be worth it for you to dish out the cost of daycare if you do have other options?
Understand the possibility of exposure to illness.
It’s clear that being around a lot of kids on a regular basis can lead to your little one getting sick more often. However, early exposure to germs can actually strengthen your child’s immune system so much that they’ll have fewer colds and infections further down the road. With that being said, during the current pandemic, it’s important to first reach out to your pediatrician before making any final decisions. They will know what’s happening on a local level, which can pertain directly to you and your young child. Make sure you’re comfortable with the precautions your daycare is taking. Know that if something does happen—whether sickness or injury—it’s important to reach out for help as soon as possible.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
This is a recent before and after picture of me. Either way, I’ve learned to feel comfortable in my skin.
Want to know the secret? I love me some me!
Not as an arrogant brag but the realization that I’m worth it, I’m lovable, I’m worthy of all the blessings, favor, and opportunities that come my way. This mental and emotional shift has opened doors for me that no man can shut 🙅🏽♀️.
It wasn’t always like this for me. I thought I was too dark, my nose was too big, I was too clumsy. Unfortunately all my beliefs were reinforced through bullying and name calling.
I experienced colorist projections by color struck adults, teens, teachers, and society. I had pain, rage, and low self-esteem. I didn’t believe my life was worth much so I withdrew and tried to make myself invisible.
But there was a spark of hope underneath the pain and rage I felt. But first I had to hit rock bottom. My second divorce, losing my house, bankruptcy, bad credit, six-figure student loans, and a series of failed relationships all made me take a hard look at my life. Something had to change.
How to Build Your Self Worth
I realized I had to change. I had to let go of what other people thought about me and projected on to me for years. I had to release the people who no longer added but always subtracted from my life. I had to move, limit family interaction, cut off friends, and get clear about who I am.
It was the toughest journey of my life. In many ways it was more painful than natural childbirth. But I had to do this work to free myself from the rage that was destroying my life through self sabotage. I had to facilitate my own healing and with the Creator’s help and the Spirit’s guidance I am healed, at peace, and free to be me.
I’m still evolving and becoming the best version of me possible. I’m still discovering the best parts of myself. I’m growing into the person I’m meant to be and growing into my calling.
It’s not easy because the old, self-defeatist me wants to take over and pull me back down into despair. But I know there is nothing down there for me. I know problems are temporary. I know feeling down or blue is not my default setting. I know tomorrow can always be better.
It took time for me to learn these lessons and it will take time for you too. Don’t give up!
How to Build Your Self-worth Recap:
Reject what negative people think about you
Release negative people
Get clear about who you are
Begin your self healing journey
Remember that your sad feelings today can be happy feelings tomorrow
How to Accept Yourself
It starts with accepting yourself no matter how good, bad, or ugly your life is (or has been). But how can you accept yourself if you don’t know yourself? How can you even trust the person in the mirror if you won’t fully see yourself.
Seeing yourself isn’t just about seeing your features, its about seeing your deepest pain, your traumas, your guilt, your same too. It’s also about seeing your gifts, talents, abilities. It’s about seeing what a wonderful mother, friend, and neighbor you are.
While you are looking at the deep tragic parts of yourself you have to also acknowledge the wonderful parts of yourself too and magnify them. It’s so easy to magnify and blow up all the negative parts of ourselves but how about the great stuff too?
Your baby daddy might be a a jerkwho trashes you to anyone who listens, but are you doing the same things too. Are you allowing what he and others think about you be what defines you? That’s the lazy way out of taking responsibility for determining your own identity.
In our society we glorify what others think of us but other people’s opinion are meaningless. What you think about yourself is more important. This is an important step to accepting yourself and building your self-worth and self-esteem.
How to Accept Yourself Recap:
Get to know yourself
Trust yourself
Inventory your greatness
Repeat positive affirmations daily
I speak more about discovering your Worth It factor in my free online session on August 1.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
A Global Pandemic is a Good Reminder
to Stress Test Your Finances on the Regular
By Kimberlee Davis Host & Founder of The Fiscal Feminist
Not to prematurely declare the current public health and economic emergencies over, because it’s not, but the reopening of some businesses this summer presents a good time for many of us to reflect on our finances. It’s a practice we self-reliant women should be doing all the time anyway, and now there is a unique opportunity to assess and learn. With four grueling months of health scares, social distancing and financial instability, let’s look at how we did.
Specifically, there are four key pieces of our fiscal puzzle that should be analyzed in a post-mortem evaluation: retirement, budget, investments, and career. Each plays a critical role in our overall strength and well-being, and each was stressed during the turmoil known as the first half of 2020. Without these four pillars of security, it is virtually impossible to provide for your family, secure peace of mind or simply enjoy your financial independence.
1. Retirement Stress Test
If it seems like we’re starting backwards by beginning with the funds that will be used last, that’s because reverse-engineering can be the simplest way to getting the answers you need. Your retirement savings, whether it’s an employer-sponsored 401(k), individual retirement account (IRA) or something else, should never be taken for granted due to its long timeline. In fact, it’s one of the best barometers we have for our own financial health.
Think of your retirement as the proverbial canary in the coalmine. If the nest egg cracks, it will likely impact everything else tenfold. Everyone’s risk tolerance varies, but a retirement portfolio should be set up to reduce risk and exposure in your investment strategy, the closer one gets to her retirement date.
A loss of retirement funds just before that critical milestone as a result of a pandemic or other economic calamity really can be the nightmare scenario for women of a certain age.
It’s also one of the more obvious wealth sources that can be tapped during an unforeseen emergency like COVID-19. Under the CARES Act, Americans can take a withdrawal of up to $100,000 from their 401k or IRA without the typical 10 percent early withdrawal penalty; however, the distribution will be taxed at ordinary income tax rates. The total amount of the distribution is treated as income and taxed accordingly. The CARES Act gives you three years to pay the taxes on the withdrawal (normally, it is a one-time lump sum tax payment) or you can repay back what you withdrew to your 401(k) or IRA and receive a tax refund.
Although the CARES Act enables us to take a withdrawal to help us during this unprecedented time, before you take the step of dipping into your retirement, it is better to explore all other alternatives first. The permanent loss of principal from withdrawing early and the long-term benefits of compound growth is extremely detrimental to your retirement outlook. The worst time to withdraw investment assets is in the middle of a downturn and extreme volatility; investments will be worth less and, hence, investors will have to withdraw a greater percentage of their account and will turn temporary paper losses into permanent realized losses.
Even if you try to replenish later, you will have lost all the compounding of growth from the withdrawn principal and the concern is that if you take advantage of the CARES Act provisions and withdraw, there is a good chance that you will not replenish the withdrawal which will be a permanent reduction.
We all think that retirement is somewhere out in the future, but it does ultimately arrive sooner than we think, and without retirement funding, retirement can look bleak. Women live longer than men and need to understand the longevity of their retirement funding.
2. Budgeting Stress Test
The unexpected fall out from the pandemic involved many women losing their jobs. This is obviously very stressful, and although stimulus checks may have been forthcoming and unemployment compensation may be available, there could have been long delays in receiving these payments.
It is essential that every woman has a budget. Have an honest conversation with yourself about how you spend your money and track it! Even if you are the only one in your household, it is important to review your savings and fine tune your budget. Determine what is necessary and what expenses can be cut.
There are many free budgeting apps that can help you to create and monitor your budget and your savings. It’s best to track your finances in real time using a spreadsheet or tech-enabled tool such as Mint so you get the best read on where your money is going. Make sure to scrutinize your fixed costs such as rent, mortgage, utilities, cell phone, food and all insurances, including health insurance. List all credit card payments. Review all discretionary expenses and line item what you are spending that are non-essential. Eliminate or severely reduce online shopping, clothing and subscriptions. Re-evaluate your take-out food purchases. The more you understand, the easier it will be to find a way to save.
Every woman needs to prioritize having an emergency fund which equals three-six months of living expenses that can carry them through unforeseen circumstances such as job loss or illness. Regardless of your income, an emergency fund is essential! Women of all income levels need to have an emergency fund – it is the life raft when there is turmoil.
The sequence of solid budgeting is to track spending, pay down all credit card debt and establish an emergency fund. Once you do that, you can move on to investing.
3. Investments Stress Test
This pillar has to do with the more active aspects of wealth creation. Stocks can be a sizeable part of an investment strategy, but diversification of asset classes – whether its mixing bonds, alternative investments (such as liquid hedge funds, hedge funds, private equity or REITs), real estate or art – is a key component of long-term financial independence. It aims to maximize returns by investing in different areas that would each react differently to the same event. If one portion of your portfolio is declining, it may ensure that other portions are not declining or not declining as much.
With that in mind, ask yourself, ‘how did my strategy fare since all hell broke loose in March?’ Did you have a diverse allocation, and did you make decisions during the volatility from fear or rationality?
A good stock selection strategy is to focus on the fundamentals of companies issuing the stocks. Remember that buying stocks is buying ownership in a company. Does the company have cash flow, too much debt, good management, and are they allocating funds for capital expenditures, shareholder return and dividends?
With the return to a lower interest rate environment, the dividend yield opportunities available within the equity market are at more compelling levels relative to fixed income securities than the historical norm. Investor income requirements will likely result in greater demand for dividend-paying stocks. More than half of the S&P 500 stocks yield greater than the 10-year Treasury yield, as of the end of last year. During such times, high dividend growers have outperformed high dividend yielders and the S&P 500. Dividend growth stock investing focuses on companies that pay dividends and grow dividends annually.
Regardless of price dips, dividends will be paid, and this especially helps investors who are living off their portfolios in retirement. Companies may change their dividend policies, so be mindful of that. Also, be mindful of over concentration in one stock – probably prudent not to have one stock make up more than 5% of your portfolio.
With respect to bond investments, consider varying elements such as maturities, credit qualities, and sensitivity to interest rate changes to diversify within that asset class.
Once you have your mix of stocks, bonds and alternatives, on a regular basis check the weightings of each allocation to make sure that they still make sense given current market conditions; from time to time you should rebalance your allocations.
Additionally, do not try to time the market or execute short-term trades as an investment strategy. Market timing can be very risky. If you have a long-term, diversified strategy, don’t let fear motivate you to cash out during dips in the market – that will result in permanent capital loss. If you stay the course over the long-term, you will benefit from the ultimate run-up and recovery.
It takes discipline and consistent investing to build wealth as well as patience and unemotional decision making. Make regular saving and investing a priority by setting up automated, regular deposits.
Reviewing your strategy shouldn’t be done only in times of crisis. It is helpful during bull markets and periods of personal and professional success as well. Keep in mind, though, that stress testing finances isn’t merely checking up on your investment accounts. Rather, it’s a holistic view of your entire financial picture.
4. Career Stress Test
The same look at how your money fared during the crisis should be applied to your job as well.
Were you able to keep your job during the quarantine? Were your salary and/or benefits cut? Is working from home something you’d like to continue?
Perhaps your career trajectory wasn’t as solid as you thought it was prior to the outbreak and some pivoting in the form of additional education and training or an entirely new professional endeavor are in order. Times of stress are not fun nor avoidable, but they can be a useful reflection tool. If it wasn’t for the disruption of the pandemic, it’s possible that you wouldn’t have found the flaws in your career – and then made the necessary self-improvements.
Unfortunately, more than 21 million Americans lost their jobs as of June, and reflection might not be a luxury all of us can afford at the moment. A crisis of that ilk requires character to persevere.
The good news is if you are smart with your finances, you have options. In addition to federal economic stimulus – and likely subsequent waves of stimuli – private companies have demonstrated leniency. From utilities and car payments to mortgage forbearance and credit card interest rates, there could be a deal to be struck somewhere. Additionally, there are always the 0-percent credit card options, either as a balance transfer or a place to temporarily park debt for free until your finances are right-sized.
Whatever it takes, you will do what you have to in order to feed those who depend on you and rise another day. With this unique opportunity for reflection – and the ongoing stress-testing of your finances every three to six months – we’ll all be stronger when we come out the other side.
Kimberlee Davis is your host of The Fiscal Feminist, a show about women and their relationship with money and finances. Her mission is to help all women of all ages and wealth levels –to embrace their responsibility to themselves to achieve solid financial footing in both calm and turbulent times. Kimberlee Davis has more than 25 years of finance, legal and corporate experience, her career has included being a corporate securities lawyer, investment banker, and Chief Financial Officer. Currently, she is Managing Director and Partner at The Bahnsen Group, a private wealth management firm. She specializes in personal wealth advising and oversees financial and retirement planning solutions.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Hi! Welcome to RichSingleMomma.com. I started this website almost a decade ago because I couldn't find any blogs back then that helped single moms with money. I was having some success in that area so I decided to share what I knew about side hustles, making extra money, and managing money. Read more...