How to Get Over Your Breakup with a Narcissist in 6 Steps

Note from Samantha: I’m bringing this guest post because I was married to a narcissist. It was the most painful, confusing, and soul-sucking experience I’ve ever had. It feels impossible to get out with your sanity, but it is possible to breakup with a narcissist, recover, and feel a sense of normalcy again.

You’ve tried everything to fix your relationship. You started with marriage courses, tears, anger, and now you’re finally had enough. But getting over a breakup is a difficult thing to do, especially after dating someone with a narcissistic personality.

Many often-associate narcissism with Greek mythology. The myth states that Narcissus was a hunter and the son of the river god Cephissus. He was a handsome young man who many people fell in love with, only to be turned away and treated with contempt.

While out hunting, Narcissus caught sight of his reflection in a pool of water and fell in love with himself. When he realizes he will never be able to be with the reflection in the water, he takes his own life.

Based on this story, it is no surprise that a narcissist is characterized as someone who is self-loving, egotistical, and has an inflated idea of their own importance.

On top of this already difficult personality, narcissists also commonly lie, violate boundaries, become highly aggressive when criticized, use emotional invalidation, gaslighting, and other invalidations to get their way.

Trying to raise your children while being treated like second-banana by your spouse creates emotional baggage and unresolved feelings that can be difficult to get rid of. Here are 6 ways to start.

 

1. Focus on Self-Love

In the study Empathy in Narcissistic Personality Disorder: From Clinical and Empirical Perspectives, researchers found that “clinical presentations of NPD suggest that empathy is not simply deficient in these individuals, but dysfunctional and subject to a diverse set of motivational and situational factors.”

Simply put, narcissists lack genuine empathy for others unless it serves their own purpose.

Having a partner who lacks empathy, especially while you were trying to raise children together, is extremely frustrating. Your former spouse’s lack of seeing things from your perspective or having sympathy for you can leave you feeling unloved and unremarkable after the relationship is over.

Therefore, it’s important to focus on self-love both inside and out.

Remember your worth. A study published by Berkeley found that cultivating gratitude and developing self-compassion can help you through a difficult breakup.

Start feeding your body good food that’s nutritious. Exercise daily. And start building yourself up with positive self-talk.

 

2. Disassociate from your Ex

One of the biggest suggestions for getting over a breakup with a narcissist is to cut off all contact you have with them. This means blocking them on social media, deleting them out of your phone, and refusing to stalk them online/check their email/asks friends about them.

Your primary focus right now should be you and your children, not worrying about what your ex is up to.

Do not fight back if they try to engage with you. Keep a record of their bad behavior, in case a custody battle should ever occur, but do not respond to it.

If you still share custody of your children, then it’s important to maintain communication as parents, but only about matters regarding the children. Furthermore, you do not have to see or speak to your ex in person or be friends with them. All you have to do is keep each other updated about your little ones.

 

3. Have a Support System

It can be embarrassing to tell those close to you that you are no longer with your partner. You may feel guilty or ashamed. But there is no need for these negative emotions when it comes to your separation.

Research indicates that those who receive emotional support from close friends and family experience a significant reduction in psychological distress following a breakup.

Utilize your support system. Call them to chat, vent, or to let them cheer you up. Make social outings a regular part of your week for both you and your kids. And don’t be afraid to call a friend when you’re feeling down. It will do you good not to shut people out.

 

4. Take Back Your Power

A narcissist can make you feel incredibly powerless in your own life. They feed off of manipulation and control. Don’t let that narcissist continue to rob you of your power or individuality after you’ve broken up.

Get back in the game. Take the control back in your life by:

Practicing acceptance. What happened to you was awful. You could spend night after night replaying the worst ways you were treated and cringing about your abusive, narcissistic spouse. But don’t. Allow yourself a mourning period and then accept what happened and make it your goal to move forward.

It is also important to be productive after your breakup. Your little ones will make this an easy task for you. However, many women also find it helpful to make to-do lists or take up bullet journaling. Not only is this a great way to schedule out your days and routines, but it can also give you physical proof of the hard work and accomplishments you’re making in your life.

 

5. Take a Marriage Course

Whether you’re looking to get back into the dating game or are trying to deepen your knowledge of healthy relationships, taking an online marriage course can help.

Online marriage courses can be done from the comfort of your own home – and they aren’t just for married people.

These courses can teach you great communication strategies, learning compassion, relationship building, and navigating financial challenges – all of which can do wonders for both your relationship with your children and any future romances you have.

 

6. Stop Judging Yourself

How you would react if your best friend had been the victim in a controlling, narcissistic relationship? Would you say such things as: “You were so stupid not to realize what was going on!” or “I can’t believe you let your kids live in that environment”? Hardly! You would be kind, loving, and supportive of your friend.

So, why are you treating yourself any different?

Be understanding and kind to yourself about your past relationship. Don’t berate yourself. Instead, focus on the future and promise yourself never to let something like this happen again.

 

Author Bio: Rachael Pace is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.