The Myth of the Desperate Single Mom

A survey of what single moms really want and how to be a supportive friend

Recently I conducted an informal survey to get a general profile of single moms. I admit that I had to bribe them a little to get them to complete it because, like most people, they are really busy. But the results were wonderfully enlightening and confirm what I know about single moms.

They/we are NOT all desperate for money and a man. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have both, but they’ve proven it’s nothing to be desperate about.

On average, the single moms I surveyed earned a decent wage each year. They have 1-2 children. They work full-time and more than half have college degrees or are in college to advance their careers.

The top two desires they have are to learn how to make more money and find time to be alone or get things done. This is a far cry from the portrayal we see in the news, on TV shows, and in movies.

The Stigma

As modern as this world claims to be, there are still a few pervasive thoughts about single motherhood. Many still believe single moms are lazy, desperate, and unhappy. The idea that every single mom is somehow a basket case is laughable.

The reality is most single moms are healthy and well-adjusted (or at least on their way of becoming that way).

The “Profile”

Since the beginning of time there have been single moms. The way they became solo parents was mostly through widowhood. Their husbands died and for whatever reason they never remarried. Most did, but a select few didn’t. Today single moms come in all shapes, sizes and circumstances.

There are widowed, divorced, and never married single moms. There are young and older single moms. There are wealthy and poor single moms. The thing that makes them the same is lack of a partner.

This lack could be because of death, a divorce because they chose to leave an abusive or unfaithful spouse; or a choice because they wanted a child or lack of planning and they made the decision to keep the child.

Some single moms have one child or multiple children. Some manage them well, while others struggle. Many have a solid support system, while the rest may struggle through alone.

Income levels vary as well. The more education she has the higher her income is likely to be. The opposite is also true. Today, about 50% of single moms are college educated and making a comfortable wage to care for their children.

Wrong Perceptions

Despite the success of many single moms, there is still a wrong perception about them in general. These generalizations are most prominent in the media through movies and television shows.

We see the poverty stricken mother who turns tricks to buy milk for the kids, or moms who accept abuse and unfaithfulness from a low class man. Still, more often than not, the single mom portrayed in the media is an opportunist vis a vis Nadya Shulman who will go to any length to make a buck or exploit her children.

Other negative perceptions include the man chaser, the sex kitten, and the stripper. All imply the single mom is somehow interested in only money or sex. Which further implies she is a woman of low morals and a blight on society.

Just a Normal Person with a Different Marital Status

The way single mothers are often portrayed is far from the norm. She is more likely than not a really cool person. She has the same hopes, dreams, fears and failures as the average person.

Her marital status may be outside of the traditional spectrum of an intact family, but she is an integral part of society.

Unfortunately she has the added pressure of trying parent without the emotional and financial support of a loving spouse.

What single moms face most often is isolation. If she does not have a strong support system and group of friends, she can go days or weeks without any social outlet.

Another issues is dealing with everyday logistics. How will she pick up one child from school when she has to give an important presentation during the same time? This and a million other scenarios can raise her stress level tremendously because it’s all on her to work out.

Though situations like happens to partnered or married people, it is doubly stressful for your neighborhood single mom.

Instead of jumping to a conclusion about her character when she seems grouchy or on the verge of tears, make it a point to get to know her. You may discover she is no different than you.

Getting to Know the Person

Opening your self to knowing a woman with no husband or significant other my feel uncomfortable at first. For some reason people feel irrational guilt or pity when they talk to single moms.

This is not what she is expecting or wants. She just wants to be treated like a normal person.

It’s likely you interact with single moms in everyday life. She is the person who works hard, laughs easily, or offers to lend a helping hand. She might be planning her child’s birthday party or planning to buy a home.

Her life is probably quiet and filled with more love than drama. She may be quiet or the life of the party. The only way to know this is to simply say a kind word or invite her to lunch.

And remember, she probably doesn’t want your husband or boyfriend. She is likely not trying to seduce you or take advantage of your kindness.

As with every person you meet, you will have to use your own judgment to decide if the single mom in your office, neighborhood, or church is a quality person. I’m simply asking that you don’t write her with the assumptions you have about single mom.