What SHOULD The Lonely Do During The Holidays?

What SHOULD The Lonely Do During The Holidays?

by | Dec 23, 2020

Whether you’ve been single for years or you’re newly single, the holidays can create a bit of anxiety and even some depression in a lot of us. Although this is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, many of us may be feeling it’s the worst. The holidays mean lots of pictures of ridiculously happy families and seemingly perfect couples. So, what’s a girl to do when it’s the holidays and she’s got no one to meet underneath the mistletoe? Here are a few tips for thriving through the holidays no matter how long it’s been since you’ve become a party of one.

  • Recognize that everything isn’t as it seems. You may see them looking “picture perfect” on social media, but that does not mean their life matches the pictures. Remember that people tend to post only the highlights of their lives, and just as they have good moments, they also have bad ones that you don’t know about. The grass ISN’T greener on the other side. Your life ISN’T all bad simply because you are single.

 

  • It’s perfectly okay to feel sad or disappointed that you’re alone during the holidays, even if this isn’t the first time. Let no one tell you that you should just “deal with it” or “get over it”. Feel your feelings, but don’t stay there. Cry if you must. Scream if you must. Cuddle up with your most favorite junk food while you binge watch your favorite show if you must. But once you’ve done what you need to do in order to get those feelings out, get up and smile. Do something that makes you happy. Be patient with yourself. Show yourself a little extra TLC. You don’t have to deny or ignore your feelings, in fact, you should embrace them. The trick, however, is to not allow them to consume you.

 

  • Protect your peace by any means necessary. You know the holidays are coming, so, do your best to prepare for them. If you know your family is notorious for playing 21 Questions when it comes to your dating life and it bothers you, decide whether or not answering their questions is beneficial to your mental health. Yes, they are your family and you love them and they love you, but if answering their questions is a reminder to you of where you are and that’s going to leave you feeling “less than”, you need to get your response together.

You get to decide if your response is a “scripted” answer you will give to any family member you know is prone to asking personal questions or deciding that you will not continue answering questions you don’t feel comfortable answering. It may seem extreme, but you have to do what works best for you. Taking a break from social media may also be needed if you find yourself feeling more depressed after seeing all the nice pictures and families online. Take the time to read some books or check out some comedy shows or going full on “unplugged” and not using your phone at all for a few hours a day.

 

  • Take time to show gratitude for the things you DO have. As cliche as it might sound, taking time to show gratitude really does work. Let me be clear though in saying that practicing gratitude does not guarantee you will not feel down about your current situation, and as stated, those feelings should be embraced. It does, however, mean that you will begin to see that singleness isn’t a curse. Being in a relationship or marriage isn’t the end all, be all. There is so much more to your life than your relationship status. Your worth does NOT diminish just because you are alone, despite what society would have you believe. 

 

  • Do something nice for someone else. Volunteer at a shelter (make sure to follow all the guidelines in place to keep you safe from COVID-19), buy a nice gift for someone you know isn’t expecting anything(it doesn’t have to be anything expensive. It’s the thought that counts), cook a special dish for an elderly family member just because, etc. Doing nice things for others really will help you to take your mind off your situation and you’ll be blessed in the process of blessing someone else. Everyone wins!

 

  • Know that material things aren’t what the holidays are about. I know that we all want to buy nice things for our kids and maybe you don’t have the money to get everything you’d like to. Please, please, please don’t beat yourself up about it. You show love to them, you clothe them, you feed them, etc, that is so much more important than gifts under a tree. It’s not about the money you spend, it’s about the time you get to spend with your family. As the saying goes, money can’t buy happiness and while I am sure you’d agree that it would definitely help, know that it isn’t everything. Your kids are blessed to have you as their mom and that in itself is a wonderful gift.

 

Should I Tell My Child(ren)’s Father I’m Dating Someone New?

Should I Tell My Child(ren)’s Father I’m Dating Someone New?

by | Oct 15, 2020

As the time comes to move on, one may begin to wonder when or even IF you should tell the father of your child(ren) you’re dating someone new. You’ve moved on, you’ve met someone new, things are going well with them, and now you are beginning to wonder if you should let your ex in on the situation.

Well, let’s talk about it a bit shall we? While no one can tell you exactly what to do as this is your life and you have to make the decisions that you feel are best for you, I can give you a few things to think about. If your immediate answer is “no”, then you’ll want to consider your situation. Some questions to ask might be; Are your kids old enough to know what’s going on? Are they old enough to divulge the information to him instead of you? Do you think your ex may overreact? Do you think your ex finding out you’re dating someone new would cause issues or uncomfortable tension between the two of you?

 

On the other hand, if you are leaning more towards your “yes” being your answer, here are some tips; If you do decide to move forward with telling your ex, only give information on a “need to know” basis. You can say something like “I wanted to be the one to tell you that I’m dating someone new and he will be spending time with the kids.” If you know your ex is someone more likely than not to get upset over this, make a plan for what you will say and just let that be that.

Do NOT feed into temper tantrums. When all else fails, revert back to this age old rule of thumb, no matter how hard it seems to be, treat your ex the way you want to be treated. You are in no way, shape or form obligated to let them know your every move or even to let them know about every person you go out with, however, if and when things get serious enough to bring the new person around the kids regularly, you can be open enough to simply say “Hey! Someone I care about and who cares about me will be around our kids. I just thought you should know.” Now, with all this being said, be sure that you are ready for any and all questions your ex may have regarding the situations.

Also, remember that just because a question is asked doesn’t mean you have to answer it. Again, use your best judgement. It may be best to keep things very much on the surface, give only the details that are needed as it pertains to how it will affect the kids. You know your relationship (or lack thereof) with your ex, you know most likely what to expect.

So, on the other side, should your final determination be to keep this information to yourself, just be sure that you already have a plan in mind for the handling of a situation, should one arise, where your ex finds out about the new person in your life via an outside source. It’s also important to be sure that your reason for keeping this information private is because it is truly what you believe to be best and is not based on the perceived thoughts or opinions of anyone else. Please let no one shame you or impose their views onto you about what you decide to do with your life. You are just as worthy of love and affection as anyone else.

I know that there are many people who believe they should give their unsolicited opinions on your life, especially your dating and/or sex life once you become a mother, but remember that your life is your own. You may be told that you should wait until your kids are older. You may be told you shouldn’t date at all until your kids are out of your house. You may be told a bunch of bull that you should definitely let go in one ear and out the other. The only thing you “should” do is make whatever decisions for your life you feel best. So, take your time. Tell your ex you’re dating someone new in YOUR time… or not. Do you, boo. You only live once and you want to do that to the absolute fullest. 

When Is The Right Time To Date After Divorce?

When Is The Right Time To Date After Divorce?

by | Sep 14, 2020

You’ve accepted the fact that the marriage is over, you’ve signed the dotted line to finalize everything. Now, you’re wondering when it would be the right time to move on and start dating someone new. Maybe your ex has already moved on and you’re wondering if you should do the same. Maybe neither of you is dating someone new yet, but you think you just might be ready to start.

The short and sweet answer to this burning question would be, there really is no set or “right” amount of time to wait after a divorce to start dating again. Honestly, this is different for each and every person. Some may feel ready after only a couple of months, others after a year or more, others feel ready before the divorce is even finalized. You have to decide what is best for you. No one can answer that for you, however, there ARE a few ways to know if the time is truly right. 

1.) You have sorted through your feelings

You have sorted through your feelings and are sure that you want to re-enter the dating world because you’re ready and not because you have any ill intentions. Your intentions for dating should not be to make your ex jealous, to seek validation or because you are lonely and want someone to fill your time. Dating should be something you seek to have fun and find a love that is a blessing to you. No person or thing can complete you so you want to be sure that you are healthy and whole before bringing another person into your life.

2. You are sure that you are no longer holding on to your ex

Be honest with yourself in determining whether or not you are truly over your ex. Many of us have signed the final paperwork and have SAID we’re ready to move on while deep down we are still holding out hope that we will reconcile things with our ex.

3. You’re not doing it because someone else says you should

Maybe you’ve gotten to a place where you’re comfortable and happy alone. This is not “wrong” or “weird”, in fact, this is wonderful. Please do not allow friends, family, society, anyone make you feel as if they should be able to tell you when YOU should be ready to get back out there. You aren’t here to “keep up with the Joneses”, you are here to live your life and you only get one. Live your life on YOUR terms. 

4. You feel in your gut that it is time.

You know what feels right to and for you. Women’s intuition is a beast! All you have to do is pay attention to your intuition and you will know. No one will be able to tell you better than you when it’s time to move on, when it’s time to date again or anything for that matter. Learn to trust your own voice, your own intuition.

5. You aren’t doing it because of FOMO

I know you see all the cute couples on Instagram and Facebook with their cute pictures with the cute captions. You see pictures of couples out on dates and on vacations and giving each other nice gifts and you just want to experience the same. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it simply means that you are human. However, you have to know that what’s for you is and will always be for YOU. You will not miss any, that is not ONE thing will pass you by if it is truly meant for you. You don’t have to rush it, you don’t have to beg it, you don’t have to force it. Your time WILL come.

6. Considered how our children will react

If you are now a single mom, you will want to be sure you have considered your children and how they will react. They will be affected by the decisions you make so you, as always and in all things, want to be sure you are making good decisions for them. Now, let me be clear here in saying that I, in no way, shape or form want you to ever feel shame or allow anyone else’s opinion to make you feel wrong for wanting to date as a mom. I don’t care if your kids are under the age of five or are teenagers getting ready to head off to college. You are human and you not only deserve, but you NEED a life outside of your kids. So, please know that my suggestion to consider your children’s reactions simply means that you feel ready to introduce them to someone new should you think it appropriate. You want to be sure you feel this new person would be a good fit for your family when and if it gets to that point.

Overall, this process is all about you and what you feel comfortable with. If you want to date and feel it is the right time, go for it! If you want to date, but feel you may need a little more time, take your time! There is no right or wrong answer here! This is YOUR life and you want to live it to the fullest! Do you, boo! Enjoy your life and let no one make you feel bad for it!