How to Escape Domestic Violence Through Financial Empowerment

How to Escape Domestic Violence Through Financial Empowerment

by | Oct 11, 2018

Updated 10/11/2018

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and this is the story of how I was able to escape domestic violence.

It’s a time to take a good long look at this problem in our world. Despite all we’ve learned about this problem it still persists in thousands of households each year. People who are not in that situation can’t understand why a woman would stay so long and almost lose her life. Why would she subject her children to such a life of violence?

No Escape?

What those same people don’t realize is a woman in this situation probably feels helpless to leave. She may be a stay at home mom who is isolated from family and friends because of her husband’s (or boyfriend’s) threats and manipulations. She probably doesn’t have the financial resources to leave because she is dependent on him for survival.

My Experience

From firsthand experience, I can tell you being in a situation like this sucks the life out of you. Domestic violence is not necessarily a sudden thing. It creeps in your life little by little and women with very blurry boundary lines are easily victimized. It starts out with verbal put-downs and criticisms. Then it escalates into yelling and screaming to shock the senses and terrorize. The next step is shoving or slapping, which escalates into punching and beating. All the while you are being manipulated into giving up your friends and stop hanging around your family.

If a baby comes you are likely to remain at home and interrogated if you leave the house. You are dependent on the provision of your partner. This is one of the most insidious forms of abuse; being a financial hostage. You have very little or no access to money and every penny you get is taken away.

Holding on to My Identity

My situation was not this bad but it could have gotten to this point very easily. Things never progressed to the shoving, slapping or into being beat. I came to my senses before it escalated to that point. I did, however, experience the verbal and psychological abuse. Money could have easily become an issue but I refused to give up my financial identity. Toward the end, my bank account was almost wiped out, but I had another account that I could transfer my money into. I recognized the downward spiral I was in and determined to regain control of my life.

Going through this was very terrifying and heartbreaking. I was angry, scared and confused, but I had to keep my head on straight. My children depended on me to get us through this nightmare. Fortunately, I had resources before I got involved with this person so I could escape much easier than a woman who has been in bondage for years.

Financial Savvy is Key

When a woman begins seeking a way out all the literature she reads and the people she talks to tells her to stash away money. That is the only way for her to escape a situation like domestic violence. Without money, she is stuck indefinitely.

escape domestic violenceFinancial independence is very liberating so it is important to cultivate a financial mindset. It is never too late to learn all you can about earning, saving, and budgeting. Giving up your financial identity is never a good idea in a relationship, but being empowered with financial knowledge is essential. Cultivate your financial savvy and never give up your personal identity for anyone.

I Found My Power

My situation turned out much better than millions of other women. I already had a very strong sense of who I was (I had only temporarily lost my way) and could tap into my strength. I knew how to get out and get help and I was angry enough (versus too scared) to do something about my situation. I was driven by a sense of fairness and protection for my children. I wasn’t dealing with a crazy man, just a coward who I escaped rather easily when I threatened to expose him to our church. Sometimes that’s all it takes, but other times it’s more difficult.

Educate, Empower, Think

Domestic violence will not go away overnight. Young girls must be taught they are worthy of love and respect. They must be taught not to fall for the first guy that says, “I love you”. They must be empowered through education, critical thinking skills, and financial savvy.

Make it your business to empower yourself and every young lady you know. Learn to make good decisions in every area of your life. Develop a strong sense of who you are and never let anyone label you or tell you who you are. Ask a million questions of potential suitors and trust your instincts.

If you are in a domestic violence situation get help ASAP by calling a domestic violence hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to provide services in more than 170 languages. Hotline advocates answer questions, provide safety planning and information as well as directly connect callers to domestic violence resources available in their local calling area. All calls to the hotline are confidential and anonymous.

 

4 Stress Management Strategies for Overwhelmed Single Moms

4 Stress Management Strategies for Overwhelmed Single Moms

by | Aug 1, 2018

When I think about all the stuff that I’ve had to deal with as an overwhelmed single mom I’m reminded that it’s better to pick my battles rather than get wiped out in a pointless war. There is too much going on in my life to allow nit-picky things ruin my day, my relationships, and my health. I empower myself by picking my battles carefully in all areas of my life. A few battles that readily come to mind involve the kids, the Ex, the family/friends, and the job. Here are four ways I’ve managed overwhelm might be helpful to you:

Managing Kids When You’re an Overwhelmed Single Mom 

Every day there is something to fight about with the kids. Mine are in elementary and middle school so they prettyBlack CEO mom tshirt much have a mind of their own. There is the potential to battle over clothes, food, bath and bedtime, as well as the choice of friends.

The clothing battle, especially for my 12-year-old daughter is a potential battle zone. She’s at the age where clothes equal popularity and the latest trends put a strain on my cash flow. Looking like Hanna Montana or the latest kid pop star is cool for her but the wacky/tacky fashions, not to mention the body-hugging, parts revealing attire is enough to make me want to scream.

But I’ve learned to set a few guidelines and let her decide what she will wear. I do a quick, informal inspection before we leave the house and make firm suggestions when she wears a questionable top that will give all the little boys whiplash. She complies because she already knows the rules up front so that battle is diffused before it even gets started.

My 8-year-old son is easier to handle. Just give him some jeans and a shirt and he’s good to go. There are times though when I have to remind him to put on matching socks or switch his shoes around because he still has trouble with two left feet at times.

Dealing with the Ex as an Overwhelmed Single Mom

Battles with the Ex have raged on since the beginning of time (well almost). My ex is no different with the exception of nasty arguments and name calling.

When I realized that we would not be raising our children together I made a decision to treat the relationship as a business arrangement. Yes, I know, it’s easier said than done if he’s less than nice and purposely gives you a hard time. Once I realized that using the kids to make his life miserable or demanding what he “owed” me, I simply made a mental list of what I would need from him in order to raise my children. Surprisingly, when it was all said and done the list was very small. All I needed (and it turns out that it really wasn’t a need) was for him to pay child support.

 

How to win child support ebook at RichSingleMomma.com

I am fortunate that he willingly complied to pay child support without a court order so I’ve received it since the birth of my daughter. I had no problem with him visiting the kids or arranging a holiday visit.

I learned that by removing my emotions I am able to reduce the battles and get on with living, without him that is. If your ex is hard to get along with and is determined to make your life miserable you may consider finding an advocate to deal with him for you. It could be a friend, a parent, or a sibling. It doesn’t have to be a long-term arrangement, just long enough until he understands that you are only concerned with the business of caring for your child.

Getting entangled in arguments and bitter fights with your ex just gives him more power and control over you. Yes, it’s true; allowing people to push your buttons puts them in control of your life and behavior. I don’t mean to lecture, but I’ve learned the hard way and just have to share with you. You have to get to the point where you are not angry at him or hurt that he’s no longer in your life. Until you do you will remain embattled with him and have a miserable life.

In this series, I’ve been talking about picking your battles and empowering your life. Battles with the kids and the ex may feel like a constant drain on your emotions, but you can make the choice to choose what battles you will fight. This time we’ll talk about picking battles with family and friends.

Dealing with Family/Friends as Overwhelmed Single Mom

Some single moms have close ties with the family. As a result, some family members are overprotective, overbearing, or over-involved in your life. I was in this situation and at times it was more stressful than dealing with my ex. When the relationship is over, for some, the family is who you turn to for help getting back on your feet. Mom and/or dad can help with childcare, finances, or a shoulder to cry on. The same can happen with close friends.

The problem occurs when this support system begins or attempts to run your life. They have all the answers about how to raise your children and they seem to be the only ones who know what’s best for you. Soon you find yourself wanting to run away from home or risk a relationship breakdown because of heated words.

In my case, my daughter began undermining my authority by asking my parents for things I told her she couldn’t have. Setting boundaries are the only way to reduce the number of battles you have if you have any. My boundary was moving four hours away. I felt my life spiraling out of control and felt a clean break was the best thing for me and my family. You may find other solutions that work for you.

Dealing With the Job/Career as an Overwhelmed Single Mom

Working is one thing single moms usually can’t get around. We have to work to make ends meet and give our kids the semblance of a normal life. But there are times when all things related to the job make me what to throw in the towel and go on welfare. It’s much safer at home where I can surf the internet all day, cook a great meal for the kids, and take naps. But instead, I get up early to go to work where I am not always appreciated and praised.

There are even times when the boss is a jerk and refuses to admit his mistakes or give me credit for a product or process. I’ve learned that the battle is mostly in my mind because in the world of work, every person is ultimately number one and I don’t matter much more than the completion of the next project. So with the battle being my head, I can make some choices. I can make the choice to not take things personally.

I can realize that at the end of the day I get to go home and be with people who love me. I also understand and jump for joy that my boss is not going to come with me. I get to leave him right where he is and forget about him and the job until the next day. The battle is won in my mind and I am at peace. Of course, I still do a good job, because I realize it’s more about personal satisfaction than anything.

The battles in your life and mine seem to come nonstop, but we are fortunate enough to have choices, smart enough to make good decisions, and savvy enough to make those decisions matter. Because in the grand scheme of things the little battles are just a minor annoyance compared to the joy of motherhood.

 

How to Be a Kick-Ass Single Mom w/ Emma Johnson

How to Be a Kick-Ass Single Mom w/ Emma Johnson

by | Oct 16, 2017

I had the pleasure of interviewing Emma Johnson, the author is The Kick-Ass Single Mom and founder of WealthySingleMommy.com. We talked about parenting, child support, and the importance of quality vs. quantity time with your kids.

Emma shared why she wrote the book and encourages single moms to practice radical self-care and to find their inner queen. When you own your power you can do anything you want.

This conversation is 30 minutes long so grab your coffee or tea and relax while watching or listening to us pour a bit of our power all over you!

You can buy the book at your local bookstore or in Amazon.com.

How to Deal with Your Deadbeat Baby Daddy?

How to Deal with Your Deadbeat Baby Daddy?

by | Aug 28, 2017

How do you deal with your deadbeat baby daddy? If you listen to your girlfriend, the media, the courts, or the rest of the world they would say to drag him through court, practically stalk him, or throw him in jail. I think that is a big mistake.

You are only hurting yourself and your chances of living a mentally healthy, happy, and prosperous life. If I have your attention keep reading and pick up the child support guidebook.

 

 

5 Reasons You Should Ignore Your Deadbeat Baby Daddy and Bid Farewell to Child Support Dependence

Ever dream of finding the right way to forget about your deadbeat baby daddy, stop depending on unreliable child support, and start changing your life? Many single moms have actually done that.

Most, however, never work through the daydream stage. Many lacked the desire to research, learn, and put a plan in motion, so all they do is dream, whine, and complain about how he’s a deadbeat.

So what is the positive impact of ignoring the father of your child and letting go? The negatives were covered all right, but why not consider the positives? Before we let the negatives rule, the positives deserve a fair hearing.

Let’s examine 5 positive reasons in favor of attempting to forget about your deadbeat baby daddy and inadequate child support to see those that ring true.

1. He’s proven he doesn’t want to be a part of your or your child’s life. 

I completely understand your rationale in thinking you had something special at one time, after all you had a baby together. I agree that that’s a rather valid objection, but please consider, if he hasn’t paid one red cent (or barely $100 a year) since the day the baby was born, he’s not interested in being a part of your lives. Moreover, you will need to consider you might be better off without him.

Here’s what to do when your baby daddy ignores you and your child; let him and begin the process of healing your heart, body, mind, and soul. Ignoring you is his way of telling you he is not interested in a life with you. It is harsh and it hurts, but it is truth backed up by his actions. You can begin the journey of discovering who you are, accepting your beauty and brilliance, and then releasing him and the painful memories surrounding your relationship. 

2. He’s probably more interested in the next conquest than raising a child with you. 

The leading reason is he’s too immature to want to be a parent. And also afraid of any type of real responsibility. If your child was conceived from a one night stand or fling, the father is probably only interested in the next fling. Sounds judgmental? It is and I’m not ashamed. The facts speak for themselves. A player rarely turns into a parent. The song, Papa Was a Rolling Stone comes to mind. If you were pulled in by this type of guy, forgive yourself and move on. You’ll make way for a better relationship and someone who can truly love you and your child.

3. Your anger and constant nagging about his inability to be a real man keeps him running away from you and his responsibility.

Plus perhaps your habit of broadcasting his failures to your girlfriends and the rest of the world! Most men run from drama and anger, especially if it is their fault. Rather than own up to it they will disappear, even if it means abandoning their child. In their mind they don’t see it as abandonment but as self-preservation. As long as you remain angry, bitter, and vindictive he will avoid you and his responsibility. But what if you could get him to see your point of view? What if you could get him to want to be a responsible dad instead of a deadbeat dad? It’s possible if you can get past the pain and look for a child support solution you both can be happy with.

4. You are giving him control of your life every second you remain angry at him.

Anger is fuel for controlling people. The more you allow your anger towards him to boil in your heart the more you give up control of your life. I learned this lesson the hard way; not just when it came to child support but with everything I wanted but couldn’t get because anger controlled me.

I realized that my ex was feeding off my negative emotions. He was like an emotional vampire that thrived on me feeling hurt, angry, and out of control. He was able to push my buttons an defend his actions because I gave him fuel. I looked crazy and unreasonable which justified his deadbeat daddy behavior.

5. You can create a better life for you and your child without his help.

When you take the focus off of him and make plans for financial security because of your own efforts you can create an amazing life for your family. You have so much more power when you are focused on the possibilities instead of the problems.

When you are calm, happy, and clear they solution shows up magically. You can see your future clearly and create goals out of your dreams. Your energy is on creating a life you love, raising amazing kids, and living your life in peace.

I can testify that after I gave up the fight I found peace. I set boundaries and guidelines around my interactions with my ex. I felt more in control and made decisions based on what was best for me instead of decisions designed to get him back for forcing me to bear the financial and parental responsibility all on my own.

What will you do now?

After you have had a chance to go over the reasons and think about them, you’ll find that a top-notch case can be made in favor of forgetting about your deadbeat baby daddy and moving on with your life.

Just think about it. Perhaps you really, in all seriousness, should forget fighting tooth and nail for him to be a father and sending money to help support your child.

As soon as you examine each of the reasons and evaluate them, you will have to admit that a very compelling case can be made for starting to consider how you can forget about your deadbeat baby daddy and create drama-free life with all the trimmings.

So maybe, just maybe, you really should stop depending on child support from a man who’s proven he doesn’t want to be responsible for taking care of his child. This is just my two cents worth.

It’s heartbreaking to see so many single moms struggle with this issue. The bottom line is it’s time to take control of our lives and destiny. Begin by finishing school if you haven’t, upgrading your skills for a better position, start a business to make extra money, and most importantly release the pain of rejection and low self-esteem.

 

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3 Secrets to Having the Best New Year Ever (Even if Last Year Sucked)!

3 Secrets to Having the Best New Year Ever (Even if Last Year Sucked)!

by | Jan 1, 2017

Happy New Year and welcome to a fresh start! Last year sucked for so many people. I had some challenges too so I’m glad 2016 is behind me. Now we have the chance to start again with a fresh new sheet of paper.

Last year sucked for so many people. I had some challenges too so I’m glad 2016 is behind me. Now we have the chance to start again with a fresh new sheet of paper.

We get to write a new story for a new chapter of our lives. There are a lot of opinions about how to make it a great year, how to keep your resolutions, and how to be successful. There are even these lists of 17 things floating around for how to make 2017 great.

Personally, I get overwhelmed with a list that’s over five items so to keep it simple for everyone I only have three things to do to make 2017 the best ever.

Here are my top three tips for how to have the best new year ever

1. Stop caring about what other people think

Listen to your heart stop caring with others think

As I get older I care less and less about what other people think, but this year I cared way too much. Big mistake. I was miserable trying to keep up with the opinions of others. That was a total failure.

This year I’m pulling the rug out from under the opinions of others who are not where I want to be or have not experienced what I have experienced. I’m taking the attitude of Trust, but verify. I have to do a gut check to see if what others are saying, the advice they are handing out like lollipops, is worth the time and energy to follow.

Take a page out of my book and just stop caring about what other people think. Start following your heart instead. You know the answers and if you don’t pray for wisdom and trust that God will give you the right answers and send the right people your way.

2. Do you (improve along the way)

Be an Original and Do You

We live in such a copycat world right now that it’s hard to know what is genuinely you and what is someone else’s influence. Social media plays a huge part in this phenomenon. However, you have to decide to do what you do best and forget about the rest.

Embrace your personality, your quirks, even your dark side. In the process, you will learn to trust and love yourself more so you have more to give your children and the world when it’s time. The hidden benefit of doing you is your level of self-acceptance increases.

When you accept yourself it is easier to make small improvements along the way. It is fun and you don’t feel the pressure of having to change because someone else said you should.

3. Plan for success and focus only on what you want

Focus only on what you want - RichSingleMomma.com

Finally, make a plan for success. How?

Simply decide what you want for the year (I suggest the top 3 things), write it down and post where you will see it each day.

The next thing is to focus only on what you want and ignore the rest. You almost have to have tunnel vision so you can’t see the distractions or the B.S. that is constantly coming up. This is the key and what they mean about living your life on purpose.

If you want to go to school put it on the list. Start with getting information about the school, programs, and enrollment dates. Talk to an adviser about your goals. Then register for a class to test out whether it is right for you.

Just stay focused on the activities that will get you toward your goals. Let the rest fall our of your view.

If you do these three things for the first three months of the year, the rest of the year will be on fire! Amazing! Unstoppable!

Want to learn the secrets to Unstoppable Power?

Grab my course, How to Unleash Your Unstoppable Power, for only $.99 (plus you get unlimited access to 1,000s of other courses for 3 months)! In my course you will discover the 16 steps to living fearlessly and authentically for the rest of your life, one day at a time.

[Book Excerpt] Discovering Your Own Doctor Within

[Book Excerpt] Discovering Your Own Doctor Within

by | Sep 28, 2016

An Actress WithinDiscovering Your Doctor Within book cover about emotional wellness

A girl in her midtwenties who wore a peasant shirt arrived for a simple checkup of her sprained right wrist. She’d been
wearing a brace and managing within her work restrictions. Blonde-haired and doe-eyed, she appeared reserved but polite. I proceeded to examine the wrist and check the fit of the brace. I also offered her a different medication and asked about physical therapy.

We then chitchatted a bit, during which she told me she was working an assembly line job and raising her sons, but she’d just graduated from acting school and was very excited to audition the next day for a commercial in Cincinnati. She thought it was important to show her sons the importance of following a dream by following her own. She said she’d always wanted to portray characters that brought out emotions in those watching. I commended her for this and wished her the best for the audition.

I encouraged her to show the joy in what she was doing, even if it was an awkward tryout, as though the time on stage would truly be what she’d be doing for a living; projecting her comfort would allow the producers to feel more relaxed and happy to hire her for the part. I asked her if there was anything else about her health that we should talk about, and she stated she’d had migraines since childhood.

meditation for emotional wellness

Unsplash / Pixabay

I felt a sense of properness while in the room with her; a sense of calmness that was more like forced tranquility than genuine peace. So, I brought to her attention that allowing her true feelings to come out, such as anger, would not only help with her migraines but also with her performance on stage. I felt that somewhere during this young adult’s upbringing, she’d learned to turn off any anger, having judged and condemned it as improper.

“As a matter of fact,” I told her, “anger can be very helpful.”

I recommended that she join a self-defense class where she could strike out, kick, and punch, and with each one of these offensive moves, assign with it something that happened to her that caused her to feel angry. She was to channel that feeling and event into every strike.

I told her that if she did that, she would not only help her migraines but also be able to channel that emotion in the human characters she played. I explained that the suppression of this emotion doesn’t get rid of it but instead just chains it up for a while and builds inner pressure that can result in all sorts of destructive influence on the body. Emotions are vibrations, and the body, under poor vibrations, can develop disease and be unwell, exhibiting symptoms such as migraines, ulcers, and stomach issues.

She nodded in agreement and said that in her final exam at acting school, she’d had to deliver part of a monologue of a very angry woman, standing alone on stage. She said she had done very poorly because she hadn’t been able to get in touch with the anger. I’d told her that it made a lot of sense because she’d never given herself permission to access it. While she worked through this, I recommended that she try butterbur, an herb showing promise in treating migraines, embraced by large neurology clinics for its effectiveness and low side effect profile.

I then asked if I could say a prayer with her for her audition and new dream career. She agreed, and I held in my mind the portrait of her as an actress who was so in touch with each of her emotions that she could portray any character, and the genuineness of this would be felt by all the audience members, who would be in turn inspired to find the genuine nature in their own lives. I saw this so clearly for her and asked that she be guided to this, as she felt comfortable in allowing it to happen. She’d been an inspiration, and I was blessed with a new realization about prayer from our visit.

In having prayed and seen the young actress so sharply in my mind’s eye doing and loving what she wanted so much to do, I felt what true prayer is. True prayer is holding a deeply felt, detailed image of someone’s best self, when he or she isn’t yet able to do so. I was reminded of Jesus among the sick. He saw his fellow beings in their full state of radiant health, walking with their beds instead of focusing on their lameness and skin lesions. He held so strongly the vibration of their well-being that they all let go of their own beliefs of sickness in his presence. We can all do this for each other by focusing on each other’s best selves and holding that in our hearts as our image of them.

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About the author

Amy E. Coleman author of discovering your doctor withinDr. Amy E. Coleman is the CEO and founder of Wellsmart, a company that cultivates technologies and healthcare strategies that strengthen the patient/doctor relationship. She served as a United States Air Force flight surgeon, and was appointed the youngest and first female Commander of the U.S. Air Force Special Operations Clinic. There, she helped guide global medical missions and build creative clinic systems, including those employing complementary care methods still employed today throughout the Air Force.