Recently I asked single moms and a few experts how new single moms can handle everyday stress. They shared this advice…
Real Single Moms Speak
I get my mom to watch them after they are asleep and go out for a few hours.–michigamom5150
I get stressed and I let it ride out.–delilahsmom1177
Basically spend his nap time, and bedtime doing things for me. –Delila12
I find something calming for all of us to do together. –happylife123
I take it day by day ..moment by moment.. breath by breath.. –KRIZZ25
I would take my kids to the park and or the pool for some destressing time…–brieri
What’s working momentarily (she is three, after all) is playing music with her.–thesj180herself
Being apart during the day helps us… he is in school or camp and I am at work. –virginiamama71
What helped with my stress is when my son had baseball practice.i got to see other parents and just talk…-baseballmom5416
I learned meditation years ago to handle every day stress and to unwind at night. –Robsessed98
The Experts Speak
Life Transitions Coach and Single Mom
I am a Life Transitions Coach and a single mom of two children aged 11 and 14. While their dependency on me has changed over the years, I have found that the tried and true tip that works at all ages is to prepare the night before to simplify the morning routine. Pack lunches, lay out clothes, pack school bags (sign permission slips, write notes to teachers), and plan the meal for the next evening.
Get the whole family exercising together. Everyone’s stress will be reduced! Try whatever makes your family the happiest. At our house, we have a jar with slips of paper (hiking, biking, rollerblading, etc.) to use for a random choice. Jump roping, running, dancing to the radio … so many free activities!!!!
Syd Hoffman
Author of All-Day Energy: 100 Ways to Boost Your Energy…Now!
480-814-1780
www.SydHoffman.com
It’s NOT selfish to put your own needs before your children’s when there is a healthy balance on both sides. Children need to learn that all of their needs are not going to be met all of the time, and that the needs of others also need to be considered and respected.
DR. JOSEPH CILONA
www.drcilona.com
Heather Hans
Laugh! Remember that comedy is the flip side of tragedy. The two are closer to the same thing than you may think. Not only does every cloud have a silver lining, but it has a hilarious side, as well. Nothing challenges our faith as much as seeming tragedy. Humor helps us see our life from a new perspective (often times a more objective one), and it also allows us to come up with creative solutions to our problems. It raises our consciousness and energy level and can serve to enhance our spiritual connection amidst times of turmoil and life questions.
Heather Hans
www.heatherhans.com
As a psychotherapist, family counselor and single parent, one thing I did was to leverage my time and energy by forming a neighborhood cooperative where we took each other children for a few hours to give us a cost-free break. AND, it was often easier with a friend or two as they entertained each other and freed up more time to think and breath while remaining available.
Mom must put herself 1st. It’s not selfish, it is responsible. She can’t continue to give and give and give is she has no way of re-filling herself – perhaps having a friend or relative watch the kids for 2 hours two or three times a week to take a walk, go to the gym and roam around the book
store. Something she does just for herself. She will feel better about herself, release those endorphins and the result will be more patience with the kids and work. She will just be a better mom, friend, etc.
Teresa Van-Zeller, ACCHt
www.hypnosis2000.com
Dr. Peter Zafirides
Single moms deal with so much pressure. It is hard enough to take care of all the obligations of taking care of the kids and running a household on their own. They feel like they have to do everything AND do everything perfectly. Realize you are human and set proper limits – with kids, extended family and work.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
We all go through challenging times at one point or another in our lives. It’s so important to not allow ourselves to get off course during these times. If we do find ourselves off course, it’s important to get back on course by having a plan or set goals so that we are able to get you where we need to be.
Develop a Relationship with God / Read Scripture
A relationship with God sustains you. As a believer, when you put your relationship with God first it causes you to leave your worries behind (Matt. 6:33 and Prov. 3:5-6) and to focus on Him. He will take care of you and He knows what you need. You have to remember that nothing is bigger than God (Phil. 4:13). He is your creator; He loves you, and wants nothing but the best for you.
It’s important to find scriptures that are uplifting to you and that you can refer to when you need to be uplifted. If you don’t know any, get on your computer and search for uplifting scriptures and go from there.
Sometimes our friends or family are not around when we need to be uplifted. God has provided His word for us at just those times. Consider it your manual for your life from your manufacturer. After all, when you buy something from a store whether it is a toaster or a vacuum cleaner, it always comes with an owner’s manual.
When we are broken and need to be fixed or uplifted, we need to refer to our manual to find out what will help us get back on track so our lives we will run smoother. It’s also important to pray for His protection to surround you during challenging times. It’s during these times that we are quite vulnerable.
A protection scripture I refer to daily is Psalm 91. I know that there are others but this one is a favorite of mine. Again, you can always do a search and find scriptures for protection. Always remember who you are and whose you are.
Keep a Journal
A journal is another way outside of having a prayerful life that allows me to release what’s inside of me onto paper so I can see in black and white what I’m feeling at that moment. This release causes me to take time to breathe and focus.
It allows me to say, “Okay this is what’s going on right now, this is how I’m feeling, I’m here right now but where I really want to be is over there. How do I get there?” Even though you may not realize it at the time, it’s as though you are writing your own directions to a road map, your own road map to your course of life. This “distraction” has caused me to be at Point A but I need to be at Point B.
The journey or directions that we take to get to our Point B is also important. What you do during your journey should sustain you. Your “directions” are the actions you need to take in order to get you to where you need to be.
Do you want to go back to school?
Do you need to forgive someone for hurting you?
Do you need to put an end to a relationship?
Do you want to lose weight?
Write the steps you need to take in order to get to Point B and review them often. If it helps to write them on note cards, post-it notes, on your to-do list, etc. Just write them down and refer back them often.
Maybe you want to purchase a house and having a picture of a house that you see yourself buying is what you need to keep you on track. Find that picture and keep it on your mirror, refrigerator, wherever you will see it to remind you that this is your Point B.
Whether it is when you are feeling discouraged or if it’s a daily reminder to yourself that you are on the right track, it is a way to remind you that this is your Point B and you will be here in no time.
Goals and the steps to obtain them are your starting point, middle point, and your end point. Remember that obtaining goals takes time and that’s okay. The process you will go through to achieve your goals will be the process where you gain more wisdom, more strength and growth. Remember that goals usually don’t happen overnight but with faith, patience and a plan you will get there.
1. Put the guilt away (preferably in a bag and take it to the curb)
Our society likes to manipulate mothers by playing on our doubts and insecurities. With single moms the guilt seems to be intensified a hundred fold. When society isn’t guilting us, our kids may be guilting us and we often guilt ourselves. We need to keep our expectations of ourselves and our children realistic and if we have no means of gauging what realistic means, a good sensible book will be a huge help. I found “Healthy Parenting” by Janet Geringer Woititz a godsend but there are a number of other great books out there. If we can’t afford to go to Chapters, there’s always the local library. I’ve actually found the bulk of my really helpful books at Value Village and the Salvation Army.
2. Have a laugh
My kids are two of the funniest people I have ever met. A simple game of Crazy Eights or my Tina Turner impression can turn into a ROTFL event and we all feel so much better afterwards. Watching a comedy flick or some comedians on You Tube gives me a break from the stress and seriousness of life and gives me an endorphin shower (can never get too many of those)!
3. Pamper yourself
When it’s my “time of the month” it’s candles and bubble bath every night. If I don’t have bubble bath Epsom salt will do. I don’t consider this frivolous, I consider it necessary in order to maintain some sanity. Sometimes I pray and sometimes I let my mind drift but either way I’m not focused on the stress and I’m also doing something exclusively for me. When I constantly put others first and deny my needs I begin to lose perspective on my value and doing something for myself affirms that I am important.
4. Release the tension in a positive manner
Whether it’s exercising, venting to someone or screaming in the shower we need to release the tension we’re feeling or we’ll end up exploding and possibly harming ourselves or someone else. Much of the illness I have experienced has been a result of stress build-up inside of me and I have learned the hard way to release the tension I’m feeling before it escalates. One thing I do when I’m upset is I clean furiously because it’s physical, I have the energy to do it when I’m stressed out, and the end result is tangible and satisfying. If only the end result would last longer…
5. Keep things in their proper perspective
One of my frequent prayers is that God would help me to see things are they really are. Much of my stress is a result of my skewed perspective on situations. We are surrounded by a million messages that tell us we don’t have enough stuff and we need more, more and more. Do I really need 10 pairs of pants? 3 ski jackets? Do I really need a new loveseat when my 20-year-old loveseat is still in good shape and there’s nothing wrong with it? Whenever one of my kids went through a growth spurt, I would panic and think, “Oh no! What am I gonna do now? I have to buy a new wardrobe for him/her and I can’t afford it!” Not so…especially now that I don’t have to go out to a laundromat anymore. I can do laundry every night if I need to and hang the clothes up if I’m concerned about electricity usage. We can wear the same shirt or pants more than one time in a week. I try to stay focused on what we do have as opposed to what we don’t have. It’s helpful to find someone stable and sensible to talk with to help you keep things in their proper perspective.
These are five tried and true methods that have worked for me over the past 19 years and I hope that you try them too!
Recovering from soul crushing heartache is difficult when you have a child depending on you. It’s challenging to grieve a failed relationship when you have to change diapers, pack lunches, go to play dates, and read bedtime stories. During the day you’re on auto-pilot, but when your sweet baby is sleeping you are wide awake with memories that haunt you. It can feel like there won’t ever be a time when the pain isn’t so tangible. It’s not easy but there are things that you can do to move yourself towards a sense of normalcy and healing:
PRAYER
Prayer is something that you can do at any time of the day. It does not have to be formal or long it just has to be earnest and followed by an ounce of faith. Talk to God when those moments of silence become overwhelming. Ask for healing, strength and guidance while you are driving, working or sitting alone. When you are done praying believe- even if it’s just a little bit- that your prayers will be answered. Pray (and cry) as often as needed.
FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD(REN)
It is easy to wallow in your grief and let feelings of powerlessness and rejection consume you. But children have a way of pulling you out of your own head and making you focus on them. You may even find yourself learning from your child as you become immersed in their world.
TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
Let’s be honest: too much time spent watching Disney Junior and singing ‘Wheels on the Bus’ will drive you crazy. Take a timeout and reenergize by doing something you enjoy. What happens to a phone with a low battery? The same thing that happens to burnt out mommies.
FORGIVE YOURSELF
This step is the hardest. It is easy to blame yourself for everything that went wrong. This kind of thinking is rarely ever helpful. Accept that you gave your best. The past is done and you are allowed to move on.
There is no definitive time line for the healing process. It takes the brain a while to recognize and accept new patterns so you will probably relapse into moments of despair and mourning. Continue to press forward as there is something greater on the other side of your pain. You can do it and you deserve it.
Last week there were about ten single moms on a the Ask RichSingle Momma Anything single mom support call. I had a great time talking with all of them and answering their questions.
The thing about being a single mom is there is this sense of isolation and feeling that no one understands. I’ve had many days like this where if I could just talk to someone who understood I would feel so much better. That is why I am doing these calls. We need someone to talk to about the challenges we face everyday.
The call focused mostly on financial issues but it also covered how to get through life successfully. You can check out the RichSingleMomma Facebook Page to find out everything we talked about.
Here is a video clip I did early this week about the call.
Join us this Sunday and every Sunday for the Single Mom Support call at 9pm (EST). Here is the call-in information:
Dial-in – (218) 339-2500
Enter Access Code – 1032131#
If you are unable to join the call a recording will be available later.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Whether you’re looking to meet the right guy to start a family with, or you’re a single mom with little ones of her own, finding eligible guys who want the same things can be a challenge.
If you know in your heart that you want children, finding ‘the one’ means being able to read the signs as to whether or not the men you’re dating feel the same way. This can be tricky – after all, talking about kids and marriage on a first date is often considered a no-no.
But there are some ways to read a guy before you get too involved, to try and establish whether or not he’s on the same page. Here are some tell-tale signs he’s not into the idea.
He thinks the world is a terrible place
Some guys think that the world is full of bad people and inherent evil, and that bringing a child into it is a selfish thing to do. Guys like these often had terrible childhoods and are frightened of inflicting that pain onto someone else.
Then there are guys who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t imagine finding the time to raise kids. They’re too busy working long hours, going to the gym, and drinking with their buddies. They don’t want anything to tear them away from that!
He’s still a boy at heart
This kind of guy could never have kids because he’s too busy being a child himself. Maybe he still lives with his parents, spends his days playing video games or can’t cook anything without burning it. This is a sign that he may not be ready to bring kids into the world: there’s not enough room for the both of them.
He’s already got them
Sometimes you’ll meet a man who’s already a great dad – to someone else’s children. In some cases, he’ll be happy enough with the kids he already has and won’t be interested in starting a new family. This can be tough, as he’ll already have preconceived ideas of what it means to have kids, and may be burned by his own divorce or separation.
Ultimately, if finding a guy who wants to have kids – or who’ll help you raise your own – is a priority, then you’ll find that person. Have a look at a dating website, such as eHarmony.ca, where you can narrow your search to include people who want to make kids a priority.
If you’re interested in Catholic dating, or just looking for singles who want kids in your local area, there’s sure to be someone out there who sees eye-to-eye with you on the big issues. Continue to be patient and know that the right person is out there – you’re just going to have to look for him.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
Hi! Welcome to RichSingleMomma.com. I started this website almost a decade ago because I couldn't find any blogs back then that helped single moms with money. I was having some success in that area so I decided to share what I knew about side hustles, making extra money, and managing money. Read more...
dates, and read bedtime stories. During the day you’re on auto-pilot, but when your sweet baby is sleeping you are wide awake with memories that haunt you. It can feel like there won’t ever be a time when the pain isn’t so tangible. It’s not easy but there are things that you can do to move yourself towards a sense of normalcy and healing:
