Our society as it evolved to adapt to the culture being cultivated by different factors has created standards that influenced who we are and how we should be as women. All these have triggered ripple effects on the values that make each one of us unique from each other. As women, we are born with special attributes that prepare us for our critical role as the foundation of this society.
A defined woman knows that educating herself in every way possible, from higher education to common sense manners, empowers her to become a woman of ingenuity and dignity. Knowing it is not her dress size or the money she possess that brings her satisfaction in life. A real woman knows that wealth and beauty can be temporary, but her inner character is the standard measurement by which others will ultimately judge her as a person.
You’re going to experience a lot of setbacks in life, but they don’t necessarily have to determine whether you’re successful or not. It’s your attitude towards the future that will determine your altitude.
Embrace the unknown. Life always goes with some certain complexities which we always thought would not exist. But it has the best and most thorough purpose that usually comes with a lot of excitement. What they don’t generally come with is an instruction manual. But powerful women don’t let that scare them. They embrace the uneasiness of the unknown with wide-open arms. Be brave enough to travel the unknown path, and learn what you are capable of.
Positive Attitude. Your life is as good as your mindset. Always remember that it’s the attitude you fuel in the beginning of the journey that could create a successful outcome. Deliberately use words that focus on constructive, affirming truths about yourself. With everything that has happened in the middle of the journey, it could drive you from idea conception to realization that things are either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You have to train your mind to see the good in every situation. You only get to choose in between and always surround yourself with people who’ll encourage, inspire and believe in you.
Strong-Mind. Rule your mind, or it will rule you.Your mind has to be stronger than your feelings. You need to possess a healthy self image with a strong-minded attitude because it empowers you as a woman with confidence. You need to focus on being mentally strong to help yourself navigate fears, failures, and obstacles that come with growing a successful business and life. As a woman you need to have the resources, the mental skills and the capabilities to confront difficulties of all kinds with the qualities of sacrifice and dedication.
Self-care. You need to make yourself a priority each and every day. Practicing self-care isn’t always easy but it is definitely necessary. It’s no surprise that when we neglect our own self-care, it catches up with us. Fortunately, there are a couple of things you can do to engage in taking good care of yourself without feeling guilty. No matter which approach you choose, the goal is to figure out which strategies work best for you. Whether you decide you want to go on a vacation, take a hot bath, or enjoy binge-watching a TV series with friends, taking self-care time is imperative. Look for any ways you can incorporate it into everyday life.
Goals setting. First, consider what you want to achieve and commit to it. The real challenge in setting your goal is not determining if you want the result, but if you are willing to accept the sacrifices required to achieve your goal. It is important to have the key insight of your direction because you’ll never get anywhere just by riding the canoe without the paddle.
You’re endowed with greatness and only you who can take control of your life and views in the trials that you face in a positive way. Applying self-empowerment in your life can change your perspective and can help you see the brighter side of life.
“I want a divorce”-whether you say it or they say it—the movement it makes in your life is stronger than any earthquake. Then the real earthquake happens-the first weekend of visitation. As a stay at home special needs mom, this was the hardest nights I have had to experience in my entire life. I felt like one half of myself was torn away.
I remember when my baby was born, the NICU nurses were mad at me for not laying in bed but taking him to every feeding and delaying returning to my room. I couldn’t walk away, even though I was right down the hall. Now I had to spend an entire weekend away from him. Nevertheless, there is a way to get through it.
Let it out!
Cry-hard and deep and strong. Hold his toys and let yourself collapse in his bed. Whatever it takes. My grandmother used to say “A good cry is the best medicine to move on.” Don’t feel like a sucker or anything. You are going through what will be the hardest beginning of a chapter ever. You are going to need to let emotions out to move forward. Go through tissues, all your hot water whatever you need to do. Just let it out-
Clean Up The House
Let’s face it-during the first few weeks of a breakup you and your house look like it’s ready to be demolished. Put on some energizing music-NO SAD SONGS ALLOWED. Take one room at a time alongside a garbage bag. Note: This is not a time to go through the husband’s leftovers or the keepsake box, it’s time to make this house the home it should be. Laundry in the basket, tissues in the garbage. Believe it or not it will make you feel better. A literally clean slate, starting with your home and moving forward when you are ready.
List Your Single Girl Loves
Take yourself back to a moment where you weren’t “Mommy” or “Honey”. What did you love to do? What made you feel alive? What did you enjoy when the world went to bed but you were too awake? I ask because there now are going to be days where you can be her again a bit. For me it was writing and fashion design. I bought a book where you “finish” a story and started watching Project Runway again doing the challenges. I did it of course around my usual to do list but it was a way to keep the kid free spaces full.
Find a Self Care Item You Can Afford Every Visitation
This can be anything that will not break your budget. I am not asking you to go to Elizabeth Arden or a Manhattan Spa that costs as much as your rent, but something that makes you feel good about yourself. For me its home facials. I feel so much better after them-confident, happy and me. It doesn’t hurt to have that feeling when the ex comes by with the little ones. Bottom line: Something to bring you back to you..cause now that’s all the little ones can count on-especially when you are the majority custody parent.
In the end, you need to get it all out and get it all ready. Prepare for the new chapter by making the main character as strong and ready and independent as possible. Budgeting and readying for the technics can wait till the next visitation-right now you are the priority to prepare. Now get started on this new world of and for you.
Heather is a politico turned special needs single mom who just started journaling her path for other single mom’s. She lives in nyc with the greatest kid ever.
As the time comes to move on, one may begin to wonder when or even IF you should tell the father of your child(ren) you’re dating someone new. You’ve moved on, you’ve met someone new, things are going well with them, and now you are beginning to wonder if you should let your ex in on the situation.
Well, let’s talk about it a bit shall we? While no one can tell you exactly what to do as this is your life and you have to make the decisions that you feel are best for you, I can give you a few things to think about. If your immediate answer is “no”, then you’ll want to consider your situation. Some questions to ask might be; Are your kids old enough to know what’s going on? Are they old enough to divulge the information to him instead of you? Do you think your ex may overreact? Do you think your ex finding out you’re dating someone new would cause issues or uncomfortable tension between the two of you?
On the other hand, if you are leaning more towards your “yes” being your answer, here are some tips; If you do decide to move forward with telling your ex, only give information on a “need to know” basis. You can say something like “I wanted to be the one to tell you that I’m dating someone new and he will be spending time with the kids.” If you know your ex is someone more likely than not to get upset over this, make a plan for what you will say and just let that be that.
Do NOT feed into temper tantrums. When all else fails, revert back to this age old rule of thumb, no matter how hard it seems to be, treat your ex the way you want to be treated. You are in no way, shape or form obligated to let them know your every move or even to let them know about every person you go out with, however, if and when things get serious enough to bring the new person around the kids regularly, you can be open enough to simply say “Hey! Someone I care about and who cares about me will be around our kids. I just thought you should know.” Now, with all this being said, be sure that you are ready for any and all questions your ex may have regarding the situations.
Also, remember that just because a question is asked doesn’t mean you have to answer it. Again, use your best judgement. It may be best to keep things very much on the surface, give only the details that are needed as it pertains to how it will affect the kids. You know your relationship (or lack thereof) with your ex, you know most likely what to expect.
So, on the other side, should your final determination be to keep this information to yourself, just be sure that you already have a plan in mind for the handling of a situation, should one arise, where your ex finds out about the new person in your life via an outside source. It’s also important to be sure that your reason for keeping this information private is because it is truly what you believe to be best and is not based on the perceived thoughts or opinions of anyone else. Please let no one shame you or impose their views onto you about what you decide to do with your life. You are just as worthy of love and affection as anyone else.
I know that there are many people who believe they should give their unsolicited opinions on your life, especially your dating and/or sex life once you become a mother, but remember that your life is your own. You may be told that you should wait until your kids are older. You may be told you shouldn’t date at all until your kids are out of your house. You may be told a bunch of bull that you should definitely let go in one ear and out the other. The only thing you “should” do is make whatever decisions for your life you feel best. So, take your time. Tell your ex you’re dating someone new in YOUR time… or not. Do you, boo. You only live once and you want to do that to the absolute fullest.
Shakina is a relationship and sexuality coach as well as a blogger, and motivational speaker. She is a single mom of two and resides in Jackson, Mississippi with her two handsome boys. She’s passionate about helping women recognize their greatness in life, love, and between the sheets.
Follow her on Social Media:
Facebook-Shakina
Instagram-@shakinatalkssex
Imagine this: A regular tool belt wrapped around a single special needs mom. In this belt there will not be the usual tools of such a belt but the tools necessary to make life simple, safe and positive for the wearer and her children. One of these tools is technology. As a single mom, technology is our greatest friend. Timers, iPads, iPhones etc. Both for our usage and for the usage of our children. Especially single needs moms. Whether to educate our children or even ourselves, not to mention help us out in our new lives, it works and it helps.
Just before the summer, I added a new title to my forte- Single Special Needs Mom. It has been a trying experience already but I am stronger for it. With this column I hope to strengthen other single needs single moms because let us face it, married or single, most special needs mom at one time or another or 24/7 feel single. So let’s get down to what we should have at the ready.
Today, we are going to look at the iPhone-particularly apps. “There’s an app for that,” will be a quote you will use quite a bit during your new life and with that you should take a sigh of relief. These are the following apps that I downloaded almost immediately:
Let’s be honest. Alimony and Child Support is not immediate, nor a viable option to finance your life. Your husband could lose their job, quit their job, disappear, go to jail the list is endless. There’s a reason “single” is in our new name. We are singly responsible for our lives and the lives of our children. MINT therefore needs to be our newest partner.
MINT allows you to see on one screen all of your financial agendas. Money in, money out and money left. They track your spending and send you alerts on how much you have spent, earned and transaction alerts and gives you a weekly summary that will allow you to figure out your budget. They also give you small and large transaction alerts they hadn’t seen yet from you.
I use this to budget and I even go on the app to ask the “Can I afford this?” question wherever I am. It helps keep the financial sweat off. A great ally for your new fiscal future—which if you haven’t figured out is now in your hands only.
It sounds rinky-dinky but honestly it is a great app. This app allows you to have a tracker for amazing discounts or free items and coupons. If you have an iPhone allow it to alert you. Trust me you will see the payback in stride. I have gotten groceries, stuff for my son, and even self care items for me for amazing discounts. You have to take a few extra steps at times but thanks to COVID things like in-store pickup and delivery is available.
Imagine this: You walk into a Starbucks and get your child or children a treat. Walking out, you not only have said treat and a receipt but also a little stock in the company. Sound amazing? Then download this app. Every time you use your card from this company, you walk out with stock in the company. This not only gives you some financial assistance, it is an asset for the future. A few tips: Go on the app to pick what type of stocks you want them to buy for you and know this isn’t going to make you rich on its own but it will help you have some financial backbone.
I decided to keep this item open because frankly marriage is different, and every divorce is different not to mention the needs of the divorcing couple. For instance, I do not need a calendar for mine because my son’s schedule is majorly my responsibility and the visitation consistent, communication however is a need of mine. Therefore, texting and emailing is enough for me. However, 50/50 parents and parents that have a more fluid custody agreement may need more. Nonetheless, while the mom factor of you should get apps, so should the co-parent.
EVERY SHOPPING-RELATED COMPANY YOU ARE SUBSCRIBED TO
Shipt, Stop and Shop, Amazon etc. Apps for the shopping provider you use needs to be a click away. This is an app you need in your phone. Think of it as an app for outsourcing the crazy shopping trips you know you dread. Not only will they save you sanity but the greatest thing about these apps is they remember the previous shopping trips and that delivery is at the ready. I have all of the ones in a folder at the ready for me, including Thrive Market which I would greatly suggest especially for special needs moms. Think of it as Amazon for healthy foods.
When you think of these apps, use the tool belt visual. It will help you both pick and choose as well as use the apps for the best of your life. This is a tip of the iceberg but I think it’s offerings will give you the perspectives of what needs you have as a special needs single mom: Financial, Personal, Convenience, and Communication. If neither of these fits, I urge you to search related apps because while it’s not the best tool for you…it could be the start of your relationship with the most lucrative one for you.
Heather is a politico turned special needs single mom who just started journaling her path for other single mom’s. She lives in nyc with the greatest kid ever.
As single moms or even just as a parent we sometimes forget the dreams we had as girls. Life has gotten in the way and our days are filled with diapers, making lunches, helping with homework, and trying to balance the budget. If you have daughters you have extra concerns as she grows into a young lady. Puberty, periods, and processing what it means to be (or not be) part of the “in” crowd.
What Being a Girl is Go-getters, Innovators, Risk-takers, and Leaders
For my daughter, I wanted her to be a go-getter, innovator, risk-taker, and leader. I am all these things so I wanted her to be those things as well. I made sure she was involved in activities that matched her interests including acting classes, modeling classes, flight school, and a social media apprenticeship. These activities along with her school extra-curricular activities helped her get into an Ivy-league university, become a student advisor, co-found a magazine, and serve on boards. She truly embodies the vision of the Girl Scouts’ G.I.R.L. (Go-getter, Innovator, Risk-taker, and Leader) initiative.
I bring Girl Scouts up because I recently became aware of that acronym. Even though my daughter wasn’t a Girl Scout I believe it could have rounded out her girlhood experience. I’m thinking about all those badges she could have gotten from all the activities she was in and the skills she learned.
Helping Girls Reach Their Goals
A couple of years ago I went to an Atlanta Area Girl Scout event where I was a guest speaker. I got to see the organization up close and personal. I was there for the Camp Leadership career preparation session where I showed the girls how to create a LinkedIn profile.
I was impressed the Girl Scouts of Atlanta had the foresight to begin preparing their scouts for career life.
Being a Girl is More than Looks or Relationship Status
Being a girl is not just about looking pretty and being in a relationship, marriage and babies. It is growing into a woman with options to be whatever they want to be.
For all the things a girl can learn in the Girl Scouts, one of the most valuable things to learn is how to think critically and make decisions.
Being a Girl and Completing What You Start
Going through the LinkedIn profile building exercise helped the girls learn how to think about their future, their accomplishments, and the value of networking.
By the time the session was complete, most of the young ladies had their profile setup. It would take a few more weeks or months to complete it because they were just getting started. The average adult with a profile has only 50% of their profile complete. I am confident these girls will have their profiles completed by the time they finish high school and certainly before they finish college.
The Value of Being a Part of an Organization Like Girl Scouts
For younger girls still in elementary and middle school, the Girl Scouts continues to build their entrepreneurial skills with the annual Girl Scout Cookie campaign. They learn marketing, location scouting, accounting, and customer service.
As a parent who wants to make sure her daughter has the best advantage in life I encourage you to consider Girl Scouts. The friendships, the skills, and the entire experience will make all the difference in their lives.
If you live in the Atlanta area, the Greater Atlanta Girl Scouts’ enrollment campaign is open now. JoinGirlScoutsATL.com. When she’s a Girl Scout, she’s also a G.I.R.L.: Go-getter, Innovator, Risk-taker, Leader.
Samantha A. Gregory is an author, consultant, and speaker. She’s a single-mom lifestyle, money, and parenting expert featured in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Essence Magazine, HuffPost, ABC News, and Mint.com.
Samantha founded the award-winning RichSingleMomma.com™, the first online magazine featuring personal finance, parenting, and personal development content and courses for single moms.
She aims to inspire women who are ready to thrive and not just survive in their single motherhood journey. Connect with her on Instagram @richsinglemomma.
You’ve accepted the fact that the marriage is over, you’ve signed the dotted line to finalize everything. Now, you’re wondering when it would be the right time to move on and start dating someone new. Maybe your ex has already moved on and you’re wondering if you should do the same. Maybe neither of you is dating someone new yet, but you think you just might be ready to start.
The short and sweet answer to this burning question would be, there really is no set or “right” amount of time to wait after a divorce to start dating again. Honestly, this is different for each and every person. Some may feel ready after only a couple of months, others after a year or more, others feel ready before the divorce is even finalized. You have to decide what is best for you. No one can answer that for you, however, there ARE a few ways to know if the time is truly right.
1.) You have sorted through your feelings
You have sorted through your feelings and are sure that you want to re-enter the dating world because you’re ready and not because you have any ill intentions. Your intentions for dating should not be to make your ex jealous, to seek validation or because you are lonely and want someone to fill your time. Dating should be something you seek to have fun and find a love that is a blessing to you. No person or thing can complete you so you want to be sure that you are healthy and whole before bringing another person into your life.
2. You are sure that you are no longer holding on to your ex
Be honest with yourself in determining whether or not you are truly over your ex. Many of us have signed the final paperwork and have SAID we’re ready to move on while deep down we are still holding out hope that we will reconcile things with our ex.
3. You’re not doing it because someone else says you should
Maybe you’ve gotten to a place where you’re comfortable and happy alone. This is not “wrong” or “weird”, in fact, this is wonderful. Please do not allow friends, family, society, anyone make you feel as if they should be able to tell you when YOU should be ready to get back out there. You aren’t here to “keep up with the Joneses”, you are here to live your life and you only get one. Live your life on YOUR terms.
4. You feel in your gut that it is time.
You know what feels right to and for you. Women’s intuition is a beast! All you have to do is pay attention to your intuition and you will know. No one will be able to tell you better than you when it’s time to move on, when it’s time to date again or anything for that matter. Learn to trust your own voice, your own intuition.
5. You aren’t doing it because of FOMO
I know you see all the cute couples on Instagram and Facebook with their cute pictures with the cute captions. You see pictures of couples out on dates and on vacations and giving each other nice gifts and you just want to experience the same. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it simply means that you are human. However, you have to know that what’s for you is and will always be for YOU. You will not miss any, that is not ONE thing will pass you by if it is truly meant for you. You don’t have to rush it, you don’t have to beg it, you don’t have to force it. Your time WILL come.
6. Considered how our children will react
If you are now a single mom, you will want to be sure you have considered your children and how they will react. They will be affected by the decisions you make so you, as always and in all things, want to be sure you are making good decisions for them. Now, let me be clear here in saying that I, in no way, shape or form want you to ever feel shame or allow anyone else’s opinion to make you feel wrong for wanting to date as a mom. I don’t care if your kids are under the age of five or are teenagers getting ready to head off to college. You are human and you not only deserve, but you NEED a life outside of your kids. So, please know that my suggestion to consider your children’s reactions simply means that you feel ready to introduce them to someone new should you think it appropriate. You want to be sure you feel this new person would be a good fit for your family when and if it gets to that point.
Overall, this process is all about you and what you feel comfortable with. If you want to date and feel it is the right time, go for it! If you want to date, but feel you may need a little more time, take your time! There is no right or wrong answer here! This is YOUR life and you want to live it to the fullest! Do you, boo! Enjoy your life and let no one make you feel bad for it!
Shakina is a relationship and sexuality coach as well as a blogger, and motivational speaker. She is a single mom of two and resides in Jackson, Mississippi with her two handsome boys. She’s passionate about helping women recognize their greatness in life, love, and between the sheets.
Follow her on Social Media:
Facebook-Shakina
Instagram-@shakinatalkssex
Hi! Welcome to RichSingleMomma.com. I started this website almost a decade ago because I couldn't find any blogs back then that helped single moms with money. I was having some success in that area so I decided to share what I knew about side hustles, making extra money, and managing money. Read more...
